Romancexpress - Romantic Expressions

Oh... By the Way

2006-08-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

Romancexpress - Romantic Expressions v.2

Almost forgotB-J

Final Entry: The Jigabod Archetype

2006-08-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

"......What's that...up ahead... It looks like... we're slowing down..."

Ladies and gentlemen, as hard as it is to believe, we've come full circle. Romancexpress has encompassed a full year, and the station is coming into view. We're pulling in for our final destination. BUT, I don't want you to be sad. Before we're done here, you're going to discover something profound. We'll end our engagement on a high note, eh?

From Jig to Jigabod... did you notice? When we first started out, remember how I told you where my name came from? I told you it came from a feeling in my soul; an urge to "dance a jig" when I felt happy. Well, I wasn't lying to you when I said that. But...

Romancexpress has been an evolution for me; I've been able to watch myself go through transitions as I've had experience after experience. And with that change, my name took a change too. And it wasn't just for aesthetic appeal. So, as we close this journey on Romancexpress, I'd like to end by reintroducing myself: I am Jigabod, the Jigabod Archetype.

I am a constantly changing creature; the worst thing one can ever do is try to categorize me because as soon as I am "captured", I transform. I become whatever I need to become at the moment; this was a dilemma at the beginning of Romancexpress because I had changed so much that I had lost my identity. I now realize that the purpose of Romancexpress' journey was for me to rediscover who I am at the core of my being. Mission accomplished.

From Jig to Jigabod; what's in the name? Much. There are 4 components to the name Jigabod: Jig, Ichabod, Jigaboo, and Jig-a-bod.

The Jig in Jigabod still represents what it did in the beginning; that little being still dances in my heart when I'm happy. Yet, I'm not so happy as I was at the beginning of the journey. And so, the name carries more meaning, because in my journey I've had to go beyond happiness and understand myself as a person in all seasons.

Ichabod represents Ichabod Crane, a character from the famous tale The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. He came into a town as a stranger and a teacher. He wasn't in the image of the "hunks" of the town; he lacked the machismo and the size and strength. He was actually fairly odd, built like a scarecrow and light on his feet. But, though he was a stranger in the town, he was no stranger to love, and in being his odd self he became a threat to every "hunk" in the town. 'Can't say my experiences haven't been similar.

Jigaboo is an old racist slur used against Black people. But it's not the word itself that holds the meaning. Part of the racism that we've faced has come in the form of people making us ashamed of our own culture. I've found that we've turned away from those things that were deemed "unacceptable" about us by the established culture. Things like the curl of our hair, or the fact that we are a musical people, neither of which is something to be ashamed of. So on one hand, this element of my name is an acceptance of those things attributed to Black people that are hated by other cultures. On the other hand, the change from "'boo" to "'bod" expresses that we are not only a unique culture, but a unique culture with much to teach and offer, as was Ichabod in the story; and like Ichabod also, we are hated for those things that make us unique.

Jig-a-bod simply translates to "jig-a-body". It represents my ability to touch people and pass my feelings to them. That little "jig" I feel in my heart, I do my best to bring it out of others. Not only that, but even the anger, pain, sadness, victories, anxiety, wonder and hundreds of other states of human being; I try to evoke them all with every word that I write. This is why Romancexpress was written as an open invitation: so that as I discover myself, you can discover yourself in my writings. I jig; you jig. Get it?

In my rapping, people say my specialty is "complexity"; layering multiple meanings in few words. You have just witnessed a perfect example of that. One word--- Jigabod--- four paragraphs of meaning. I am the Jigabod archetype; the first Jigabod and the last there will ever be. Not even my own progeny will become who or what I am.

So you're probably reading all this totally wrong right now; no, I'm not saying Jigabod is some great unreachable standard or something. At the end of this journey you should know better: the best thing that any man can ever be is himself. To attempt to be in another man's image, with the exception of Christ Himself, only limits you to the limited existence of another limited being. In simple terms: why copy something that's no better than you are? I'm Jigabod, and you're a wonderful person in your own right. I can't wait to hear your story.

So in closing this volume... oh yeah, I think I forgot to mention. You didn't think I was really gonna stop Romancexpress so abruptly like this did ya? lol, Nah. This is only the end of Romancexpress Volume I. I'm already building a second site for a second journey. There's still more life to live!

So again, in closing this volume of Romancexpress, I just thought I'd sum things up by saying this: I'm not saying I'm better than anybody else. All I'm saying is, I can't believe I'm not butter...

Jesus PeaceB-J

Why I Can't Take Criticism

2006-08-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Actually, that's a strong title. I should call this, "why I can't take criticism most of the time". Anyway, I'll get to the point. It's like this:

I can't take criticism most of the time not because of the criticism, but because of what I feel coming from BEHIND the criticism. It's one thing when a person genuinely is trying to help you by drawing attention to certain things you may have overlooked; it's something else entirely when a person is pointing out your faults to add to their own stripes.

It's like that "good lawyer" saying I maintain: "A good lawyer doesn't tell you what you can't do; a good lawyer tells you what it will take for you to do what you want to do". Most of what I get is the "can't do's" and doubts of people, but what I'm really looking for is the "if you go thru with this then you should expect A, B, and C, but I'm with you 100%". That's the kinda criticism I willingly receive.

I mean, sometimes I can literally explain the pros and the cons of a plan of mine to critics, hoping to avert dwelling on the negatives. But somehow I still find myself defending what I've already acknowledged as an issue as they descend upon the negatives, like I didn't even put them out there. And the bad thing is, normally, that would daunt me... Just imagine: you know the pros and cons of your own plans in advance, but just because people emphasize the cons (that you already know) you go from intentionally facing them to becoming intimidated by them. Pretty stupid, huh?

But I realized something the other day as I watched Star Wars Episode III. I watched Yoda, the legendary "wise one", make the wisest decisions he could as leader of the Jedi. But even in Yoda's 800-year-old wisdom, Mace Windu was killed, Anakin Skywalker managed to go to the Dark Side, Order 66 was still issued and almost all the Jedi were wiped out, and Darth Sidious still managed to erect an empire. The point? No matter what decisions you make or how good your intentions, there will ALWAYS be a loophole in the plan that could present a problem. So when people find these loopholes, it should never be a surprise, and you shouldn't take it personally. Especially when you already knew the loopholes were there.

I used to defend my conceptions to protect my own confidence in them; now, I think I'll just settle for knowing my course and accepting any criticism that comes with it as a fact of life. I haven't been living by my own credo... Did I ever give you my credo? Peep:

1. Protect the innocence (intentional pun) - make sure that anything that hasn't been corrupted does not become corrupted.
2. Restore the order - solve problems by returning to God's original plan for the situation, not by creating new solutions.
3. Raise the standard - like a scar where a wound once lay, raise the standard over a solved problem to make sure no further damage is done.
4. Let the fruit be the proof - don't spend time convincing people of your perspectives; simply execute and let them see the result

In case you didn't figure it out, it's the 4 principle of my credo that I've been in violation of. Perhaps if I spent more time executing and less time defending, I'd be further along right now. Let's try it.

Jesus PeaceB-J

About Me and Sex

2006-08-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

I wrote this piece today for a special publication. Big shout out to Shannon and the V-Card initiative up in Canada; I support what you're doing 100%. When I grow up, I wanna be just-like-you, lol...

I have never had sex. I haven’t even kissed or been kissed by anyone before, and I’m 23 year old. I haven’t been on a serious date or anything, only a few impromptu dinners. The thing is, I’m not “down” on any of the aforementioned acts, especially the kissing and dating. Sex, however… well, let me tell you a few things about me and sex.

I was taught right from wrong at an early age but, as it is with many lower-to-middle middle-class upbringings, my parents never talked to me about sex. To this day, and I’m 23 years old, sex has never been mentioned in front of me by anyone in my immediate family or extended family. However, as I’m sure you’ve assumed, somehow or other I managed to learn about sex anyway.

For me, it happened way too early: 5th grade, if I’m not mistaken. Some “friends” of mine were goofing off, and they flashed me a scene from a porn magazine just to see my reaction. To this day, I wish that had never happened; that moment marked the beginning of my curiosity toward the opposite sex, and my eventual coming-into-knowledge of sex itself. From there I went to dictionaries, reading about different sex-related terms. Let’s face it: if you can read at all, the dictionary can tell you anything you need to know. By the time I finished that, I had a pretty good understanding of what sex was as well as a familiarity with the lingo.

Then came middle school, when sex became a part of everyday conversation. There were a few incidents between students that I can remember; my most distinct memory was around 7th or 8th grade when it seemed that the whole cheerleading squad became pregnant at once. Then there was the incident where I girl put herself against a pipe in a classroom and did the unthinkable… Nevertheless, the good thing about middle school was that, as all these things were happening, we were also being taught about things like STDs, AIDs, and… well… unwanted pregnancies. Knowing the many possible consequences that came with sex was enough to keep me from seeking to have sex with anybody.

High school saw a sharp decline in the sexual tension (believe it or not). Basketball and music became my two preoccupations. But I still had a few key sex-related experiences that remain with me to this day. The neighborhood I lived in was very close-knit; all my friends were within walking distance and we had pretty much all grown up together. Except for one. It took me a while, but I found out that a beautiful girl lived just a few houses down from me. I had known the girl a while, but I didn’t know we were so close.

Anyway, I was stomping the grounds with a male friend of mine one afternoon, and the subject of sex came up. He jokingly asked if I had “gotten any” before, anticipating the answer he would get from the “brainiac” of the school. I replied, “Nah, that’s not me man.” But then he said the wildest thing; I’ll never forget it. He said, “Why not man? I know you don’t have a girlfriend or anything, but _______ lives right up the street; holla at her. Anybody can get it from her.”

Don’t get me wrong; it was no secret that this girl slept with people. But for a cat to just put her in my face like that, like she was some kind of product…that really cemented my perspective on sexuality. It hurt in a weird way; regardless of how she was living, she was a person and worth more than that kind of mention. The next thing I remember, I had befriended the girl. And no, we never had sex: I never asked for it; she never offered it.

Then came the inevitable; the young lady became pregnant. I remember I didn’t know what to do as her friend; I knew about it, but she didn’t know that I knew. One time we were walking down the street together, and I just asked, “They say you’ve got a little one on the way. Is it true?” She denied it. I didn’t take that personally at all, though; pregnancy is just one of those things. And I could tell it really mattered to her what I thought of her, so it was nothing. But I kept thinking to myself, “It’s hard to believe this type of drama happens every day; sex is just not worth it.” A few weeks later, when her pregnancy was finally visible, she actually asked me to be the child’s godfather. I was nowhere near prepared for that, but I settled for being his (it was a boy) “Uncle”.

Oh yeah, one more thing: the guy that impregnated her. If I remember correctly, they didn’t stay together; just like pretty much anybody that ever slept with her. Hold on to that…

So, life went on. For biological reasons, I had more or less sexual drive at different points, but my perspective on sex never changed. Then came college… and freedom. This was where I really had my first “tests”; plenty of opportunities to try things I never tried and no one to make me do or not do anything.

There was a young lady my first year that I had it BAD for. I mean, she wasn’t the prettiest girl I had ever seen, but she was just bad enough to keep my interest: exotic, thick below the waist, petite, listened to the same music, liked my favorite groups, similar beliefs, even interested in a career in music. Honestly, she was the first girl I ever saw myself marrying and doing all the things that married people do with.

There was one time when we were having a study session; I was helping her with a paper because writing comes easily for me. Her roommates were there for a while but they were on their way to the club. We got started a little before they left, and after a few small-talk exchanges, they were gone. But I do remember one of the girls telling me before she left: “You should be careful; she’s nothing but trouble.” I thought she was joking… sort of.

The roommates had left and we were left to ourselves to work. I remember the first thing she did was change into her nightwear: some thigh-high boxers and a long t-shirt (my favorite combination, unfortunately). Now, you might say I make too much of things, but I took that as my first warning sign and immediately went on-guard. You see, I’ve never had sex, but I know what happens when people get turned on: the first thing is their blood leaves their brains to redistribute to “other places”. That’s why, once people get turned on, it’s often too late to rethink things.

She was at her computer; I was a good distance off seated in a chair. I remember her saying, “Why don’t you come closer; I won’t bite.” Well, then I went to thinking again. You see, her computer was atop a desk right at the foot of her bed; on her bed is where she wanted me to sit basically. So I replied, “Nah, that’s alright; I’m fine right here.” It sounds easy enough, but don’t be fooled… I REALLY wanted to sit on that bed.

We worked a little longer, but I knew I was pushing my luck; just because I choose to abstain doesn’t mean I always do so willingly. So when I felt her paper was setup enough for her to finish the job, I took license and made an exit. It was dark as heck and bitter-frikkin’ cold outside so she invited me to stay over, but I decided I needed to take that walk… quickly. To this day, I still don’t believe it was my doing when I left that night.

For the rest of the year, I found myself at basement parties with women coming out of their pants; when it got hot and heavy, I left those. And there was pornography readily found and frequently seen in dorms; I walked away from that too. I understood that a big part of avoiding sexual encounters is knowing your limits and averting ahead of time those things that might trigger you. So that’s what I spent a lot of time doing.

My last physical encounter was with a friend of mine; an exquisitely beautiful girl I went to high school with that I had been DYING to see again. We finally ran into each other when I transferred colleges, and like a dream I found her riding in my passenger seat for a whole semester. However, I had my doubts about her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all a stickler about whether or not a person is a virgin; everybody’s made mistakes in some dimension of life and it’s not always easy to the right thing. BUT… I do expect a person to at least KNOW if she’s a virgin or not (pretty funny, huh). In one conversation she told me she wasn’t a virgin; in another she told me she was. She went back and forth several times. So since I couldn’t take her word for it, I just assumed she wasn’t one. No big deal (except for the lying part).

And I really was going to leave it at that, but then came “the guys”.

Now, normally I wouldn’t listen to what “the guys” say; that’s like one of the most guaranteed ways to screw your life up, period. However, that’s only in the event that the girl knows if she’s a virgin or not: they all unanimously said she wasn’t. They thought she and I were actually dating and called themselves “looking out” for me. They told me about how she and her best friend “came to the party dressed like hookers and locked up in a room with some guys for quite some time” and all that; that wasn’t hard to believe, because she did have a tendency to dress wildly. Still, it was just words. Then, some of the guys came at me like I was a priest or something and confessed to doing this and that with her years ago. Me, I made no bones about it; again, words are words, past is past, and passed is passed.

But then there was that one time… We were riding in my car, and out of the blue, this “virgin” asks me, “what’s your wildest sex fantasy?” Hm… Yeah, I almost crashed the car right then. In the grand scheme of things, her asking me something like that is a dot, nothing to raise much of an eyebrow about. But, remember what I said earlier about avoiding sexually tense situations? Well, two things ran across my mind: 1) this is not something somebody asks who is trying to protect her “virginity”; 2) This is not something I should be entertaining if I am to protect MY virginity. To this day, she and I are still friends, but much more distantly.

I find myself constantly defending my position on sexuality. Aside from religious beliefs, there are so many plain and practical reasons not to have sex, at least before marriage. I keep hearing the same arguments over and over…

I hear things like, “sex is fun” and “it’s my body”. Yeah, sex is fun; it’s the unwanted pregnancies and STDs and dysfunctional, sex-maintained relationships that aren’t. The consequences far outweigh the rewards. And yes, it is your body, no matter how used it is. But, for example, when I think about some of the girls I know and where their mouths have been… wow. I mean, you cats can kiss around all you want to; I gotta think about that for a good minute. I’ve never been kissed before, but maybe I’m not missing much after all.

Then a lot of people say sex is a sign of “commitment” in a relationship. Nice sentiment, but I think of the example of my old friend from the neighborhood; not a single man that she slept with stayed with her, even the one whose seed she birthed. And it’s funny that I knew so many girls who slept around, and they all were so unfulfilled. They would come to me and talk with me and get the biggest kick out of the simple fact that I would listen to them. From that, I grew to understand that sex could never stand in the gap for true love and a true relationship.

On that note, I have one more college experience to share. It’s about the most meaningful relationship I had. You see, while I was “sprung” on the “exotic” girl I told you about, I also had a special friend that I was spending all my time with. I won’t go into detail about the whole situation, but all I can say is I enjoyed every moment I spent with her and we would do anything for each other. I couldn’t rest until I knew she was squared away. Any time of day or night that she called me in need of anything, I was glad to be of assistance. I didn’t have a heck of a lot of money, but I was willing to short myself to make sure she was taken care of. And she helped me through a lot of my personal problems as well. We spent a good bit of our time trying to stop each other from helping each other.

All that time: all the late nights talking, going for walks, laughing, crying, hanging with friends, calling each other… it never dawned on me that she was the one I was really in love with. And through it all, sex never came into question; that’s how I know that sex is overrated and that true, lasting relationships aren’t build on fleeting moments of pleasure. If anything, sex and lust just blinded me to where I really needed to be, and now I have a burden I might never be able to shake off: knowing that I missed out on someone special. Through having a true friendship, I learned what true love is. And I’ve got news for you: in the grand scheme of love, sex is just a dot; sex gets its value from true love, not the opposite.

So, let’s recap: I’ve never kissed; I’ve never dated; I’ve never had sex. How does it feel? It’s cool… real cool. Would I like to do these things? Heck yes, someday. But I was thinking the other day: I’ve been single for over a decade now; I feel that I could die right now never having a first kiss, never dating, never having sex, and be at peace with that. And I think it’s because I’ve experienced true love, even though I didn’t recognize it at the time. And kissing, dating, and having sex really couldn’t offer me anything that I haven’t already obtained except maybe a buzz, some butterflies, irreversible conditions, a few strange sores, and thinner pockets. On the flipside, I have more to anticipate because I chose to wait: a gift for my wife that no one else has ever had with no worries about diseases or anything like that. ‘Should make for a less inhibited, more enjoyable time.

B-J

Again, many thanx to Shannon and V-Card for giving me the opportunity to help. We gotta do this again sometime; I think I'm the most long-winded brotha on earth! lol

Middle Class Black America Stand Up...

2006-08-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

I GOT A PROLLEM WITCHU.

SEVERAL PROLLEMS ACTUALLY.

Yes indeed... Middle Class Black America pisses me off so bad sometimes. I talk about it in third person as if I'm not a part of it, but what I'm referring to is the tendencies and ideals that constantly resurface in everything it touches. And don't worry, I got a problem with every group of people, and even with myself when I think about it long enough, so don't take it personally. But this one is just sitting there in front of me, and nobody wants to address it.

Actually, that's a good place to start. Why DOESN'T anybody ever address the Black Middle Class? I'll tell you why: because the Black Middle Class plays right into the hands of those over them and overlooks those of lesser social stature. I won't call it selling out. But picture this:

The goal of the Black Middle Class is to become as assimilated into the "established culture", that being White American society, as possible. Don't believe me? I'm willing to bet that the majority of Black Middle Class households frown on dreadlocks, braids, and afros. Why? Because they're "unprofessional". But did you ever stop to think about what makes them "unprofessional"? You can walk into an interview with an Armani suit and the closest thing you could get to gator shoes without being a distraction, and you will STILL get dirty looks if you merely wear your hair the way people of color in other countries wear theirs. I don't care how trim the 'fro, how tight the braids, how clean the dreads; you're an upstart and you need to conform to the "other people who work here". And Middle Class Black America, you AGREE with that! I won't call it selling out tho, but the "established culture" loves you for it.

But back to why Middle Class Black America isn't addressed. On one hand, you play into the established culture's hand, so they don't have enough of a problem with you to talk about you. On the other hand, you're so detached from Lower Class Black America that you can't even hear them. Bill.

It seems the trademark of Middle Class Black American culture is putting down those who are already on the bottom. And no, it's not constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is when you recognize the problem and become a part of the solution alongside the person. But I'm tryna picture Heathcliff Huxtable taking a walk through the projects right now. If you can picture that, then you're a better man than me.

It's a lack of empathy; the Black Middle Class is so detached from the Lower Class that even the solution it proposes to any given problem lacks foundation. I've heard a million "kids need to pull up their pants and the world will be better" speeches in my school career and I never took a single one seriously. When I hear a "where are these kids's fathers" speech, or a "we need a solution to help the single mothers" speech, then I'll take what the Black Middle Class says seriously. See, when you're detached from something and lack an understanding of the state that it's in, you start to say things that make sense only to you in the form of half-baked solutions. But the thing is, since the Black Lower Class isn't "worth listening to", then that's the best that the Black Middle Class will ever do in "giving advice".

Oh... don't act like the Middle Class takes the Lower Class seriously. Are YOU serious? Set up a table. Put a book by Maya Angelou on one side; put a book by Tupac Shakur on the other. Ask a seasoned Middle Class Black American high school teacher or principal (I had to do it, I'm sorry) to choose one or both of the books for a reading list. And after you ask why they left the Tupac book on the table, listen to them tell you, "that book used the 'n' word too much..."

Then ask them if Mark Twain is on the reading list.

'Ammmn...I know it hurts. You'd rather the "established culture" call you a nigger, knowhatahmsayin, so you can fit in and feel better about it. "Chicken's on the deck!" *whistle* (Chappelle show reference)

But enough, enough about that. I feel another education spiel coming. Tell me this: Middle Class Black America, why do ya'll feel that education is gon' save us? Do you realize educated people are the ones who run all the f'd up institutions you're tryna be a part of... well, you won't admit they're f'd up cuz that's where you aspire to be, I understand. We'll do it like this then; reset...

Education is to be desired. Education is one of the greatest things a man can obtain in life. SO... Go to college, get an education right? Really? Cuz, Middle Class Black America tells me to go to college for something else: to get a piece of paper so I can qualify to work for someone else and make more money. Hold on to that word "qualify".

Now, before you jump on your African-American History soapbox and talk about people dying for our rights to free education, let me say, you're right. They fought for and obtained the freedom to further their education. Now hear what I'm saying: not going to school to get a DIPLOMA, but going to school to get an EDUCATION. Not going to school to meet set STANDARDS, but going to school to get an EDUCATION and set their OWN standards. See the difference?

It's funny: my whole Middle Class Black American life, I grow up with the impression everybody goes to college to get an education and get a job. And then somehow we, with education, can change the world or somethin. Somewhere between my last year of high school and my first year of college, I discovered that the real objective is to obtain a plain old piece of paper that says, "I have worth". Then one day I was talking to an older friend, and he was talking about the difference between us and foreigners. He said, "The difference between us and them is we grow up and we're expected to get a piece of paper and work for a business; they grow up and they're expected to OWN a business." 'Ammmn...

So what's good, Middle Class Black America? Two things you should take note of here: 1) Be honest; we don't care about education. We care about being "qualified" to operate in the "established culture". I won't call it selling out, but "they" love you for it.
2) Not only do we work to meet their standards, but then we work FOR them after their standards are met. Break our backs to make a little more, but then make them a LOT more. And at the end of the day, even at work our mobility still depends more on how much behind-kissing we can fit in a day than how "qualified" we are. So WE got a lot to be proud of huh...

Middle Class Black America, listen up: education is not gonna save us; hell, it's not really education you're after ANYWAY. It's a permission slip from the established culture to advance in their Monopoly game, that's what you go to college for. Ask yourself, "How can I/we advance when my job is to make somebody else look good/obtain wealth?" If you really went to school to get an education, then why don't you think outside the box like an educated man or woman? That's what pisses me off; you have the potential to change the world, but you don't have the courage to step outside of your traditional safety zone: a wife, kids, and a white picket fence and you've clenched the American dream, boom.

Which is my last point actually. The most amazing feat of the Black Middle Class is somehow managing to place themselves completely above the things that go on around them. I'm tambout, they will actually look at you funny if you say something like, "let's get involved". Call ya a "kickback from the 60's" or something, like the time for change has passed and this is just the way things are. No, that's too nice. It's more like, "there's nothing wrong here; the established culture loves us". That complacency, that satisfaction, that tendency to look away from what's right in front of them; that's my biggest issue with the Black Middle Class.

It's actually funny; you're more likely to find activism in the Black Upper Class than in the Middle Class, but the Middle Class is closer to the distress. And I gotta say this too: BLACK MIDDLE CLASS, SHAKING YOUR HEAD AND SAYING "THAT'S A SHAME" IS NOT ACTIVISM. The American Black Middle Class has got to be the most-talking, least-acting demographic in human history. It's like it's a status symbol to take note of obvious injustices as an opportunity to say something obvious. I can see it now... Rodney King is getting beaten on live TV, and Middle Class Black households have a Cosby moment with the family sitting in front of the TV as the camera pans from the youngest child to the oldest member of the family, who says, "When will it end?" before the credits roll. 'Next sunrise, breakfast is served with two eggs and a slab of turkey-bacon bent into a smile and a tall glass of sunshine. Nothing changes, nobody's upset, no remote plans to take action.

And, oh my goodness, this one right here... It's bad enough we don't take action. But then, what some of us do... we say "somebody else will take action". Aight you punk... You're in the last 3 seconds of a basketball game; 5 players on the court, 1 bucket to get the win. Well, your punk behind iz scared to take the shot, so you dish it off to ya teammate, who's just like you, so he dishes to the man to his right, who is a pass-ifist as well and tosses cross-court to the wingman, who passes to open man, who wasn't ready, and the ball makes it all the way back to you.

First of all, by the time you're done with all that passing, the buzzer goes off and you've blown the opportunity. But thats not why you lost; you lost because none of you punks would pull the trigger and take the shot, so the score never changes; you all figured somebody else would handle it, and come to find out nobody would. That's the Black Middle Class for ya, smh.

If you don't plan to change the situation, then don't talk about it; save your breath for something worth saying.

Matter of fact, I think I'm 'bout done with this roast. Why did I do it? I dunno why I did it; I'm Middle Class, we run our mouths a lot. But I figured I'd at least take action and leave it in a tangible form for future reference. And no, it's not some perfectly organized and bulletproof argument; this isn't college, this is reality. If you're in touch with reality, then you'll also feel something of what I said, even if not all of it. Cuz one thing that I don't want to be guilty of is keeping silent when something needs to be said. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you Middle Class Black America?

Unlearned

2006-08-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

The term post-modern comes to mind immediately as I write this, even though I don't think it fits exactly. Post-modernism: rejecting the scientific method and putting trust in things less logical. Or somethin like that...

Anyway, I was doing some thinking today... actually it was last night, chatting with my lil sis. I was talking about not knowing and not understanding things in life. As I recall, it was centered around the movie about Ron Clark that I mentioned in my last two entries, and also about the prospect of me becoming a teacher.

Did I ever tell you why I didn't want to be a teacher, aside from the fact that I hate school? Well... I'll put it to you the way I put it in a verse: "'didn't become a teacher because I understood/ the school system's burning; the teachers are just wood/ but it could be corrected if the parents just would.../". Put it like this; there's a problem with school systems all over the country; parents aren't doing their jobs. And the responsibility has fallen on the teachers to "hold down the fort" until they come back to their senses. The prollem is, since nobody's holding these parents accountable, the likelihood of them coming back to their senses is nil.

So, in my possibly-misguided mind, I'm thinking, "Why in the world would I want to become part of a temporary solution that will give these parents more room to continue their neglect?" You see, one of the reasons I am the way I am is because I was taught to think logically. No joke, I was in special classes as a youth that emphasized critical thinking, and now that's pretty much what I do with any situation I'm faced with. So my logic tells me, becoming a teacher is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound; taking a cough suppressant for bronchitis; leaving all the lights off for the sake of a blind person. And I see that the real problem is in the homes, and my mind won't let me settle for anything less than a real solution that directly addresses that.

Still, I still have that sinking feeling that I am being called to teach. And it got me to thinking: the value of knowledge must be relative. I gave my little sister this example:

"Suppose you were afraid of spiders, and you were in a maze or something. And one of the requirements is to pass through a room covered in spiders. But you didn't know this.

And suppose when you reach this room, before you see the spiders, a guide tells you to close your eyes. And then he dictates to you where to step, where not to step, and eventually you get through the room no problem. But had your eyes been open, you would not even have ventured into the room. Sometimes knowledge can be your worst enemy; when you hafta accomplish a task in spite of the knowledge provided."

So, in my case, if I am called to teach, it would be a move beyond all my reasoning. And I would hafta "unlearn" all my reasoning and do the most illogical thing; become a piece of mere piece of wood to a furnace that needs to be extinguished. I mean, I know schools can't be starved for workers; there are valuable children who need to be taught regardless of the situation. So while "we're" (assuming I go thru with this) getting shafted to buy time for a solution, who's job is it to actually do the solving? That's where it falls apart for me; there is no one actually making effective solutions while the teachers are being used up.

But hey, what can I say... It brings me back to the post-modernism idea; wouldn't this be the perfect time to exercise that thing we like to call faith? I mean, me being a teacher would be the dumbest, most illogical, frustrating, contra-ideal move I could see myself making. Nothing short of faith would make it tolerable for me. Perhaps that's the scheme; make Jigabod become a teacher to reduce him to relying totally on his faith.

But this makes me think about something I read in the Bible; I don't remember the verse, but God was talking about how some things He doesn't tell us because our minds couldn't handle it. I always thought that that meant they were things beyond our ability to conceive, like maybe ideas that human language couldn't contain or images so holy they would destroy us. Nah... I mean, it might be that too, but I think I have a new perspective on He meant. I think He meant there are some things that, if we knew them, they wouldn't make any logical sense to us, and we'd refuse to do them. And yet they must be done, for whatever reason is in His plan. So, like in the spider example I gave to my sister, we are kept in the dark to protect us from our fears, and even from our own logic. The Bible tells us to gain knowledge, but simultaneous there is knowledge that God protects us from so that we can do those things we hafta do. Go figure

(cough) But, as I am a man of logic as much as a man of faith, I gotta ask one more time: who's job is it to actually do the solving while "we're" getting shafted to buy time, assuming I go thru with this teaching thing... I don't expect an answer, it's just a hypothetical question.

The SuperTeacher II: Define Family

2006-08-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

As I closed my last post, I had a radical idea...

How do you define family? Is it just a bloodline? Is it just the people that brought you into the world? But it can't be, because the state can assign a child to a foster or adoptive family just as easily, and it's still considered a family. So...

There's this gray-area definition that says a family is simply a group of persons who care for one another and love each other. And it makes me think...

If a child is in a "family" that neglects him/her... do they really love that child? I mean, when you ask the parents, most would say yes. Perhaps I asked the wrong question...

Let's be euphemistic and say, suppose a child's family is "unfit" to care for the child for whatever reason. Could a boarding school substitute as a legitimate family? I mean, supposing they had enough board-mothers and board-fathers right; could they not only substitute for a family, but actually BECOME a family? I mean, if a family is a group of people who love each other... If there are foster families and adopted families made of folk who aren't even blood related... Not to mention oftentimes foster families aren't even fit right? So why NOT have Boarding School families? IS THIS DOABLE?? IS IT FEASIBLE???

But who would be the dorm parents? Maybe barren couples who want children and can't bare any. Maybe SuperTeachers like Mr. Clark who somehow find so much time to invest in kids.

...I dunno, I just thought I'd pitch this here for later reference. After watching one of Mr. Clark's students in foster care being abused (and that hurt because I know kids like that) it puts the idea of Boarding Families in a very reasonable light to me.

The SuperTeacher

2006-08-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw a movie about the life and work of Ron Clark, a master teacher who went into an inner city school and turned around the lives and academic achievements of an at risk class. Based on a true story; matter of fact, he's opening a school in Atlanta, GA in Fall 2006. My thoughts? Well...

Ron Clark is an admirable example of an ideal. He is the teacher who is gifted with the time and energy to not only be good at what he does, but to be the solution to the problems of those around him, getting physically involved in the lives of the studnets he teaches. That is commendable beyond any honor he could ever receive.

Maybe I'm paranoid... But while I was watching this movie with the family last night, admiring Mr. Clark's story while simultaneously gritting my teeth, I couldn't help thinking to myself, "I bet they think they see me on the TV screen, huh..." And the messed up thing was, I kinda wanted to be Mr. Clark. Or something like that.

It's not that I wanted the glory that he received at all; if you can't tell by now, I give less than a funny expression what people think of me. I get no pleasure in receiving honors (unless I can spend them, lol). But I watched this man getting so deeply involved in his kids' lives, cooking dinner at one student's house so that she could study instead of taking care of her family; rescuing another student from an abusive foster parent. From watching, being a part of, experiencing the public school experience, SuperTeachers like Mr. Clark are SO needed. And any student that is helped makes the whole profession worth it.

BUT... And I still maintain this: the SuperTeacher is NOT the solution to the problem. At the end of the day, what SuperTeachers do is double-edged: on one hand he/she saves the students put in his/her care; on the other hand they take the place of good parenting and allow it an outlet to continue. Any student that can be saved should be saved, by any means necessary; I'm not saying it's wrong to do this. But think of how many more students would be saved if parents were held accountable and if the fight was taken to the homes of these kids. THAT's a solution. The SuperTeacher is just a temporary solution.

There was a key scene in the movie that brings up an important point. Eventually, Mr. Clark develops pneumonia. Instead of resting, he continues to teach, and collapses before his students. What a moment, what a gesture, what tenacity, right? Those kids would love him forever for his sacrifice, no doubt. But it's just a reminder than every man is only a man, not a superhuman. A man can't take responsibility for so many other people and shoulder the burden alone. And this is what SuperTeachers face doing to themselves; they assume the occupations of teachers and parents, but only have the stamina to be teachers. This is not an effective, long-term solution to this crisis of at risk children.

Don't get me wrong though, Mr. Clark is fighting "the good fight" in this movie. And I was impressed by his method from the beginning, because it showed that he understood the root of the problem in the school system. You see, Mr. Clark starts off by making his first classroom rule, "We Are a Family". That's what these kids were missing in large proportion: healthy, fulfilling, encouraging, functional, supportive families. And it's a noteworthy approach, no question. But Mr. Clark, using the school to replace the family...

I'm bothered because... well... how can the family problem be solved if the family is dissolved? I'm caught between the welfare of the individual students and the welfare of the collective school systems of America. I mean... if the solution is to make the school the new family, then perhaps the public school systems should create boarding schools that provide room and board for students. I mean, have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at school; sleep at the schools. Become a real family in the full sense of the word. And have SuperTeachers like Mr. Clark as the "heads of the household", living iwth the students, cooking, helping with homework. Can you see my angle in this?

I say this not at all to discourage people like Mr. Clark; you are fighting a good fight, and... who knows, maybe I'll get suckered into it like I always feared. But I warn school systems everywhere; don't rely on good teachers to bail you out of the current situation. If you don't take the fight to the parents and hold them responsible, you might as well start building boarding schools now and preparing teachers to serve dinner and tuck their students in at night.

By the way, Mr. Clark... Whatever diet you're on, fill a brotha in cuz you must have crazy energy to be able to do all that you do. Stay strong.

B-J

The Follow-Through

2006-08-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

Thinking back to all the blogs I've written since the Romancexpress left the station, I can't think of a single one that hurt me to write. But I think this is gonna be the one; 'matter of fact I'm sure. So, here it goes...

Today is Friday, August the 4th, 2006. At this very moment, there's a festival going on downtown in my city; First Friday is what they call it. For 2-3 weeks, I had been planning to go down there and circulate some of my music. My little sister is home from college; I planned to take her down there to get out of the house. My associates and I were supposed to meet up down there and do some footwork to get word out about us and what we're doing.

Weeks passed. I started working on music to present, but never quite finished it. I didn't call everybody like I was supposed to. Those I did contact, I didn't stay on top of. But... I still intended to go forward with the process. I did have a little bit of music on me; even that would have been something.

My head was killing me all afternoon. Then, we got a bit of a storm this evening, right around the time I should've been preparing to leave. But it was a quick storm; didn't last very very long. I had no proof it was headed in the direction of the festival or anything. But, I let that stop me...

No, that's just an excuse. The truth is, I stopped myself. It's not an attractive or flattering concept, but there's no other way to put it. I have a one fatal character flaw; I never finish what I start. Well not exactly never, but proportionally I start a lot more than I finish. I have hundreds of songs and verses strewn all over my room; only a few of them are actually complete. And it's not that I can't finish them, it's just... I keep telling myself "just keep working, just keep working". And to this day, I'm still "working" and not accomplishing. To admit this leaves the most bitter taste in my mouth.

But I wasn't always like this, I really wasn't. I used to be Mr. Perfect in everything I did; I always finished everything I started, and I always did it best. But, they were things that mattered nothing to me, and one day I realized that. From that point, it was so hard to be "perfect" in light of being perfunctory. But no...

I'm even inconsistent in the things I care about. To accompany my hundreds of incomplete lyrics, I have a surplus of incomplete beats. A so many times I could have beat out making a way for myself, like tonight, I passed it up and used whatever was in my environment at the time as an excuse. Headaches? So what; one headache isn't gonna kill me. Thunderstorm? You're not a lightningrod, and the storm wasn't that bad; you could've driven down there and waited it out.

Don't get me wrong though; I'm inconsistent, I admit. But my greatest inconsistency is in things pertaining to myself and my own well-being; when others factor into the equation, I'm SO dependable. I could never leave another person hanging if it's within my power to help them. But what about me? Do I hate myself or something? Am I missing self-worth? If so, then I've gotta take some time and sort through that.

This really saddens me. I don't wanna be this way; I want to see my dreams and goals accomplished. And I'm not even sure that the way I am is what I think it is. I feel as if I'm waiting for something, but in the meantime, I DO WORK. Every day I spend the entire day chipping away at this and chipping away at that; I never stop for anything but maybe a blog or a game or two. Even at night, I'm using my hands and using my mind to whittle away project after project. I've learned so many way so many ways of writing; I've taught myself how to use computer programs and how to manipulate webpages using code; I've learned to play an instrument at the novice level; I've networked with people I never even thought I'd get to look my way. But to just follow through and FINISH... I don't know why I can't...

You know, it's funny... I used to have a hard time playing pool right? I used to shoot, and I'd see where I wanted the ball to go and aim in that direction and strike the cue, but it would never do what I wanted it to. Then somebody put me up on the problem with my shot: my direction, my logic, my vision, it was all there. The problem was that when I took the shot, I only poked the ball, but I wasn't following through. Once I followed through, it took my game to a whole 'nother level. That's all I wanna do people, I promise you; I just wanna follow through. All those things I wrote from the beginning of Romancexpress until now, they mean nothing if I don't follow through.

I don't know how you feel about me after reading this; I don't like myself at all right now, and I understand if you see me as a pushover yourself. But, I'm not done yet; even though I often don't finish what I start, at the same time I never give up on ANYTHING. Anything that I ever started and didn't finish is still a project in progress, even if it was something from years ago; that's the one thing I can say for all my inconsistency. But I'm gonna beat this thing, and it's gonna start here with Romancexpress. Here it is:

After a year of being here with you, I've decided that I'm going to publish Romancexpress into a book. A year's worth of my experiences and my best blogs in a single volume to be bought off store shelves. I started the other day and already I've plowed through every blog from the beginning: 319 pages of material. I'm going to edit the blog, choose what will remain as part of the book, and get it published to be sold. That's my goal.

I want to make this happen as a victory for myself as well as for your enjoyment, those of you who read Romancexpress. So, pray for me that this time I will finish what I start, and that one day all my chipping and whittling will take form. The blogging will continue, but the end of this month will serve as the end of Romancexpress: Volume I.

"The race is not given to the swift, nor to the strong, but to him that is able to endure unto the end."

Sippin'

2006-07-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

Mornings are hard for a lot of people, for whatever reason. It might be you stayed up too late; might be you hate your job, hate school; might be you hate Mondays... Nah, you stayed up. You stayed up watching Adult Swim didn't you! (lol) Well, whatever it is, a lot of people solve this lack of eagerness with caffeinated drinks: coffee, cappuccino, malt, latte, whatever your particular buzz drink is.

Ever since my trip to Canada, where I had two sweet cups of hot coffee to be the cherry on top of a wonderful breakfast, I've become a bit more of a regular coffee drinker. In the course of my drinking, I've come to a realization; the genius of hot drinks.

Yes, caffeine is a kick start to get you on your way. I don't like putting influencing agents in my body like that, personally. But I'll tell you what I do like; I like what hot drinks do to make you pace yourself. See, when you wake up with a hot cup of coffee, you can't drink it down but so fast; you'll burn yourself. The only way you can take it is one sip at a time. That's a beautiful thing. Yes the caffeine wakes you up, but that heat keeps you from rushing into your day.

And I find, when I can't settle down and when my mind is going a million miles a second, a hot drink really makes me calm down, whether I want to or not. Coffee is dope in the morning, but I can drink it any time of day; as long as it's hot and just sweet enough. I also have a homemade creation, ginger green tea, that I sometimes drink to ease me at night . It's ginger-ale from the store that I've heated to boiling with a bit of raw ginger that I use to steep about 2 bags of green tea. As I sip, it burns with both the warmth from the stove top and with the spice of the ginger astringent. You can only take but so much at a time, but it's good for ya, lol.

So, as you start off your rough mornings with your lil' pep, whatever it may be, take note of the value of the heat that makes you take it slow. And any time you just can't slow down, try sippin' a hot drink, cuz anything more than sippin' is gonna teach you a valuable lesson: some things in life you simply can't rush, lol.

B-J

I-B-O-NIT: A Jigabod Moment

2006-07-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

Dag, even the title rhymes. Smh...

Kay, remember a few posts ago when I was tambout RoboCop and how his motif is the antithesis to Darth Vader's motif? Well uh...

So I'm watching this VH1 show, "When Star Wars Ruled the World", right. Come to find out: John Williams, the dude that did RoboCop's theme, is the SAME cat that composed for the original Star Wars! That boi Jigabod got an ear doesn't he?! And they want me to be a teacher... psht

I-B-O-NIT (My new Jedi name)
B-J

The Genius of God

2006-07-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now, but as I sat here and watched this music video with NASA images from space, I was finally inspired to write it. I don't know what you believe out there, but I believe in the Trinity, and I believe the Bible as it's written. And the same effortless, meticulous intricacies I see in the Word of God, I see in the works of God. In short, God is a genius.

I watched these images from space: nebulas, galaxies, solar systems, asteroids, planets, stars, novas, constellations. And I couldn't find words to describe them, or the genius that went into them. I saw things that oddly resembled familiar sites, like a nebula that resembled a wolf on one side and a fish on the other. I saw things that looked like things from my own imagination; clusters of celestial objects that resembled some sort of gateway into who knows what. I also saw things that resembled nothing I had ever seen before. The only thing I could say was, they resembled what spirits should look like in my own mind. And they were HUGE. It had me thinking; maybe we don't see spirits because they're so massive that we simply don't have the scope from where we are. Wouldn't that be something?

But this Genius, He knows we're so limited in scope. So He makes himself apparent in the smallest of things. I woke up one morning and looked in the mirror. In case you didn't know, I'm a relatively furry cat. But I also have had sensitive skin most of my life. It's the "proper thing to do" to shave if you're a hairy person, but one day I thought about it. I have blemished skin, but when I allow my hair to grow, it evens my tone. The solution to my skin was already in place when I took a step back and let what God set in motion occur, lol.

I thought about elderly people who become ill and end up with more poison in their bodies from all their medications than damage from the illness itself. But the amazing thing is, God actually gave our bodies a remarkable healing factor: IF we take care of our bodies and allow them to work without so much aid. I think sometimes we're so much in control that we override the solution to our afflictions before we realize its there. Give the Genius time to work.

From the outer reaches of space to the first cell of your own body to the very molecules that give structure to matter itself; maybe to something even more intricate that our limited human senses can't even perceive. God's genius is all around us. I'm thankful that I can see the genius in his Word as well. When most people do their best to escape it as a book of punishment and restriction, I look at the choices we make instead of doing God's will and the end results and realize it's a book of protection; a book written by a Father who wants to shelter His children from self-inflicted injury and impending destruction.

I'm not a deist; the Word is where God reveals His true nature as it pertains to us, and only partially in nature itself. And I'm not a scientologist or anything like that. But God's genius is just so obvious, and so wonderful that I thought I'd mention it. And the best thing about it; even though the expanse of the universe is so endless, He spends His time watching over you and watching over me like we were the only people in the world. To be valued in such a vast, infinite universe is really something. You should think about that whenever you feel alone or worthless.

B-J

Nice Guy Survival Kit: Women's Network Epilogue

2006-07-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

I prooooomise, I was only watching a Different World this time! And in my last blog it was a marathon on Nick at Night, not on Oxygen! I'ma make this short I prooooomise!

Okay, so I'm watching A Different World on Oxygen cuz I like A Different World a whole lot all of a sudden, and I'll watch it WHEREVER it comes on. But then this commercial comes on: "They didn't think we had the balls to pull off a successful women's network..."

I would just like to say... NO WE DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD THE BALLS TO DO SH!T. CUZ YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE BALLS! STOP DEFINING YOURSELVES RELATIVE TO MEN! 'Like anything you do doesn't have worth until man is factored into the equation... HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT WOMEN! 'AMMMMNNNN...

That's some da craziest ish I ever heard... "They didn't think we had the balls..." I HOPE NOT! Shoot...

(shudders)

Chirp, Chirp

2006-07-27T01:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sleeping, I know I am. I haven't seen anything yet. It's still early. The night is so cool; I can even tell as I sit here. I got the nerve to crack a window right now.

I hear crickets chirping. I don't know why that stirs me tonight; reminds me of being back in the country. I'm watching reruns of A Different World. Ha... Cree Summer, Jasmine Guy, Jada Pinkett, Lisa Bonet, Marisa Tomei. Man, I really was born a generation too late, lol.

Still, I feel so close to days gone by. I rest on them at the close of my evenings. I even went so far as to throw on old favorites. Nah, not that old; I'm not a geezer. Just some tunes from when I was a scrapper... aight, a nerd. "Love Makes Things Happen" by Babyface and Pebbles (she was such a fox; "fox" was the word back then, lol). And "Forever More" by Puff Johnson. Dag that song has been with me for sooooo long and I never knew who sings it until tonight. I could look her up and see her face but... I like imagining better.

I was talking with a younger homie of mine a few days ago about music. And I said something that really stuck to me. We listened to old classics from all decades, and I told him, "Man, we were raised on better stuff than what's on the radio. We need to act like it. If we came up on better music, cats should be able to see that." Something like that.

The point is, I feel like I'm sleeping. Better music, better television, better health, better hopes, better dreams, better relationships, better upbringing, better friends... better days. Gone without a trace. But where did they go? Am I crazy? I know I'm not crazy. Lisa, you gotta know I'm not crazy. I'm looking at you right now, how could I be crazy?

I just figured out something; THAT's why I listen to old music so much. Because that's my proof. It's the only thing I have that I can extend in hand and say, "Here is the evidence of greater things. And I've lived through it; why can't we go back, Marisa?"

I think I'm asleep. I think many of us are asleep. What happened to the dreams of the 80's children, Cree? I know we're alive, and our time is coming. But we've changed sooo much! What have we buried within ourselves; what have we forgotten; what have we surrendered to; what have we given up on. I can feel something powerful within.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of sleeping. I dunno how to wake up. It's not possible for so much to be instilled in me and it never resurface. Even if it were to manifest itself in a spontaneous combustion incident or something; there's got to be more. I just want to blaze as the proof that there's more. I won't do it as a monument to myself. But I'll do it because I believe there's others like me out there, and if we could all just tap into that sleeper inside of us... dag this sounds like grade A cheese. But I'm SO sincere about it.

I don't want an amen corner or a right-on with my fries; nor do I need a pat on the back or the subsequent "pitiful" head-shake. You know what I want? I want that sleeper in my chest, in the deepest depths of my mind, in my fingertips, to hear the crickets. You've rested long enough; time won't wait for us. It truly is a different world now. It's time for you to wipe away the sleep and stretch into a good morning like never before. And don't pretend you're not there; if you're not, then stop making all that noise.

...It's a cool night. Wish it could last longer; it feels wonderful. But, the day is coming. So many things to do that I've never done before. Let's "make things happen" like love this time, aight?

Chirp, chirp

If I Had a Million Dollars...

2006-07-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

H3ll NO I won't be "big ballin"! Dummies! That's why ya'll ain rich now! MUWAHAHAHA

I got this so figured out; you gimme 1 million and I'ma be STRAIGHT. Peep game, and yes, THIS is what having game is about:

1. 10% off the top to the Lord. Do it fast, and ya ain gotta think about it. Ain it funny how the more you have, the less you wanna give tho? Anyway... $900,000 right?

2. Investment! I might start off by investing juuuust enough. Enough for what? Peep game: a friend told me about an investment account where if you invest just $30,000, you get $3,000 a month in returns. Guess what folks: that's more than enough to pay my monthly bills in the house I live in AND buy me groceries with a couple hundred extra left over!

But nooo, I'm a shifty playa... If $30,000 will get me $3,000 a month, then $100,000 will bring me... (cymbal crash) $10,000 a MONTH suckas! HANDLE THAT: $100,000 in ONE investment account with a $10,000 a month in returns.

That takes me down to $800,000 making $10,000 a month sitting on my ARSE! I'M RICH BIAT...ahm. Bills cut tha $10,000 to $7,000+ in returns; big deal. But oh no, it gets better...

3. Blam, I'm gonna pay off this house I'm living in. $70,000ish, and no more worrying about a mortage. No more interest building up. BAM. A quick hit, but I"m still sitting on $730,000 with $7,000 in investment returns a month. Keep watching...

4. I'ma get a JOB! But get this: I'ma get a COMFORTABLE job! Why? Cuz I'm not in it for the money obviously; I'm in it cuz I WANT to be in it. It'll give me a lil extra finance, keep me occupied, and help me build up my resume. Something as simple as a tutor or mentor or counselor where I spend my time doing what I do best: talking. So I'm sitting on $730,000, impervious to bills, making $7,000 a month from investments, with a job adding about an extra $1, 000+ a month. But the saga continues...

5. You know all that expensive, high-quality equipment I wanna get but I'm too broke to buy? I'M RICH BIAT...ahem. MPC's, Mixers, Mics, Soundproofing, MacIntosh, Amp, Instruments... You're all mine for about the amount of 3 months worth of investment returns AFTER bills!!! WHATCHU GONNA DO? WHATCHU GONNA DO?!!!

But get this; with all that, I can make the music I wanna make and SELL IT OUTTA MY TRUNK IN MY SPARE TIME, seeing as how I only have a minor job eating my time up. So...

I'm sitting on $730,000; $10,000+ a month coming in from investments, minus a mere $3000 for bills, so $7,000 profit; minus a one time fee of about $21,000 for studio equipment; plus an extra $1000 from a dead end job; plus WHO KNOWS what from distributing my own music! Keep watching...

6. Build my entrepreneurial empire. I'm gonna pursue the music to the fullest and build a record label/production company and enlist the help of the appropriate people to keep it working. I'm gonna do a round-up of all the cats I've been working with over the years nationwide that know what I'm about and wanna contribute; share the wealth fo-sho. If done correctly, the end result could bring a sizable profit , and I'd no longer hafta go outta my trunk and kill time that way. SWEET. By this time, I'd be sitting on waaaaay more than enough to take care of me AND my lil sis.

7. Start pricing houses brotha! By this point, like I said, I could support me AND my lil sis. But truthfully, I could support that... while supporting a whole different location! Think I'm crazy? Peep game:

8. You know that lil $7000 extra I make in investment returns a month? Shooooot... Why just sit on it? I'LL INVEST THAT TOO! And I don't even hafta do it consistently, lol. I could put about $35,000 worth in a second investment account, and from there on out, I'll be getting $7000 a month PLUS an extra $3,000+. $10000 a MONTH peeps!

9. So, I'm sitting on $730,000. My bills are paid with $10,000 A MONTH left over. I got a record empire making my dreams come true and giving me a profit. I got a lil job on the side to kill time and tack an extra $1000 a month on. Son... You know what time it is... I'M GOIN COURTIN! HECK YES, I'm gonna find me a woman, and I'm gonna be able to sit next to her and tell her "I'm set." BUT, I'm not that big a fool, lol.

Remember when I said "I'm not ballin"? See, I won't be; I'll just be wealthy. So I'll kick it with the lady, get to know her. If I dig her and we decide to make it happen, THAT's when she'll find out I'm sitting pretty. The real blessing of it is me knowing I have the finances to go all the way with the relationship, PLUS spoil her, cuz that's what I love to do, lol.

10. Pick out a house. (deep breath) Bout to make that mooove brotha. Yup yup, can't start a family in a house witcha family, that just ain right. So boom, get ready to purchase a comfy, not super-lavish crib. Not at first anyway. Then I'ma be clever right, and drive my lady past the house I pick one day and ask her how she likes it. Then...

11. I'm gettin MARRIED brotha! All ya'll niggas of all races invited. All my partners in crime on the music scene, all the family, all the friends. It's gonna be a lavish occasion, I can kiss about 100,000 goodbyyye, lol. Honeymoon on the MOON son, lol. J/k, but we are getting the hegg outta dodge in the nastiest way. I'm tambout.... shh....lez hit Brazil or sumn.

12. Make sure my lil sis is squared away. Big bro is paid enough to take care of her in her crib long as she needs me, but when she gets to a point where she can fully support herself, ohhh joy...

13. I'm goin on TOUR son! With my music empire flourishing, I'm taking the wife, and we're gonna roll with the team (so I hope she loves music and travelling as much as I do). But then, the tour comes to a screeching halt when we discover...

14. GASP, I'M GONNA BE A RICH DADDY BIAT...ahem. Yessir, raise me a family. And while we're still young too. Wow wow wow, lol. Be nice to be able to afford to spend more time with my team and not in the world.

15. I'm MOVIN SON! Canada I think would be very nice. So when I get in the mid 30s to 40, we gon DIP Miss. Yes yes yes.

16. Endgame; when my time comes, I'm gonna leave my family wit a SIZABLE mountain to sit on, AND the formula on how to KEEP it sizable.

SHYUHHH. Lemme get just $1,000,000 and it's a WRAP!

B-J

Nice Guy Survival Kit (This is Exactly Why Men Shouldn't Watch Lifetime Movies)

2006-07-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry ladies, ya'll gon hafta let me have this one and that's just the way it is. And for this particular instance, I gotta say: ya'll be on some buhhhhsh!t. Don't get mad, you say it about us all the time. Didn't hurt us, won't hurt you.

So I happened to glance at this Lifetimeish movie the other day right? I usually don't hate on those kinda movies; every now and then they're kinda entertaining right? But don't get the wrong idea; I don't watch these movies a lot. I used to peep em with my mom. ANYWAY...

I stopped to watch this movie, can't even remember what it's called. But the premise is this; good boy goes bad to get girls. Why? Because he tried being a nice guy a million times, and he ended up in the friend zone a million times. But this is what got me right... When he goes bad, he finally meets a girl that "allegedly" would not have put him in the friend zone. Her argument boiled down to, "Just keep being a nice guy and being a nice guy and being a nice guy and eventually you come across somebody who will appreciate it. And don't worry about what happened in the past."

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD UP. Is it just me, or is that some dumb ish to tell somebody? Keep trying and trying and getting denied until you get what you're looking for... That's some biiiig talk. So lemme get this straight; suppose this girl wasn't "the one" and he got denied again. According to this chick, if it takes eleventy nice guy tries and eleventy friend zone denials to find that one, he should suck it up and do it eleventy times. Hell no, Lifetime. I see why they call it lifetime. Let's do some role reversal: let that have been a nice girl. If she got dogged like that, women woulda been like "men are dogs" and "she has a right to be angry and upset and be nasty because they're not treating her right". Screw you!

But let's be practical people; the nice guy routine. Women must think being nice is the easiest ish in the world. Get real: being a nice guy only pays when you find a nice girl. DAGGG, I'm gonna put that on a T-SHIRT!!! IT ONLY PAYS TO BE A NICE GUY WHEN YOU FIND A NICE GIRL!!! OWN3D.

When you're a nice guy, this is whatchu gotta deal with: you're gonna spend more money. You're gonna settle for less than what you really want. You're gonna get rejected more. You're gonna get heckled by all ya peeps. You're gonna look for the same niceness in return, but yous one luckee suckaa if you find it. You're gonna consider suicide on several occasions. You're gonna spend more money. You're gonna burn more gas, hence, you're gonna spend more money. You're gonna be dissappointed a hell of a lot. You're gonna wonder what's wrong with you, when in truth you've done nothing wrong. You're gonna get mad when you see other dudes get away with stuff. You're gonna think women are stupid. You're gonna think you're stupid. And pretty soon, you're gonna hear that song that goes, "Do you think you're better off alone," and you're gonna say "HELL YES".

Now don't get me wrong, I understood what the woman was saying COMPLETELY; yes a dude should be a nice guy IN CASE he meets the right nice girl. But it's the tone I didn't like. Like she EXPECTED the dude to just KNOW that she was a nice girl that wouldn't let him down this time, and on credit alone he shoulda just risked it again (and personally, I put $50 on she was just saying that sh!t; had he treated her nice, she woulda put that white brotha in the friend zone, watch what I tell ya). Now me, I woulda sucked it up and continued being the nice guy anyway, but that doesn't make it right! When you get rejected over and over and over and over, but you do everything right every time, why SHOULD a man believe there's any incentive to it? It's just like that saying, "If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got." And girls demand that we be nice guys so matter-of-factly, but that's because, due to the double standard, they don't hafta be "nice girls" as much as we hafta be "nice guys". They can be mean as heck; there will always be a nice guy somewhere to victimize, lol... (or will there?)

Jigabod is foolish, but no fool... You see, there's always a solution, lol. If there's a way, I'm WILL FIND it. Nice guys listen up; I'm gonna put you up on somethin, and we're gonna survive this hogwash. BEHOLD:

IN order to remain a nice guy and not be disappointed my brothas, you must throw your romantic intentions to the dust! Yes, you might like her, but there is an ENDLESS SEA of women out there! Do not be a nice guy just to get her attention! Be a nice guy because you feel like it! She cannot put you IN the friend zone if you approach her as a friend to begin with! You must learn that the single life is not to be feared brothas! If you become one with your singleness, no woman can hold you for ransom by playing with your emotions, then making you drop her off and breaking your heart at the door!

Ohhh my nice guy brethren... Be nice guys because it's a nice day outside, not because she's a woman! Be nice because you feel nice, not because you want her to think you're nice! You can DO IT brothas! If she wants you then fine, let her display it. But do NOT treat your niceness like an appliance to turn on and off! Don't be afraid to lose a girl or two! There's other women out there! Learn to dust your shoulder off my brothas! Repeat after me: "IT ONLY PAYS TO BE A NICE GUY WHEN YOU FIND A NICE GIRL!"

Ohh this is a glorious day. No longer will nice guys be hurt by girls who don't appreciate it. For you see, we no longer do it for you; we do it cuz we FEEL like it! We'll be nice to girls we don't even LIKE! Brothas, if she's special, she will SHOW YOU she's special. You don't hafta give her the benefit of the DOUBT! Be nice by default, and not to get that woman's attention! Be just as nice when you're single as you are when you're on a date! The only difference is you dress up like a penguin and slow ya walk to a waddle!

SURVIVE my nice guy brethren!! LIve! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!! SCREW YOU LIFETIME ORIGINALS!!!

(I ain watchin Lifetime/WE/Oxygen no mo'...)B-J

If I Am Ever Condemned to Teach...

2006-07-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

I have a terrible, terrible-beyond-words feeling. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt with the narrow exception of my mother’s passing. Should my feeling ever come to pass, it would be the most terrible, crushing blow I’ve ever suffered. It hurts me to the pit of my soul to even imagine that it could possibly occur. A moment ago, I did something that I’ve done my best to avoid doing; I considered.

I considered the possibility that my true calling is teaching. I considered the possibility that my musical and literary aspirations are only a diversion to an inevitable fate that will land me in the classroom. No… I should put it like this…

I considered the possibility that, though I may resist and pursue my aspirations and become what I want to become, perhaps it’s not what God meant for me and He intends that I become that teacher. One thing about being a Christian: it’s always about His will over our own. And so, wherever He wants me to be, that’s where I need to be, even if I don’t want to be there. And I allowed myself to entertain the possibility that my future, my true calling, is within the confines of a monotonous, restricted, uncreative, dusty, chalk-residued, marker-stained, overcrowded classroom.

As I pondered this loathsome thought, I only grew sicker and sicker. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, but the anger wouldn’t allow the sadness to surface. Me: a friggin teacher. Me: another facilitator for parents to neglect their children. Me: constricted to be a part of a fatally flawed system that I don’t even believe in. Me: teaching kids how to pass tests knowing they’re not getting a true education. Me: teaching history’s half-truths. Me: adopting the “professional look” to be accepted by higher-ups that I really give less than a funny thing about.

I can see it now. I’d be the most cynical, most sharp-words-spitting, most inhospitable, most hated, most petty, most vindictive, most caustic person on campus. I can’t see myself being anything less; my ultimate nightmare comes true and I hafta do it for a living for who knows how long. My mom was in the field for 20 some odd years; I’m not even as old as her career. My favorite occasion would be when coworkers try to do something nice for me; maybe a surprise party for my birthday or something, and I don’t even hang around for it. Or maybe I get a plaque for my work and “accidentally” drop it. And no, I’m not going to any faculty get-together dinners, parties, none of that.

School property will be damaged. I will throw textbooks, maybe even in front of the kids. Break a yardstick, that’s nothing. Kick over a stool, without a second thought. Broken closet hinges, no sweat. But this is the most highly anticipated one: I may be the first teacher to ever hit a parent. Yeah, there’s rules against messing with students, but let somebody’s parent come to the school on some nonsense. Shoot… after all the turmoil they’re causing in the school system? That’s the dopest way I could ever get fired.

But see, the scariest-scariest thing about all of it is, I actually could be a teacher. A GOOD teacher. I don’t even know why I’m taking education courses right now; it’s all most-basic common sense to me. I’ve done most of it at some point in my life already; I even taught an impromptu Latin class before I even graduated high school. The hardest thing is just knowing your subject; if you know your subject and you communicate effectively, then it's NOTHING. My mom was a teacher; I watched her do her thing on occasion. It scares me because the more I think about it, the more it seems teaching is my calling.

But I HATE SCHOOL!!! It’s not even like I’m going in to be a true teacher because the system’s so screwed up: the PTA is nil; the teachers are working double shifts as teacher and parents; the kids are off the chain; the administrators are up to their ears with discipline; reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic done took a back seat to No Child Left Behind and standardized testing; and the federal goverment is on some "let's take funding away from below-grade schools so they can get better!", the friggin GENIUSES!! And NO, SCREW fixing it from the inside! Do you know how many years I’d hafta teach before I have tenure enough for anybody to give a d@mn what I say? Do you know how many kids are gonna be fed into the system in that span of time? What the heck kinda priorities… nevermind. Bottom line, I fit the bill of a teacher, and that’s not cool. Not cool at all.

And I get this strange feeling that somehow Somebody does want me to teach… If that’s the case, then I’m just sh!t outta luck, huh. And don’t hit me with that “He’ll bless you no matter where you are if you’re in His will.” This I know, obviously; I teach Sunday School presently by the way, shoulda mentioned that earlier I guess. It doesn’t make me any more receptive to the classroom than telling me “it’ll keep you from getting sick” makes me receptive to a vaccine from a doomsday-economy-sized-big-a$$ syringe in the RECTUM. And it’s pessimistic of me to say, but the fact that I hate the idea of me teaching so much makes it seem that much more likely to be the outcome. Because God often does put us in the most awkward, undesirable positions to make us learn Him, lean on Him, and trust Him; to show us what we’re capable of and all that jazz. As much as I’ve been trying to make this music thing come to pass, I figure I shouldn’t hafta become a teacher to get closer to Him. Now I’m getting even closer to Him from praying that teaching isn’t even in my remote future.

First days of school sucked before, but I can’t even imagine how bad my first day as a teacher would suck. I can’t even see myself living too-too long if I become a teacher cuz my blood pressure is prolly gonna be insane. I’ll prolly stop being invited to family occasions cuz I’m gonna have so much animosity against family that wanted me to teach. And I’ma definitely need a wife to help me along cuz I’ma be a basketcase so big you could take a whole buffet to the picnic. And my music… I’ll probably be so mad that even if I have time to pursue it during summer breaks, I’ll be too pissed to do it. I’ll prolly pull my Afro out… oops my bad. They’ll prolly make me cut the sh!t anyway for the “professional look”.

I’ma say this right now so I ain got da tell nobody later: I don’t do graduations. I don’t do proms. I don’t do games. I don’t do homecomings. I don’t do field days. I don’t do carwashes. I don’t do chaperoning on field trips. I don’t do conflict resolution. I don’t do conferences. I don’t do staff development. I don’t do pep rallies. I don’t do assemblies. I don’t do house calls. I don’t do ties. I don’t do heart-to-heart, mouth-to-mouth, or toe-to-toe. I don’t do fire drills. If I get called to teach, I’ma TEACH and that’s about ALL ya gonna GET. DAG this is a long blog!

Right now, I’m actually laughing a little bit. But that’s not a good thing. See, sometimes I laugh because I know I’m up the creek stankin. That’s my, “Gimme your best shot” laugh. It’s when I really don’t care if I win or lose, either way I’m too far gone to care. It’s like, I would get just as much pleasure out of being rotten as a teacher as I would having success with my music. I know it’s not a good way to be, but whaddaya expect?? I told you how much I hate school a looooong time ago! Guess you thought I was playing... Just pray that I’m wrong about this hunch so you don’t hafta worry about your kids ending up in my class and me making a knockout poster out of you when you come up to the school with your nonparenting a$$ and try to make a situation out of something when the real problem is your child has no home training cuz you suck as a parent and should be arrested for child neglect.

Goodnight.

The Great Qi Mystery Continues: "Kinesthesia"

2006-07-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

Kinesthesia... I just love the way it rolls off my tongue. I picked up this word watching a very dope anime, "IGPX: Immortal Grand Prix", and I knew I needed to know this word. On this particular episode, during a race it was said a racer used kinesthesia to accomplish an incredible feat: balancing two racing ships on her own ship while continuing to guide her ship toward the finish line.

The very moment I heard the word, I felt like it was relevant to me; I felt like I had used kinesthesia before. Like when I shot a bow and arrow in PE class as a youth, and when I used to shoot basketball, and when I shot a pellet gun before. It's a strange feeling; I forget about my body and focus on making the shot, but at the same time my body does just what it needs to, like magic almost. And my shots, especially with the gun and arrows, were exceptionally accurate.

So what is kinesthesia? It's not really that difficult. It simply is the ability to know the position of your body relative to other body parts. Close your eyes. Put you finger on your nose. You used kinesthesia to accomplish that; if you couldn't do that, you're either drunk or you have terrible kinesthesia, lol. (A more fun exercise is trying to point your fingers together with your eyes closed)

Kinesthesia is reminiscent of hand-eye coordination, except without the eyes. The only thing you rely on to know your body's position in kinesthesia is the nerves at the ends of your muscles all over your body. Then it hit me: Bruce Lee. I remember Bruce used to talk about having "awareness" of his body; when he was in a fight, he was fully aware of himself. That allowed him to concentrate on the fight itself instead of his bodily actions and reactions. Now I see even more what he meant when he said "there is no fight"; he was able to function almost without thinking and everything he did in the fight was not calculated, but natural. Could it be that Bruce Lee achieved total body kinesthesia?

I did a little more reading and found something else interesting. Searching for ways to improve kinesthesia, I came across the "Alexander Technique". As I read on, I came across the notion that "habit diminishes sensation". But the goal of kinesthesia is to basically totally rely on sensation. As I read further in the same article, an interesting theory jumped out at me: mastering kinesthesia frees the mind to concentrate on other things. Hmm....

So here's where I have another unsubstantiated hunch...

Martial artists train and train and train their bodies using kata until the movements are second nature to them, right? So... in a fight situation, I believe less thought is dedicated to movement. However, as I said before, kinesthesia is not simply memorizing motions, programming oneself you might say, and following through; that's where traditional martial arts (as opposed to Jeet Kune Do) conflicts with kinesthesia. Kinesthesia would be the martial artist who makes his every move consciously and not out of habit, and is mentally aware of his every movement as it happens. The picture of this is the blind fighter; he devotes none of his brainpower to his vision, so there's more to dedicate to his own movements. I wonder if a fighter were to be deprived of sight and hearing, where would his mind dedicate its energy? I hope you see where I'm going, lol.

Perhaps a fervent pursuit of the sense of kinesthesia would answer this question. I have a hunch that the mastery of kinesthesia would free the mind enough that it could direct it's energy to other things, i.e. Qi? It's a lead.

Big shout to Cartoon Network and Wikipedia, lol
B-J

Jigabod Meets the Predator (warning, AVP spoilers!)

2006-07-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah... Gotta do this one.

So I'm back in my Jedi fantasma. Doing my best to keep cool, but this cat is a lot more intimidating that my homie RoboCop. I mean, his first opponent was Arnold Schawartzagiggity and a bunch of yahoos with big guns. Second was Brotha Danny Glover the half-lethal weapon. But then... then my man tried to put the moves on Sanaa Lathan and fight the most biggest-headed creatures of all time: the aliens (isn't that bogus they don't have actual names? isn't aliens a bit generic?)

I'm tambout... the Predator. Or should I say Predators? The dopest race of aliens I've seen in movies to date (cept that green Jedi chick that they gunned down in episode III, she was cu.... CURSE YOUUUUU ORDER 66!!). First of all, they've got dreads man; they're with "us". I mean look, in AVP one of em even tried to holla at a sista. That's dope.

Um... that could also be a problem for "us", but that's another day's entry.

What I love about the Predators is that they're warriors, not monsters like their alien counterparts. They actually have a culture. They have martial arts along with their high tech weaponry. I mean, that boomerang that the one was using in AVP was ice; he put on a show with that thing. And the scene where he pops out of nowhere with a winding twist and drives a stake in to the alien queen; a thing of beauty.

They're sentient beings and not just killers; they have beliefs pertaining to life and death. I loved in AVP the dynamic of the Predator cooperating with the human, and I believe his impending death contributed to that. They're resourceful; a Predator found a means to communicate with a human and fashioned weaponry from the body of his fallen alien foe. I also like how he communicated that the device he had was a bomb in that one scene, lol.

And then... well then there's the weapons. The shoulder mounted cannon has a lot of names on it I must admit; from ALL the Predator movies, lol. Then you got ur two pronged claws; also have a lot of names on em. Ur expando-contracto staff; hasn't seen much action, but dope nonetheless. And my new favorite: the bladed boomerang. Ohhh the possibilities, lol. And to accompany the arsenal, these cats actually LOVE to FIGHT! I mean, they raise aliens like chickens just to kill em; THAT's some Goku, "I wanna be the best me I can be" warrior type ish, lol.

One thing tho Predator brothas. For the sake of all that's decent, keep ya masks on. Also, Jigabod might wanna get a tatt of that symbol on ya helmet, but tell a brotha what it means so he don't go humiliating himself, cuz if it's on some matrimonial ish, I don't do male humans and I SHO don't do male aliens. You can kill me bout that one if you want to...

(low buzzing) Hup, whaddaya know! My lightsaber's working. To be continued FOO...B-J

Jigabod Meets RoboCop

2006-07-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

Ight, so in my own mind the dopest thing I could ever be is a Jedi. I'd have an orange lightsaber with a problem staying lit that just tends to light up when I need it to, which would cause me to become ridiculously skilled at hand to hand combat by necessity. I'd use the force to manipulate a set of dominoes and to heal wounded spirits, specifically of females. And I'd spend my time corrupting Yoda into becoming a Jedi hustler by beating the breaks off of him in dominoes. And that's why I'll never be a Jedi, lol.

But before I accept my fate and go back to reality, I gotta make a quick stop. Last few days, they've been playing Robocop movies like crazy. Yo, I forgot just how dope RoboCop is! When I was little, the movies used to scare me a bit, but now that I'm older I might hafta buy at least the first one.

The thing that's cool about RoboCop is he's like a cowboy. He moves slow as heck since he's a robot, but it creates crazy suspense when he gets in tight spots cuz it's not like you can tell him to run, lol. His gun's shaft is long as HECK! It's like, when he points a gun at somebody the nozzle seems to be in their face no matter how far away he is, lol. Oh, and you can't forget the holster; my boy has a holster built INTO HIS LEG. How dope is that?! And he does the whole gun trick like a cowboy too! Wonder who programmed that into him.

The helmet is gangsta. I'm sorry, but chrome domes just rock. I'd love to see him headbutt somebody just for the heck of it. Homie has a technological spike built into his hand for data transfer. ...Yeah right, my man RoboCop STABBED somebody with that joint, lol. He's a regular one-claw Wolverine in this piece.

He's always got a little lady to look after, can't be mad at the man ya know? Runs in the family. But this is the absolute dopest thing about RoboCop: his motif. I promise you, RoboCop's motif is one of the dopest hero anthems EVER produced. I say, and stand by this declaration: RoboCop's motif is the antithesis to Darth Vader's motif. Take it to the bank.

Sadly, however, the odds of RoboCop beating Darth Vader are slim to none; if he can get his gun up he has a chance, cuz bullets are faster than them sorry-a$$ lasers on Star Wars that get deflected. But Vader's got the force itself on his side to deflect bullets, or probably keep Robo from drawing his gun in the first place, not to mention a light-saber to make short work of that titanium exo.

However... Vader didn't count on Jigabod in the passenger seat when Robo rolled up. DOMINO FOO!

And I'm outB-J

But the greatest

QUICK-THOUGHT! CATCH-IT! CATCH-IT!!

2006-07-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

Okay-okay, something just hit me...

Okay, right now, I have NO idea what I want my ideal woman to look like. It's something I had already realized, but never really gave any thought to. But then something hit me...

Ordinarily when we don't have a preference, the first thing we do is what? Go trying to find something to prefer right? But why? What for? I just realized: we have such a hard time adjusting to things because we get fixated on things before we actually have them.

So let's say right now, I don't have a preference in my ideal mate. I know some things I don't want, but I don't have anything in particular that I do want. GOOD. Instead of going out of my way to create frills, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna say "Lord, I know there's somebody out there for me, or maybe there isn't. Either way, You have at it. I'ma chill and let You send me whoever she is."

Boom. And just like that, my chances of dissappointment have been drastically reduced. Since there's only one person out there for me, it makes no sense to dream up somebody who might possibly not fit her description. Pessimistic? I don't think so. Maybe it's easy to say all this cuz I really don't care anymore; I've been single over a decade and I almost wear it like a badge of honor. I mean, truth be told, it hasn't been as bad as you might think; I'm alone and not lonely. So, as much as I love romance itself, I'm a bit apathetic about finding a mate. And the funnest thing about it... what the hegg is anybody gonna do? Hitch me? lol

And naw, that wasn't a typo; I really said "funnest".

And heck, since I have no preference, the irony is she may be easier to spot, cuz I don't have my own expectations blocking me. Weird huh? It doesn't feel like I've said anything, but I think u'll feel me when it sinks in.

So, Lord, when you get around to it, I'm around. However You wanna do it, it's cool.

Five Alarm Blaze

2006-07-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

Quick shoutout to Billy Gunz, one of the illest MCs I know. A few months ago, we decided to do a collaboration. Being that this cat is top notch, I pulled out all the stops on my verse, which I hadn't done in years.

It was HARD TO RHYME that verse! I mean truly HARD! But I finally got it out using a little production work. I really didn't like the fact I was struggling like that though; when I was 17-18, I could've done it easily.

But the funny thing is, once I complete a verse, it gets easier to rhyme it because I have it almost memorized and know how it flows. And for the last few days, I've been repeating that verse to myself. But it was so difficult that it's actually improving my delivery just to repeat it! It's become a personal exercise to help me regain my quickness and dexterity.

I'm very excited by the results of my practicing; it will not be long before I'm just as lyrically dextrous as I was when I was starting out. Gunz, thanx for forcing me to push myself. I just might redo that verse to let you see what I can REALLY do, lol.

Jesus PeaceB-J

Watermelon Season Foos

2006-07-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

Ay, I saw the Lost Episodes of Dave Chappelle the other day. FUNNY STUFF, lol. But I gotta say this, regarding the pixie skit: I ain got no pixies foo! BWAHAHAHA, I'm a Black man and coincidentally, YES I DO like fried chicken, watermelon, kool aid, soul food, and most other things people stereotype with Black people, thick women included. And I will EAT ALL THAT STUFF RIGHT IN FRONT OF A WHITE MAN'S FACE, thick women excluded... yeah. But you know why? Because the truth is, White people probably like that stuff too, but they're scared of THEIR pixies, lololol.

I love all people folks, but it's friggin true; there's no way in hell White people don't like fried chicken as much as we do, I'm sorry. Ya'll frontin, ya'll pretending, ya'll lettin that lil dixie pixie run ya'll LIFE! I ain scurred, lol...

Anyway... that was fun. The REAL subject of this blog is... I'm on a hot streak of pickin watermelons this season. And I thought it would be robbery not to share some watermelon wisdom so ya'll can enjoy the rest of ya summer. My gift to people of all races; three tips to get the most out ya watermelons...

1) This is one thing I remember my pop teaching me: you pick the watermelon by the stem. Look for the watermelons that still have the stem attached. And then, of those, pick the ones who's stems are still green, especially around the base closest to the watermelon itself. I've followed that three times this year and three times it's been all to the good.

2) EAT THE SEEDS FOOS! You can't enjoy a watermelon while spitting all the seeds out, lol. They will NOT hurt you, they will NOT cause watermelons to grow in ya stomach like that little story they used to tell. Matter of fact, they're good for you. And if you eat a couple together, you'll find they taste like nuts; similar to almonds. So CHOW DOWN.

3) If you get a watermelon that's just unbelieveably sweet, SAVE SOME SEEDS AND PLANT THEM JOINTS! We need more sweet watermelon in the world. It's nothing to have a lil patch of your own. So make sure the best ones reproduce themselves.

That about it... or not.

4) DON'T LISTEN TO THEM LIL PIXIES FOLKS. THEY'LL SCREW YA LIFE UP! IF YOU WANT SOME WATERMELON, THEN GETCHU SOME SHO-NUFF WATERMELON FOO! lolol

Customized Fighter

2006-07-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

So I wake up this morning and go brush my teeth and all that jazz. 'Like what I see in the mirror, don't really care how anybody else feels, lol. I was a lil stiff and sluggish, but feeling good, so I threw a random elbow to get the lead out (deja vu). And I stopped: "Hey... all this talk about martial arts, Jeet Kune Do philosophy and shtuff... I never actually evaluated myself to see what style(s) would fit me huh?"

When I say "fit me", I don't mean philosophically; I'm talking strictly physically this time. I wanna evaluate myself to see what styles physically would suit me. ...I doubt I'll ever need to know this, but martial arts are an interest of mine, so don't knock it, lol.

Hm... I didn't really meditate on this earlier cuz I wanted it to be fresh when I wrote it. So, from scratch, I'm gonna give myself a physical eval.

(Steps onto futuristic data analysis platform. Bright lights and lasers as the supercomputer begins the data retrieval process...)

So here's the Jigabod's makeup and the conclusions I draw from them:

1. I have a CRAZY wingspan. As in, my wingspan is almost as long as I am tall, and I'm a good height. My first instinct was to go with Muay Thai kickboxing, as it uses many elbow strikes; this would allow me to have very quick strikes at short range with further range capability. But then I noticed something...

2. My forearms are the bulk of the length of my arms. So if I rely on punches instead of elbows, I would have CRAZY reach. Plus, experience has shown me I have incredible speed since my arms are so light (I learned the secret to blocking shots in basketball is not your height, but the speed with which you extend your arms, lol) So maybe boxing or kickboxing. Not to mention...

3. My hands are HUGE. So when I make a fist, it's a BIG 'OL FIST. I'm not sure how beneficial long fingers would be for using chopping strikes, so I tend to think punches are the way to go with me.

4. I don't have very broad shoulders, which further discourages Muay Thai elbow strikes, as I don't have great range with them.

5. I have a very thin, very lightweight frame. The funny thing is, I've seen a lot of Muay Thai fighters, and they're built just like me. I can move very quickly, but I'm relatively easy to move (not counting the fact I'm very good at controlling my weight). I'm not buff at all, but I'm well defined; less than, but similar to like Bruce Lee's physique except...

6. I'm 6'0. When I was younger and a little shorter, I was good at controlling my center of gravity; perfect for my favorite style, Aikido. Now that I'm six feet, I'm a bit more unbalanced. Most of my height's composition is from the waist down, as I have long upper and lower legs. But again, this seems to allude to a Muay Thai style of fighting, as the fighters I've seen had the same build.

7. Emphasis on the long legs. Not easy for the quick side kicks and such often seen in many arts, but ideal for the high kicks and straight kicks of American kickboxing, French kickboxing, and Thai kickboxing...Muay Thai again.

8. Most of my long legs is thigh; I have long thighs. but it's not the thigh itself I'm looking at; since I have long thighs, my knee range is great. And guess what art uses a bunch of knee strikes as well... Yup, Muay Thai.

9. Big feet. Here we go again. Long range high kick, ended by a big foot. Muay Thai again, right?

10. Now here's the clicher. Light frame. Muay Thai is BRUTAL. I think American kickboxing is more civil and suited to a person such as myself for whom it wouldn't take much to get things broken. And I think speed comes more into play in American kickboxing than Muay Thai, and my light frame would facilitate that.

So, in conclusion, I think the art I'm best suited for would be a custom art that falls somewhere between American and Thai kickboxing. That's not to say I wouldn't prefer or be able to make use of a different art, but that's just what my natural suit is.

That was fun, lol
B-J

The Big Hurt Thesis

2006-07-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

And no, this got nuffin to do with Frank Thomas... dag, I said nuffin. Friggin NY kids...

So I had a religious debate the other night, and now I'm stuck in a place most Christians frequent. There's something I want, but it would go against my beliefs. That hurts. Alternatively, I could just go for it and face the consequences. That hurts too.

So I was walking around my house today pondering. I really wanna do the right thing but: 1) I'm not 100% sure what the right thing is and 2) if it is what I think it is, it seems doing the right thing would hurt as much as doing the wrong thing. At least, that's what I thought the moment it hit me.

And don't get me wrong, I know better: when it comes to making choices, it's not about what hurts more or less; it's about doing what pleases God regardless. But I stopped and thought for a second: sin hurts; doing the right thing hurts. There had to be something more to it... And then I had a revelation.

One thing I know that I already knew that I know for CERTAIN now is that Sin is definitely passed from the original sin through the generations. Pain proves it. I thought about this:

Oftentimes in life, doing the right thing does hurt. But you know what? Most of the time, even if it hurts in the meantime, it doesn't hurt for long. It's like a vaccine; it's a sharp pain that goes away soon and ends up helping you much more than it hurts. Sacrificing to help someone for instance; it sucks at the moment, but you feel good about it later, plus more things like friendship and good will can stem from it. Or being patient; it sucks in the meantime, but that just makes it sweeter when the thing you've waited for comes to pass (assuming it does come to pass that is).

But sin; sin usually doesn't hurt like that. Yes, like doing the right thing, there may be a sharp pain at first. But the difference is, a lot of times the pain of sin will stay with you. It's residual. It's like a disease; it may cause discomfort at first, but the real pain grows as it progresses. Like premarital sex; it's sweet for a night, but then there's that memory when you're with your spouse, or that baby that you have that changes your life. It hurts, and it doesn't ever leave you.

When I think about the nature of sin and the pain it brings, for me at least, it echoes the belief in sin being passed down through the generations. The pain of sin is residual, and it's just a reflection of sin itself being residual.

So, as I contemplate (yes, I'm still considering doing something not very smart) trying my luck, I'm seeing that it's not a matter of choosing the sting of one thing over the sting of another; it's the sting of doing right versus the stigma of doing wrong. One thing I can recover from fairly quickly... I think. The other, it's probably gonna stay with me for quite some time, and not to my betterment... I think.

And that's my Big Hurt Thesis.

It Was a Day

2006-07-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Yep. A day. I already know this is gonna be at least three entries. Here's number one: a synopsis of the day I guess you might say.

It wasn't a bad day peeps, not at all. It was just mad crazy. I woke up rather prayerful about something I can't even remember. I think I just wanted to talk to God cuz it was hard to get up.

From there on out, it was a rollercoaster, or something like that. I remember once I got up, I was stretching or something, and I just randomly threw an elbow to get the lead out and start my day. Well, that got me to thinkin bout martial arts. Yup, I'm pitiful; sue me. Better yet fight me>:-D

Anyway, I was thinkin, "Hm... I wonder what martial art would suit me. I think I'll write about it later." If you're reading this, "later" hasn't arrived yet.

The night before, me and my co-conspirator had a discussion about whether or not I should pursue a particular love interest in spite of differences; I got to have fun toggling that all day. Hate it or love it... or both. What can I say, I'm a freak for heartbreak. She and I actually talked quite a bit today; situation remains unresolved. It's the journey, not the destination. In my own way, I'm luvin it.

Actually, speaking of pain, I found myself discussing how it hurts doing the right thing, but also hurts doing the wrong thing. I had a good discussion with myself, and we decided we're gonna blog about it later. If you're reading this, "later" hasn't arrived yet.

Website I bought; enough drama to put on a Greek tragicomedy. Yeah, I like that word tragicomedy cuz it just so accurately describes so many things. Life will make you laugh and cry at the same time, and that's sad and hilarious.

Kayzy, so when I got fed, I went for a ride. Decided to visit my aunt, but before I got there, I stopped to get a ginger beer. Long time no see with the mom and pops shop. Got to my aunt's--- pardon the interruption, but I'd just like to say I'm rushing right now--- house, and she wasn't there. No biggie. I was gonna be cute and leave a gingerbeer on her car's hood as a gift and be on my merry way.

Just as I'm leaving, she pulls up. Booyah! But here's the clincher: as I gave her the ginger beer as a gift, I get reminded that it's actually her BIRTHDAY! How sweet is THAT! She says it was my mother reminding me from Heaven, lol.

Kicked it at auntie's house for a while, came home after going by the same drugstore to do the same thing I still haven't and realistically won't be doing: getting a date with my high school classmate. I know it's not in the cards, but... well, scroll up. I'm a freak, lol. Did get some ginseng green tea outta the deal tho, so wonderbar.

Got home, and more internet drama. A lil more serious than I like it, but... dadgommit I got a GINGER BEER. I shall NOT lose. But seriously, its funny the relationships that form over the Net. And it's funny how people love to say they're preposterous; really I think many people diss things just to make themselves look intelligent or mature, not because they're right. But that's another...entry.

One thing I know; if I was crazy and rich, I'd have an adopted son right now. And maybe a wife. I prolly sound crazy, but it's my blog, that's what I'm s'posed da do.

Aight... I'm way too eager. I'm gonna cut this entry and get started on the other two or more. That's my day in a vague, gibberish nutshell. Enjoy. "Later" cometh.

The Great Qi Mystery Continues: Blockage

2006-07-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Kay. SO... I'm still taking note of myself to figure this mystery out, don't think I've forgotten just because I haven't written about it for a while, lol. One thing you gotta know about me; I think in webs. I have a million things going on at once, so just because I walk away from one to work on another doesn't mean I'm done with it.

Matter of fact, to usher you into this post, I'll bring up one of my "side projects". I bought a website a while back. The goal was to create something beautiful from it and simultaneously make a profit. To make a long story not long, s'not happening. Well... yet.

In the meantime, incredible frustration. A side of me has reared that I haven't seen since middle school... actually that I've never seen because back then I wasn't bold enough to be this aggressive. I mean, I'm doing a lot of very uncharacteristic things and I'm constantly having to repent for what I say. Still, I feel like I'm at this point for a reason. And I think I learned something by being here already.

You know, it's funny; you never really learn about yourself until you step outside of your comfort zone and your usual routine. I've been mad a lot recently, mainly due to a lot of ignorance and immaturity from people on my site. But since I've been on this tirade, I've noticed something very strange. I had been doing my best to keep my anger muzzled, at the end of those hot days I was exhausted. But recently, I took the muzzle off and allowed the anger flow freely, swinging at whoever was trying me at the moment. And you know what? When it was over, I wasn't at all tired... As a matter of fact, I had a LOT more reserve left in the tank.

Disclaimer: no I'm not saying it's good to cuss people out and have unbridled anger.

At having so much reserve, I thought to myself, "I do believe I actually use more energy stifling my feelings then when I let them explode! No way..." I always figured that raging out of control would take more energy than choosing to remain peaceful. Then I thought back to my childhood. I had so much energy back then, and coincidentally my feelings we're stifled at all. If I was sad, I'd cry. If I was happy, I'd laugh. If I was angry, I'd fight or use mean words; it's just, my mean words we're profanity back then because I knew no curse words. Perhaps...

Then I thought about something I caught wind of once: "part of Qi is controlling your emotions." And I thought about what it means to control your emotions. Usually, if I feel somethign I don't agree with, I fight it until I silence it. But maybe... maybe what "controlling emotions" actually means is that emotions should be unleashed, but unleashed constructively. When I gave in to my anger, I felt energy like I haven't felt in quite some time.

So my goal now is to find a new way to channel my anger. Of course the first response is "you should write it out." Writing is one of my gifts, but when it comes to anger, it doesn't give me the same feeling as letting my anger explode; writing something that potent isn't so easy to do. I'm a perfectionist, so if my words don't express what I feel to a tee, then it's unsatisfying. Truly, I'd get more satisfaction at shouting; problem is right now I have the urge to shout unmentionables. I need something else...

Well, even though I do repent of my raving, I'm glad I'm experiencing it. It's taught me something about myself: I expend more energy by stifling myself than I do when I go with what I feel; that's amazing to me. I'm not suggesting to go wild and do wrong; I'm suggesting to "be angry and sin not" like the Bible says. I need to learn the correct way to be angry freely. In doing so, I may be one step closer to discovering that "more than meets the eye" that I'm looking for.

B-J

Home Theater: Second Edition

2006-07-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching this movie Popeye, starring Robin Williams, from 1980ish right? And I assumed it wouldn't be much. But ya know, I'm LOVING it, lol. It's... cute... clever... fits the cartoon... well acted... creative. So I've been sitting here for hours watching and I just realized: I need to buy this movie.

Then I remembered back in January that I did a "Home Theater" blog listing movies that I wanted to add to the ol' collection (none of which I've bought except Blazing Saddles, lol). And since then, I've seen plenty of movies that I would like to have in the repertoire, so here's part II of my movies(and other cinema)-most-wanted list. Enjoy:

Popeye
Elektra
Both Star Wars Trilogies
Million Dollar Baby
Sole Survivor
Hero
House of Flying Daggers
The Boondocks Season I
Napoleon Dynamite
Alien vs. Predator

THIZZ FACE

2006-07-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

Anybody that knows me right now knows I dig this Hyphy music movement out of Cali. One of the first things I got out of it was this cat Mac Dre and his "Thizzle Dance". It's where you scrunch up ya face like somebody just let out a hot one and dance like an old dude. It's funny cuz I remember people doing similar dances and making similar faces back in the day, lol.

Anyway, Thizzing isn't hard to do at all, especially the face part. Most of you have probably thizzed at several things in your lives and didn't even recognize it. So I figure I'll give you a list of my Thizz faces and what triggers them. This is gon be fun, lol...

1. The best way to thizz... funky music. If real funky song comes on, my face gets thizzed up; perfect example, "Dirty Harry" by the Gorillaz. See, you can dance witcha face too. I call mine the "If I was Spiderman, I'd Dance Up the Wall" thizz face.

2. The worst way to thizz... funky smells. I'm talking trash truck juice... no wait. Perfect example. One time I got a whiff of a spoiled pineapple-coconut cake. I PROMISE you there's no worse smell on earth. And blessed believe my face showed it. I call it my "Abomination" thizz face.

3. When I pull off the most difficult combo in history on a fighting game and it looks like that joint was choreographed... When I write a verse so airtight I don't even need feedback... When I pick a watermelon at the store by the root, bring that mutha home, split it, and it's the sweetest one I've had all summer. I call that the "I Can't Believe I'm Not Butter" thizz face.

Disclaimer: Yes it's a bit arrogant, though hard work and attention to detail played their parts. When my face gets unstuck I remember Who made it all possible, so it's gravy.

4. Two kinds of cuteness will get a thizz outta me. Cute number 1: I think it's cute when girls say some of the things they say, like "I'm never getting married"/"I'm never having kids"/"I hate men". Or my favorite one from that song by that group Isyss: "If I can't have you, I'll just be single for the rest of my life" lolol. I can't help it; I thizz up cuz there's nooo way in the heck they really believe that. I call it my "Are You Kidding Me" thizz face.

5. The second kinda cuteness that makes me thizz is that under-the-age-of-8 cuteness. Babies with a pretty smile, kids saying the darnedest things, pouting, playing, getting too-big-for-their-britches. I call that my "You Gotta Be Kidding Me" thizz face.

6. Speaking of too-big-for-their-britches, I also thizz up when people come at me wrong. When I feel like I'm being strong-armed by somebody who I have no real inclination or obligation to respect, I call that my "Who Are You?/Naaaah, You Weren't Talking to Me" thizz face.

7. Yes... When a girl gets sassy/sexy/saucy/spicy or general flirtatious with me, that gets a thizz outta me. Now I'm not talking about when a female "approaches" me, cuz then I'm gonna be a total gentleman. I'm talking about if she's being a tease basically. I call that my "-aammmnnnn/Hammercy/Yes Ma'am" thizz face.

8. Barbecued franks, Momma's macaroni, turkey and dressing with cranberry sauce, green beans, black eyed peas, fried chicken, baked chicken, honey roasted chicken, grilled chicken, jerk chicken, teriyaki chicken, orange chicken, sesame chicken, ham and pineapple, steamed broccoli and carrots, collard greens, black eyed peas, cornbread, bacon, steak, tossed salad in catalina dressing, and a strawberry sundae with real strawberries, chocolate syrup, and a cherry on top. If that don't make you thizz, something is wrong with you, and I mean that from the bottom of my everlasting heart. I call it my "Have Mercy on this Food We are About to Receive" thizz face.

9. This is the great thing about thizzing. Watch this for 10 seconds:

That's what I call the "Thizz Outbreak". You can't fight it. When other people are having fun, you should wanna have fun too. Why you think so many cats hate snap music, but snap to it when a bunch of other cats get into it?

They used to say your face would get stuck when you were little, right? If you made faces? I just gotta ask this: how many people you ever seen actually get stuck? I haven't seen any yet, lol. THIZZ DANCE!!

Half-Life

2006-07-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Welp, for those of you who don't know by now, I'm a Georgia resident, Augusta to be specific. This is where I went to school, caught the bus, got off the bus, graduated, walked the streets, found Jesus, and experienced most of the biggest events in my life. And yeah, I love this side da block. The Heart of the Dirty/Soul South.

BUT, there's another spot I call home as well. Ya see, I was born in GA and grew up here mainly, but every night as a youngin, I went home to a house in the woods of Trenton, South Carolina. Isolated from friends, phones, traffic, and cable TV, that's where I dropped my books, did my homework, ate dinner, locked up in my room, and thought my way into the future. It's where I spent my weekends, watching cartoons, occasionally going outside and exploring, mainly wishing I was close to my peeps.

Ya know, when I was in South Carolina, all I wanted was to get out of South Carolina. I mean, my friends were always doing stuff without me and such, but that's a long drive to ask anybody to make just so I could kick it with em. Over time, I just kinda grew to despise the state. Especially when my pops and I weren't getting along.

But the thing is, in retrospect, South Carolina wasn't so bad. My family over there always has been very kind. The church I attended missed the mark for me, but it couldn't be totally off base to have such a nice congregation. Matter of fact, today was Family Day; pops told me about it a few days ago, and I decided to make my way over there. It was WONDERFUL seeing everybody again. All the lil short kids that used to run around are in COLLEGE now. I feel old as crap, lol. A lot of time has passed.

One of the first faces I saw when I got there was my old homie Rashad. Rashad and I were very close in age and very similar in demeanor. So we picked up where we left off, and that really made me feel at home. I spent a good bit of time after that remembering faces and shaking hands and hugging people. I saw my old high school teacher Mr. Martin; didn't know he was back in the SC area, but he's living right across the street from the old church now, ha.

There were several pretty young ladies there as well (only one of whom I was familiar with). But Jigabod got one rule bout dat: Jigabod ain gon holla at NO female at NO family occasion. Understand, I come from one of those "family" churches, as in my family is 3/4 the congregation. Also understand I got a lot of GORGEOUS faces in my family (not saying I'm one of em, I'll let you [women] decide that for yaselves sometime) so it's nothing for me to find out a beautiful young lady is kin to me. If it happened at my high school in a city I had never been in before in the middle of the boondocks, then it can DEFINTELY happen on Family Day. Plus...Ms. Mildred said I better not have a wife/girlfriend now cuz she wants me to focus on a career anyway, lol.

Besides the warm feelings, family, and hospitality, what I liked most about going back was the air. Nothing like being surrounded by trees, even if city lights are what fascinate me. At the close of my visit, I went to my grandmother's house right up the street (half the church lives right up the street; it's crazy) and caught a breeze with her for a while. My uncle was there; he's had it rough in his later years, but he's just as loving as he ever was, and animated, lol. Grandma started showing me pics of different cousins that she had on a shelf in her den. She has a frame with two pictures in it: one is my beautiful younger cousin and adjacent is my beautiful younger sister. She was admiring how the pictures seem to fit: my cousin was on the left leaning right and my sis was on the right leaning left.

It's amazing; all my bad feelings toward South Carolina I can attribute to like 2-3 people. But being at Family Day, I realized there were a plethora of other reasons for me to come back. And shoot, maybe I could bring my Georgia peeps with me next time. There's a psychological block I have on that area from things in the past, but I think maybe it's time to shed that and incorporate my old half-life into my new life. I'm capable now; I can come and go as I please, right?

And the funny thing... If I wasn't going to church just for the Word and the teaching, I maybe could go back to my old church and be right at home with the other side of my family. But I left because I wasn't being spiritually fed there; family won't get me into Heaven. But it kinda felt like Heaven being with my family. How ironic.

Jesus PeaceB-J

Tell Her I'm Sorry

2006-07-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

Tell her I'm sorry would ya; my word is worthless
I betrayed her trust and proved to her I that deserve less
No, she didn't expect perfection; only dedication
It was no accident; I did wrong with premediation
It was stupid... knowing that Cupid is a child's fiction
I sacrificed something precious, proved myself a contradiction
Sometimes I want the world, I admit; 'get tired of being alone
But a fool burns his bridges, then finds he can never go home
Then he really is alone, and he learns that the whole time
The best thing he had was in the friendship he put on the line
So just tell her how I feel, would ya; you know my true identity
To my Lord and to my pen; I don't know what got into me

:-(

On Tour

2006-07-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

When I in counseling a few weeks ago, my counselor told me I fit the description of a "pleaser"; a person that does whatever to keep the peace and such. It's a good thing to be, but at the same time when you're grieving it can be detrimental to you. And so she asked me, "What makes/would make you happy?" Any other question anybody asks me, I usually have a clear answer for. But with that question, I really struggle.

Why? Well... to tell you the truth, I'm a large part pessimist: I know there's the possibility of good things happening; I know there's the possibility of bad. I prepare for the worst because... well... well if a good thing happens, do you really need preparation for it? So I don't think about happiness too much; I stay on guard, and if a happy thing comes by, great. But I tire of seeking happiness, ya know? To me, a lot of times it's not worth the effort it takes to get to it.

Anywasy, I was listening to a song sent to me by my homie Twan in Canada: "Sorry" by Zion I. It's an exceedingly beautiful song; I've been restless today, and this song really kept my emotions in check all day. As it played, you know what it made me think about? It made me think about all the outta-town trips I've been on in my life, on the charter buses and such. More specifically, the overnight trips.

Well, it wasn't exactly the trips themselves I was thinking about; it was the bus rides. But not just the rides themselves; there's always a certain time on any overnight trip I've been on that sticks in my mind. It's when the passengers have grown tired of watching movies and the televisions go off. People pull out their blankets and pillows and call it a night ride. The only sound is the bus engine murmuring.

I find myself near the back of the bus beneath a dim, usually red or blue-colored light. We're passing by the metro area of some city, but no one seems to care but me. But that's okay. I'm leaning against the window with a notebook in my lap, knowing I'm not gonna write anything, but there seems to be so much to write about. (Can I tell you about?... I might as well since I'm here: There was this one time when I was on a bus passing through Atlanta. It was a foggy morning and the sun hadn't risen yet; it was still hours away. As the people around me slept, I looked out a window, and I saw a skyscraper rise above the mists. I kid you not; the building appeared to be a golden tower. I guess the distant-distant sunlight somehow was reflecting off it, but it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in person. Anywasy...)

Eventually, the notebook ends up in the empty seat next to me, assuming it's open. Usually it's not though. Preferably, my homie Swim'll be in it. On trips we've been on together, it's been cool because we're so close that we don't hafta talk. I like that about old friends: they know you so well that the only reason they chill witcha is just to chill witcha, like you're just a natural part of each other's environment. If not Swim (and if it HAS to be somebody) then maybe a nice young lady rests next to me. But ya know... as much as I love women... it's nice to have nothing to think about. Empty seat.

To know that my job in the back of the bus is to sit there and let the driver drive... No responsibilities anywhere close to me, new sights gracing my eyes as I sit and watch. No chatter to keep me bound to my immediate surroundings. Maybe my headphones on low, playing something nice like this Zion I track. Or maybe no sound at all, allowing the bus to lull me. And we just ride through the night. Once or twice it's been raining outside, and the lights from the traffic and city lights reflected off the windows in a beautiful array. And I felt sorry for the sleeping passengers who missed that part of the trip.

So... Ms. King, I think that's what would make me happy. Give me a charter bus, a gaggle of my peeps, pile us on a bus, and send us on a trip. And when the night falls, and they all pipe down and we're easing through the night, that's when I'll be happiest.

Come to think of it... pursuing this music thing... maybe I was meant to tour or something huh? Get on a bus to who knows where; perform. Get back on the bus; hit another location. Just be forever on tour. Yeah... maybe that. Maybe that's when I'll be happy Ms. King.

B-J

A Middle School Chat

2006-07-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

Sup readers. I wasn't planning on blogging today, but as I chatted with my homie Ken, the author of BlackLoveOneGrowth, listening to R. Kelly's hit "You Remind Me of Something", I began to talk about my middle school experience. And... it felt blogworthy, lol. So, here it is. Enjoy.

[00:57] Battlecataclysmi: "You Remind Me of Something" is so classic
[00:57] Battlecataclysmi: that joint takes me back to middle school
[00:57] Battlecataclysmi: sad to say actually, but it's true
[00:57] Drkenmack: ...wow
[00:57] Battlecataclysmi: I remember dudes use to sing that to the girls back then
[00:58] Battlecataclysmi: bittersweet
[00:58] Battlecataclysmi: now that I'm older it wasn't so cool, but back then... it was SOOO COOL, lol
[00:58] Battlecataclysmi: It doesn't even feel like we were kids back then
[00:59] Battlecataclysmi: like high school started in 7th grade
[00:59] Battlecataclysmi: and everybody's still so much the same, except... everybody seems sadder in general
[01:00] Drkenmack: that is true
[01:00] Drkenmack: almost to the point where convos with folks are getting really predictable
[01:00] Drkenmack: to be real, it's refreshing as heck when folks are having the good life
[01:01] Battlecataclysmi: true. but even the ones that "made it", they don't seem as happy
[01:01] Drkenmack: also true
[01:01] Battlecataclysmi: and it's almost like they're afraid to remember days gone by
[01:01] Drkenmack: people just need to...
[01:01] Drkenmack: hmmmm...
[01:01] Drkenmack: how i wanna say this...
[01:01] Drkenmack: get their mind right
[01:02] Drkenmack: folks got their priorities wrong
[01:02] Battlecataclysmi: well... some of em yeah. The rest, I think it's that Augusta stigma
[01:02] Battlecataclysmi: that "this is all there is to life" mentality; get married, have kids, work
[01:03] Drkenmack: man that's an international oppressive mentality
[01:03] Drkenmack: that's how they teach us in american schools
[01:03] Battlecataclysmi: jup
[01:03] Battlecataclysmi: and the funny thing is, I don't envy the people who have that at all
[01:03] Battlecataclysmi: I'm always more comfortable with people still finding their way
[01:04] Battlecataclysmi: for better or worse
[01:04] Drkenmack: i guess man. i hate to see folks strugglin jig
[01:05] Battlecataclysmi: true. but at the same time, they seem to be more alive than those that aren't
[01:05] Drkenmack: that's personal opinion
[01:05] Battlecataclysmi: I remember growing up, especially in middle school
[01:05] Drkenmack: my B...u did say 'seem'
[01:05] Battlecataclysmi: the rich kids who were set, they were so superficial
[01:05] Drkenmack: you got it...speak on pimpin
[01:06] Battlecataclysmi: but the cats who didn't have everything, they had so many dimensions
[01:06] Battlecataclysmi: some had made mistakes, some didn't know what the next day was gonna bring
[01:06] Battlecataclysmi: but they took nothing for granted
[01:06] Drkenmack: i think the key is just having and maintaining that edge...
[01:06] Drkenmack: don't let money or folks deter you
[01:07] Battlecataclysmi: they could always have a good discussion
[01:07] Battlecataclysmi: always had a good laugh on em
[01:07] Battlecataclysmi: could enjoy a sunset, ya know.
[01:07] Drkenmack: that's why following the big G is so crucial...that allows you to keep focus in conjunction with the success...
[01:07] Drkenmack: i know.
[01:08] Battlecataclysmi: I think middle school was the most important time in my life
[01:08] Battlecataclysmi: and i'm thankful I went to school where I went to school
[01:08] Battlecataclysmi: at a school with a bad rep that everybody talked down about
[01:08] Battlecataclysmi: it was so rewarding man
[01:09] Battlecataclysmi: and everytime I hear this song it comes back, lol
[01:09] Battlecataclysmi: it's not a "deep" song, it was just a song of the day
[01:09] Battlecataclysmi: the field trips
[01:09] Battlecataclysmi: lol
[01:09] Battlecataclysmi: pep rallies
[01:09] Battlecataclysmi: field day
[01:10] Battlecataclysmi: but then that time somebody got dropped and we witnessed it
[01:10] Battlecataclysmi: and when the whole cheerleading squad was getting pregnant left and right
[01:10] Battlecataclysmi: that time Ms. Jordan told us to never settle for second class
[01:11] Battlecataclysmi: My first Bankhead bounce, lol
[01:11] Battlecataclysmi: that was a classic moment
[01:11] Battlecataclysmi: And the first time somebody told me I was cute; a girl named Celencia
[01:12] Drkenmack: true, ha ha ha
[01:12] Battlecataclysmi: I've been playing this song for HOURS, lol
[01:13] Battlecataclysmi: it's so deep in my mind I don't even notice it anymore
[01:13] Battlecataclysmi: it just resonates in harmony with that part of me, lol
[01:16] Drkenmack: an r. kelly track?
[01:16] Drkenmack: that's just crazy to me mayne
[01:17] Battlecataclysmi: lol, thas cool. it was a big hit when it came out, everybody was singing it, and it's a dope song so...
[01:17] Battlecataclysmi: that's just how it went down
[01:17] Drkenmack: you remind me...of a dang jeep
[01:17] Battlecataclysmi: plus I had the biggest crush
[01:17] Battlecataclysmi: it's not the jeep that was important, lol
[01:17] Battlecataclysmi: it was the riding
[01:17] Battlecataclysmi: which we shouldn't have known about in middle school
[01:18] Battlecataclysmi: but it's hard to keep that from middle school heads
[01:18] Drkenmack: u right
[01:18] Battlecataclysmi: it's funny... grown ups said we weren't grown because we didn't know anything
[01:19] Battlecataclysmi: they were wrong; we weren't grown because we didn't know how to handle what we did know
[01:19] Battlecataclysmi: and we knew a LOT
[01:21] Drkenmack: ha ha ha, that's deep
[01:22] Battlecataclysmi: Man, when I think back, high school was less intense than middle school
[01:22] Battlecataclysmi: cats talk about how they think about sex all the time and all that now
[01:22] Battlecataclysmi: I think I don't do it much now because we got so much of it out of us in middle school
[01:22] Battlecataclysmi: Middle school was CRAZY
[01:23] Drkenmack: your middle school sounds like it was a trip, mayne
[01:23] Drkenmack: i mean, that's when my personality started to form itself, but i give more credit to my FAM experience
[01:23] Battlecataclysmi: I hear that
[01:24] Battlecataclysmi: but man... the illest thing I remember from middle school
[01:24] Battlecataclysmi: and I didn't witness this myself, but this chick was crazy enough to do it
[01:24] Battlecataclysmi: and there were too many witnesses
[01:24] Battlecataclysmi: but this one girl from around my neighborhood... smh
[01:24] Battlecataclysmi: we had a pipe that ran from the ceiling thru the floor in one class
[01:25] Battlecataclysmi: Put it like this... I WISH she had settled for dancing on the pole like any other freak
[01:25] Drkenmack: ouch
[01:25] Battlecataclysmi: she actually like pissed on the pole dawg
[01:25] Drkenmack: *gasp*
[01:26] Drkenmack: in middle school
[01:26] Battlecataclysmi: and this had to be... either 6th or 7th grade
[01:26] Battlecataclysmi: now don't get me wrong, she was like the freak of all freaks at the school
[01:26] Battlecataclysmi: like something was seroiusly wrong with this chick
[01:26] Battlecataclysmi: but just one incident like that is enough to warp anybody's mind at that age
[01:26] Drkenmack: it has the potential
[01:27] Battlecataclysmi: but just like we had freaks, we had young queens too
[01:27] Battlecataclysmi: I'm still tight with some of em
[01:27] Battlecataclysmi: and just like we had thugs, we had kings
[01:27] Battlecataclysmi: it was so comprehensive
[01:28] Battlecataclysmi: the only thing we didn't really have was bougie kids
[01:28] Battlecataclysmi: but they were at all the school meets or whatever
[01:28] Battlecataclysmi: talking mad trash, giving dirty looks
[01:28] Battlecataclysmi: even the white kids at my school were cool
[01:28] Battlecataclysmi: except one, and he got beat up constantly
[01:31] Battlecataclysmi: I had fun tho. That was the last time I really felt absorbed in school life
[01:31] Battlecataclysmi: I grew a lot in a lot of ways, but I had fun doing it
[01:31] Battlecataclysmi: It was the last time I was a part of a process and unaware of it
[01:32] Battlecataclysmi: it would be a dream to reunite with all the cats I used to kick it with
[01:33] Battlecataclysmi: in the back of my mind, I'm always looking for em whenever I step out the house
[01:34] Battlecataclysmi: so what's good mayn

Master of Learning

2006-06-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

At the moment, I don't have a martial art that I've mastered; definitely a future prospect. But there is one thing I've mastered, and it's really helped me along. I don't claim mastery of anything in truth, even writing my love. But my ambition has always been to have mastery of learning itself, and so I refer to myself as a "Master of Learning".

I'm watching Star Wars Episode III as I write this, and it's a perfect parallel in the character of Anakin Skywalker. His character flaw is his pride; his pride won't allow him to submit to anyone's authority; even his submission to Emperor Palpatine is for the sake of his wife. The Bible says it's foolish to not listen to people, to not seek understanding, to think yourself incapable of being taught. That arrogance is seen in Anakin in every Star Wars episode; he leaves the Jedi because of it, kills his wife because of it, fights his own master and eventually loses his limbs because of it.

At the same time, there's another theme that Anakin's role expresses. Anakin becomes the most powerful Jedi/Sith eventually, but it's because of his knowledge of both the light and the dark sides of the force. And eventually, the battle between light and darkness, between Jedi and Sith, moves from outside of him to inside of him. And he, as Sith Lord Darth Vader, overthrows the Emperor as light eventually conquers the darkness within him.

As much as I hate school, my occupation in life is a student. I realized a long time ago that learning is much, much more than being in a classroom. I learn from EVERYTHING. I learn from people, places, things, ideas, accidents, experiments, randomness, mistakes, you name it. I learned that the smallest steps can attain the highest speeds, but at considerably higher energy costs by watching a spider or a roach run. I learned that heat contributes to thunderstorms by watching weather patterns over a series of days.

I learn by necessity. Right now I'm learning CSS code, HTML, and Photoshop so that I don't hafta pay people to make webpages for me. I began as a rapper, but I became a producer because I couldn't afford to pay people to produce music for me.

I learn in anticipation of things. I used to sit thru church sermons directed at married couples while others my age would blow it off, knowing that one day I hope be married and would need to draw upon the same information. I learned at an early age that Experience is a hard teacher, a lesson also reinforced in scripture I later discovered, and so I learned it is better to know before the crisis rather than to be at the mercy of an unfamiliar threat.

I learned to deal with situations in their entirety and not to think with bias. I have beliefs and values, but I always entertain opposing views; this is because I learned that, if my views are indeed correct, then I have nothing to fear from opposing views. My cousin once said I should be a lawyer, and this is the way lawyers think; yes, they want to win their case, but winning the case requires an understanding of the incident and the opposing view. To refuse to hear both sides of a case is a sign that one is insecure about his position, and insecurity derives from that pride I mentioned earlier.

As Anakin learned both the light and dark sides of the force, I learn what is right and hold to it, but will literally sit at the feet of my enemy to learn his way also. Because, if my way is right, then it will still be right at the end of the day. I think about the verse from the Bible that says we should be "wise as a serpent, but harmless as a dove". The serpent is a representative of many dark themes in the Bible, yet we are told to have a serpent's wisdom. We are not to practice wrongdoing and wrongthinking, but we are to know it, as we will hafta live with and deal with it. And I've found that, in knowing the darkness, I've gained better understanding of the light as well; the same as a shadow tell you the time of day and the direction of the lightsource.

My favorite thing about learning is that in learning, I've learned that all things are relative. In school they break subjects up into categories, and students say "I excel in this" or "I suck at that". I've found that even in school, everything taught is relative to something in another field. The goal is not to specialize in one thing, but to interconnect the fields into a continuous stream. Even now, as I'm writing this entry, I'm using a movie to illustrate my ideas. This is why analogies are important; it's important to not isolate ideas and be able to relate subjects because sometimes this is how we gain understanding of an idea; it allows people of different interests and specializations to comingle and build.

I'm constantly working on things, trying things, experimenting, contemplating, anticipating, listening, interpreting, predicting, analyzing, evaluating, imagining, recording, comparing, contrasting, postulating, figuring, calculating, and just dreaming. I pray for knowledge, understanding, and wisdom and know the difference between the three. I think understanding is my favorite part, but knowledge is a prerequisite understanding, and wisdom gives understanding its value. I could get into that right now, but... another time.

Bottom line: the only thing in life I have "mastery" of is learning; and learning is a neverending process of which there can never be true mastery. But in learning to learn, you learn a potpourri of other things. The humility to be a student is one of the greatest assets one can obtain.

Jesus PeaceB-J

Bittersweet Dreams

2006-06-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

"Mercy Mercy Me (the Ecology)" huh... What a video. That was so dope; so soulful, so relevant. Video Soul, keep doin whatchu do for a Jigabod aight...

Well, I'm not sure what to call it, but this is what it is: I opened up a water bill and there was a brochure in it. But it wasn't the bill or what was in the brochure that concerned me; on the cover of the brochure were pictures from several water-related facilities in my area. The one that caught my attention was the area lock-and-dam.

Dag... I've only been there once in my life. It was in the seventh grade I think, after our team got cheated in the Science Bowl. Our coaches took us there after the event to reward us; the lock-and-dam was also a park, so we spent the rest of the afternoon there. I'll never forget who was there. There was the one girl who I had a crush on at the time; then there was the girl I SHOULDA had a crush on.

I just started thinking to myself, "What are the odds... If I were to grab my keys right now and roll down to the lock-and-dam... she might be there too..." Yeah right, lol. Number one, I'm not burning that much gas, cuz I don't even remember how to get to the lock-and-dam. Number two, think back to my "What If" post from waaaaaay back at the beginning of my blog journey; well, she's one of the married chicks I mentioned.

But sheesh, it's been a long time since I've thought about her. The last time I thought about her, it was when my little sister noticed me watching Keyshia Cole and said, "She kinda reminds you of ______ doesn't she?" (btw, that was the most perceptive thing my sister ever said to me; she read me like a book, lol)

I just started imagining going down to the lock. Maybe the park is the same as it was that day back in middle school. And maybe she's looking out over the water. Hopefully, she throws me that same look as when I saw her last, in the mall; just a look that said she was sincerely happy to see me. A quick hug, then a chat. Maybe I bring up that corny, true-geek letter I sent her in the 10th grade when I transferred schools to get her to laugh; MAN she had a great laugh. And the harder she laughed the better it always sounded. And then, by some miracle, I discover that she's not really married. Maybe it was a rouse or she was just in a situation or whatever. And she and I spend the rest of the day at the lock together, catching up, goofing off... the way it shoulda happened back in middle school, lol.

Ya know, I had a dream about running into her once before; I was asleep for that one though. It was the most random thing in the world, but I dreamt that for some reason I was in Atlanta. And I think she called my name out, or something like that; anyway we just end up meeting in the middle of the street. And when we embrace, time slows down for us, and everything around us just becomes a blur. I mean, it doesn't sound very strange or atypical... I'm just not used to having dreams like that. You know, where everything's that perfect. Tangent...

But you know, even writing this blog, I'm not really bitter. Sure, I would've liked to have had her, even for a little while. But--- and I'm not quite sure how to call this--- I'm content. I'm single, and I'm... content. I think about girls, but I'm not killin myself over anybody, ya know? I just like to dream. Doesn't mean I'm actually in love; it's just a sweet scenario.

The real bitterness in all of it is, I don't really dream a lot anymore. Maybe there is such a thing as being too content; I mean, for Pete's sake, I opened a water bill and was more fascinated with the picture on the brochure than with the amount I'm about to hafta shell out.

Or maybe... I just need to stop staying up so late writing blogs for you cats and get some shuteye, lol.

Jesus PeaceB-J

The Waiting Room Part II

2006-06-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

So I was watching Star Wars Episode III today, and I got to the end where Queen Amidala/Padme has her twins and dies. As I was watching the part where her daughter (Princess Leia for those who don't get into Star Wars) is given to her previous guardsman, I finally had the inspiration to pick up the "waiting room" series. If you remember last time, I wrote about all the things I want to tell my son when he comes. That post is still in progress, as new things are coming to me all the time, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to start on this one in the meantime.

So, in the event I ever have a daughter, here are some things I want to tell her:

1. "You're beautiful. You're SOOOO beautiful. God doesn't make mistakes, so don't ever doubt your beauty. ...But don't let it go to your head, haha."

2. "Smile as much as you can. It's good for ya. Smile juuust enough to where people might think you're crazy."

3. "Dudes work on their words like girls work on their appearance. Don't let a cat talk you into being with him so easily; watch what he does."

4. "If a dude doesn't respect his parents, he won't know how to respect you."

5. "Don't let any man treat you any less than I've ever treated you."

6. "Don't ever feel like you need a 'boyfriend' cuz you got daddy. And no matter what happens I'm always gonna take care of you."

7. "It's okay to look nice, but make sure people see you for who you are and not what you look like. And on that note, don't let what you look like be contradictory to who you are."

8. "Go talk to your mom."

9. "Go ask your mom."

10. "Before you ask me to do that, there's an old commercial with LL Cool J and a little girl that I should tell you about. He was sitting on a stoop doing his daughter's hair and..."

11. "Rubies are better than diamonds because rubies shine from within, while diamonds reflect light from without."

12. "Those other girls probably don't have fathers, Boo."

13. "Your grandmama was a wonderful woman, that's why I talk about her all the time."

14. "In our society, you gotta be real sharp. They will demand more of you than they would of a man, but with Christ you can meet any challenge. HOWEVER, don't spend your life trying to prove yourself to others; do whatever it is God says you were meant to do, and let them think what they want."

15. "Motherhood is nothing to be ashamed of. A woman is capable of doing anything a man can do, but just because she can doesn't mean that she should. Men and women weren't put here to compete with each other. And motherhood is one of the most powerful anointings God ever set in motion. Why do you think your mother gets the world on Mother's Day and I get a new necktie, haha...ha... No, I LIKE the tie... It's a pretty tie... You got taste..."

More to come...

The Great Qi Mystery Continues: It Feels Like... The Coolest Feeling

2006-06-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

It feels like...(wiping my forehead)

It feels like... fever. But, as I place the back of my hand to my forehead... to the side of my face... I'm as cool as can be.

It feels like... steam. The steam from blazing asphalt at the end of a downpour. It's so hot inside; much hotter within than without... and without, it's 85 degrees.

It feels like... a hot song. No, not a chart topper... More like... like the melody from Keith Sweat's song, "How Deep Is Your Love". That hot.

It's burning me, like hearing Erykah Badu singing, "slow, hot wind..." That's exactly what it feels like.

It's not that "bothered" hot either; while I think about girls at random intervals throughout the day, there's not a single one I take to bed with me, dig? It's something else...

I wake up in the morning and it feels like my whole body's lit. And yet, the couch itself (yes, I'm chillin on the couch in my own house) is cool like I'm not even there. Coincidentally, I have been eating a lot of rice the last few days...

I feel good; not especially great, but at the same time I feel... daring. Like... I can do anything, and yet I can lose to anyone at the same time. It's that "balance of extremities" idea I discussed a few months ago, remember? Hm...

My instincts told me to make a note of these feelings. I'm thinkin... they may be qi related maybe? I won't know until I figure out what qi really is. I'm still a believer that qi is a scientific phenomenon that we just haven't learned to perceive yet, so I figure anything is noteworthy eh? A good scientist recognizes even the smallest detail. Although... if you felt the heat I was feeling. you wouldn't say it was a small detail. You'd say it was the coolest feeling, lol.

The Great Qi Mystery Continues...B-J

The Waiting Room...

2006-06-09T21:48:00.000-07:00

There's a little somebody out there somewhere, no bigger than a twinkle in my eye. He looks like me, and somebody else too. He's my own flesh and blood; a new story inherited. I can't wait.

No, nobody out there has my baby pending, lol. But I was just thinking today, what will I pass to my son when he comes? It was such a thought, I had to write something. Just to have something to look forward to, ya know?

So, here are the things I plan to teach to my son when he finds his way here. Some of it may be redundant because, what can I say, the Bible is still right. But some is my personal perspective on things. And this post actually may never end cuz I'll probably think of something new from day to day. Anyway:

1. Son, Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. It may sound cliche, but it's true. It's like one of those 3-D puzzles; you hafta look at it the right way for things to become clear for you. And knowing Jesus gives you the "right way" to make life comes into clarity.

2. Son, you hafta ask God to show you who you are. There may come times in your life when I try to make you into something you're not, like putting wings on a car, ya know? It's no longer a car, but a plane. You hafta ask God to tell you who and what you are, and then you become that to the best of your ability. And if I ever interfere with you becoming that, just let me know (politely), and I'll listen. Because I'm here to help you grow in stature, not to change who you are.

3. Son, girls are gonna change your life one day. Always be nice to them. You hafta be careful how you treat them because God made them different from you in many ways. Always be respectful to them, and don't let anybody be disrespectful to them around you.

4. An upright man is a man who follows and emulates Christ; the measure of a man is his ability to sacrifice. And that sacrifice comes out of a man's love. You'll know love when you're willing to sacrifice. Christ set the example.

5. Don't work to get rich, Son. Money is important, but money shouldn't be your motivator. That's why we tithe; to remember that our relationship with God is first over any of our possessions.

6. Love is when you prefer someone over yourself. The best way to live is to be more concerned about those around you than yourself, and God will look after you in return.

7. School is only a small part of learning, Son. Everything you see has something to teach you if you pay attention. A smart man will always be a student and learn as much as he can. It'll keep your mind sharp.

8. Be confident, Son; not confident in what you can do, but confident in what you know God can do through you.

9. You know, I believe God made us the way we are for a reason. Your pop's face is hairy right? But if you look closely, I have blemished skin beneath it. My hair gives me an even skin tone. God's pretty smart, isn't He? When you get to be a teen, you'll probably want to change a lot of things about yourself; but learn to appreciate what God made you first.

10. Don't feed the animals, Son; when people act like animals, don't react to them, because it will only give them something to work with. But when you can ignore what they do and love them anyway, you'll shame them.

11. You won't believe me for a long long time Son, cuz you're young; but beauty is overrated. One day, you'll realize that having a good girl is better than having a pretty girl. But it just might turn out you'll find one who's both, lol.

12. Nice guys don't finish last, Son; nice guys finish. "The race is not given to the swift or the strong, but to he that endureth to the end." Those other guys will spend the rest of their lives unsatisfied, going from woman to woman. But you'll find a good woman, and have the rest of your life to share with her. Don't you see your mother in there?...

13. I'm gonna give you a tip that's gonna save you some stress; don't talk about something if you can't do anything about it.

14. No matter if a person is richer or poorer than you, they are your equal. Never feel inferior to or look down on anyone.

15. Your second cousin Donnie told me something years ago: "if you're gonna pray, don't worry; if you're gonna worry, don't pray." That's some good advice. So pray and pray often, and don't worry.

16. Racism is something you're gonna face in your life if you live here. But don't let it engulf you, Son. Some people will hate you, but the few don't represent the whole. Continue to love all and pray for those that hate.

17. Make friends, Son. Good friends are some of the most precious things you can have in this life. I've had friends that have been with me for decades now, and it just blows my mind to know we've been together this long. It's a true blessing.

18. lol, Try this, Son... Don't worry about dating girls. If you like a girl, get to know her; talk, laugh, joke, listen, LISTEN, and just be with her, like you would a friend. What you'll find is opportunities will present themselves. One minute you're talking, the next you get hungry. So you ask her, "I got the munchies; you hungry too?" Boom, you're off to get something to eat. Or maybe you see she's struggling in a class and you can help her. "Think you'll be ready for this test? If not, I can help." Boom, you're off to help her study. Date-dates are overrated... fun, but overrated, lol.

19. People tend to pass responsibility, Son. I mean, like if you see trash on the street, most people say to themselves, "somebody else'll get it" or "I didn't put it there, it's not my problem". That's why things never change, Son. Anytime you can do something to make things better, do it.

20. Question everything, Son. Many of the things people take for granted should be questioned. And regardless of what answer you find, when you question, you learn.

21. Cousin Donnie used to beat me to death in fighting games. But I kept coming back and coming back and practicing and practicing. And now he won't even fight me, lol... SO PICK THAT CONTROLLER BACK UP... I need some competition...

22. Who you are behind closed doors is the real you.

23. Treat your body right man; you'll appreciate it now and somebody else will later, trust me...

24. The way you feel starts to show in your appearance, so work on your "feel good".

25. You can learn to do anything if you try it, Man. People say I'm talented, but I just concentrate, take my time, and try real hard. And when you do that enough, anything becomes second nature. The most import thing is that initial effort, and then the patience. Don't compare your learning curve to anyone elses; learn at your own pace, and eventually it will come to you.

26. Ya gotta have empathy, Man. You can't judge a person by his/her actions because there was always something in the background that brought them to the point of deciding to do what they did; and if they claim it was nothing, they're usually lying.

27. Yes, ya pops still watches cartoons; the real shows are fake too so what's the point, lol...

28. Never trust people to do what they say they're gonna do, lol. I'm not saying everybody is untrustworthy, but never be in a position where you're totally dependent on someone else. Always have a backup, or be ready to take an extra burden yourself if necessary.

29. Ginger beer is the greatest drink on Earth son. It may burn at first, but you'll get used to it, lol.

30. If you have a dream, something you wanna try, anything, let me know and I'll do my best to support you, Son.

31. Walk with your head up and your eyes forward, Son.

32. As long as you do your best, you never have anything to be ashamed of.

33. Strive for perfection and you'll always have something to look forward to.

...But what if it's a girl?! More to come...

More than a Conqueror...

2006-06-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

Totally unrelated to this entry, I just saw Aaliyah on TV and STILL can't believe she's gone. I'm laughing to myself not because it's funny, but just because it seems so ridiculous, like it's a bad joke or something. Anyway, "more than a conqueror"...

I've been thinking about that biblical phrase for years now. "More than a conqueror". For years, I just took it as a figure of speech meaning "conqueror would be an understatement; totally victorious" or something like that. And, in essence, I think that's true in a great degree. But recently I was thinkin again...

Well, let me ask you this... who's stronger: Superman when bullets bounce off his chest, or a man who continues in spite of a several bullet wounds? I bet you never thought about it, but what is real strength? It's not when you can easily triumph over something. Strength is the amount of "in spite of's" one can shoulder. If it's no challenge, then there's no strength involved.

I mean, it's common sense really: how can one "overcome" when he's never been "underneath"? It takes more strength to say no to drugs after you've been addicted than before; it takes more strength to not steal when you're poor than when you're well-off. Make sense?

So, back to the original theme, "More than a conqueror". To conquer something is to overcome it, and as I said before, "more than a conqueror" I simply took as a hyperbole or figure of speech indicating total victory or the like. But I think I know what it's really saying. And um... depending on how you see life, it's not exactly fun.

What I think it really and truly means is this: to be more than a conqueror is not to overcome circumstances, but to persist in well-doing for the duration of circumstances. I think about my mother for instance. Her cancer didn't go away, but she continued WITH the cancer. It was a much stronger feat for her to do that than to have the cancer go away.

And when you think about it, that's a Godly feat; what human in his/her right mind would opt to live with an obstacle rather than be rid of it? So that's what I think the Bible truly means when it says more than a conqueror; because truly, it takes more strength to endure hardship than to overcome it.

So in my mind, I toggle this concept. Why? Because personally, I just wanna conquer things. I'm a very goal-oriented cat, and the last thing I want is baggage hanging around just to hang around. In other words, in my mind I could settle for just being a conqueror and no more. That sounds bad doesn't it?

But I realize this also: the thing about enduring hardship is that God gets more glory for it. With a constant hinderance at your heels, people get more opportunities to see the power of God at work. But often when we overcome things, He only gets a little recognition.

For the glory of God, I understand that we Christians are called to be more than conquerors. Still, it's daunting, and makes me a little sad. I get into a lot of situations with the mindset that eventually I'll beat it; sometimes in life we face things that we won't beat until we reach the other side. But as Christ once said, "this sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby". So at least I know it's not in vain. I don't like it, but for His sake, I understand.

For now, I got some things I just need to conquer if You don't mind Lord. But, whatever's in Your will for me, let it be done.

Jigabod's Fantasies - Rated G

2006-06-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

lol... I know this is rated G, but I gotta say this. You know how people ask about "fantasy-fantasies"? You know the ones I'm talkin bout... (shall we change this to PG-13?) Well, I've been asked about mine several times. But the truth is... I mean really, I don't have fantasies like that. Remember that post I wrote about love and lust a while back? It's really how I feel. So whereas most people fantasize about... you know... I fantasize about just spending time with a woman; long walks, flirting, talking, saying good night, things like that. That really floats me.

Okay, now to the real topic. Ever since I was a kid, I've had an active imagination, and I just wanna share some of the fantasies that used to hold my mind. Let's see... there's:

The Snow Fantasy
I don't know what it was about snow, but I used to think about it all the time. But not walking in the snow... sleeping in it. For some reason, even though I knew snow was cold, it wouldn't register in my mind, and snow just struck me as the most comfortable place to rest on earth. And I used to think about hibernating in snow and being uncovered by a passerby or in the new season, lol. It doesn't make sense to me now, but I still love snow. Just wish it wasn't so cold so I could fall out in it, lol.

The Space Fantasy
This was a huge one. I used to think about this ALL the time. I would imagine my friends and I in a HUGE spaceship. I don't think we ever had a destination; just all of us being on this ship together was dope. We had food and everything we needed (somehow, I never actually thought of where it was coming from, lol). Every now and then, we'd come across the routine evil aliens, and that's when some of us would jump in our X-Wingish fighter ships and handle bizness. Sometimes we'd clean house, sometimes we'd get put down and hafta make an emergency landing on a strange planet. Cue the beautiful alien princess...

Sometimes I'd be the wise-cracking Han Solo character; sometimes I'd be the distinguished Commander Riker type character; sometimes I'd be the alien on board, lol. But as I think back, the fantasy never really had a beginning or ending; it just was. The ship was there, we were in space, and we went forward. Ignorance is bliss, lol.

The Detective Fantasy
This is something from a sliiightly older Jigabod, lol. I don't know where I got my fascination with this, but I loved the idea of detectives. The classic scene where the cool private eye is chillin in his office, feet propped on a desk. "And then, she walks into my life..." Some girl in a trenchcoat eases in the door. She needs my help because she had nobody else to turn to. Sometimes she's that mousy, cute girl. Other times, she acts like she can't stand my guts, lol. (oh did I mention this always happens in black-and-white) Somehow I always end up down at the docks, and it's foggy outside. What happens from there is always unpredicatable (cuz I don't even know how I get down there; there's just always something bad at "the docks" lol). Sometimes there's goons down there, waiting to jump me. Sometimes I win; sometimes I end up getting KO'd and wake up beneath the pier. Sometimes I just get information and follow a bunch of leads to a villain; sometimes the girl I meet in the beginning is the villain. I love it just thinking about it! Maybe I'll write a new story, lol.

The Superhero Fantasy
Aw man, sometimes I would combine this one with the space fantasy. But most of the time, it would be like on Thundercats; there's a headquarters on some planet, sometimes earth, sometimes... who knows, lol. And we all live there like a family. Sometimes it would be superheroes and my homies, it just depended on how I felt. It was so dope: I'd either have my own powers, or I'd be learning from some of my favorite superheroes. Having philosophical discussions with my fav X-Man Colossus, lol...

But then, headquarters would come under attack! It would be the combined forces of all my fav superheroes' nemesises. Some would leave to defend the base; others stayed behind to man the defenses. I used to like being outnumbered by the enemy, but as I think back, the battle would change hands so many times it was really funny, lol. There was always a "secret weapon" or "escape route". And nobody actually died, only sustained injuries or got knocked the heck out, lol.

...Dag, I feel younger already just thinking about it all. I can't figure out where those fantasies went though; somewhere between middle school and high school they left me, and I miss them dearly. I'm a grown man, but I feel like I need to dream a little more to remember some things about myself. But in a way, I see elements of those fantasies in my personality now.

So what does Jigabod fantasize about now? Hm...

Romance
I think about the things I said earlier: intimate talks, wine-and-dine dates (just a term, I don't drink), long drives, kisses, laughing, eye contact. One particular fantasy is me and my date/wife in a 2006 Lincoln, decked out, headed to a gala-type event. Just a real cool occasion, where they play old school music and we shuffle all night.

Asian Countrysides
I think about living in a building with thin walls, beautiful landscapes, a quiet lifestyle, drinking tea, practicing martial arts kata in a natural setting. It would be dope to have an old sensai to trade ideas with too (I think I wrote about this one before)

Canada
I think about living in a place where racism isn't as bad, guns aren't as frequent, the government cares about its people more than its economy, pitbulls are outlawed, and music is pure. And speaking of Canadian music, meeting Esthero would be a CHOICE experience, lol (so of course the homie Swim would hafta be with me, cuz he'd kill me if I met Esthero without him, lol).

Activism
Rallying people together toward making a better community and world as a career. That would be so dope.

Music
Being in a studio with talented people and creating sounds never heard before. Maybe collaborating with the entire Dungeon Family... no, JOINING the Dungeon Family! That would be beyond belief...

Making It
I just want to be happy. To have financial security where I don't hafta depend on anyone.
To have a wife that's the woman of my dreams. To have an occupation that I'm glad to do, feel like I was meant to do.

When I look at my new fantasies versus my old, it kinda makes me sad. Did I really grow up, or did I just give up? After all, even as a kid I didn't SERIOUSLY think my fantasies were real. So what's wrong with having an active imagination as an adult if it's under control? But my new fantasies aren't so bad, and some are actually doable. That's always a plus. Perhaps a balance of the two might be beneficial. I haven't had a good dream in a minute; gotta break out of being so serious all the time. "Spaceship, beam me up..."

B-J

Addendum: Just for the Record...

2006-06-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

I. When I say I'm not in love, that does not at all mean I forfeit the right to fall in love. My actions post-statement in no way reflect that which was stated.

II. I should also say that my writing this post does not mean that I am falling or have fallen in love. Implications are no substitute for evidence and fact.

III. Should I fall, or should I have fallen in love, how would/should that matter to anyone else? It should not; I have not subjected myself to any other human's standard

...My cousin Mike once told me when I was little that I could be a lawyer cuz I was so doggone serious. Well Mike... is that lawyer enough for ya? I 'clare it's becoming a way of life homeboi, lol. We miss ya down here...

Jesus PeaceB-J

I'm Not in Love...

2006-06-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

...because love is reciprocal. But it's not infatuation, because I don't expect anything in return.

The best way I can explain it is... I'm in pain. It hurts me to see her feel her way through the darkness when there's so much light available. Can you understand that? We talk and we talk, and she comes closer and closer. Then I try to reveal her to herself, and she retreats. And all I can do is let go and wait for another chance. And I wish, I could just hold her, ya know? I know what you're thinking, but you're missing the point, you're not feeling me; I wanna hold her so she can't run away from the truth. Like how you hold children when they get vaccines. Vaccines hurt ya know? So you hold em tight til it's over, and they realize it's just a prick and that they'll be okay. I wish I could be there to hold her...

I know, there's a lot of other people out there I can help, and I do help them in different ways. But truth be told, I'm partial to women; you should know that by now. I'm partial because, as a man, I realize the role that men play is so much a part of why women are where they are; I've seen the damage being done firsthand. No, it's not my fault specifically. But who undoes the damage another man leaves behind? When I say that, I feel like I'm being invasive, but why? Why is it invasive to want to heal the hurting?

It's not like working with my students, where you have parents to play the crucial roles; and if parents aren't playing those roles, they can still be held accountable. But these young women I meet... all they have is their experiences to go by. And when you truly see it from their perspectives, their reactions (I say reactions because it's cause and effect), though not always "right" or "smart", are logical. Not logical in the "best overall decision" sense, but logical in the "I'm a created being who is by nature emotional and is outside of her element" sense.

Yeah, I must sound arrogant to claim I "understand" women like that huh...

Anyway, I'm sorry; I'm not the type to just "let it be". See, a long time ago somebody told me, "God doesn't let us see the problems of others for us to just ignore them." I don't know how biblical that is, but I wonder why it is that I see things... Why it is that I see the cause moreso than the reaction... Why it is that I can read minds... Why it is I can see external displays and understand internal turmoil... For my own entertainment? Doubt it. To ignore? Hm, that would be ironic. To torture me? Possibly. To do something about it? I like to think so.

Heh... Usually my words are my medium. But there's this case... Dag, all I can think about is how bad I just want to hold this one. Just to show her that there is such a thing as sincereity; to walk her through her own fears; show her there's no shame in recognizing our weaknesses; to invite her to change; to introduce her to something realer than almost anything she's ever felt.

It sounds like love doesn't it. But I'm not in love...

People, People, People...

2006-06-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

I think I've come to a conclusion, and it sux. Wanna hear it?

It's actually pretty obvious, but I thought I'd write about it because... well... I guess it's more trying to convince myself. Or somethin like that. Here it is:

A solitary lifestyle is deprivation. (yuck)

Well, I guess I better get to it... First off, I LOVE solitude. LOVE IT. And with good reason I think. Wanna hear em? Here they go:

1. When you're alone, you don't hafta consider anybody else.
2. When you're alone, you can't blame anybody else.
3. When you're alone, you don't have anybody to distract you.
4. When you're alone, you don't hafta explain yourself to anybody.
5. When you're alone, everything you do is totally your decision.
6. When you're alone, you get to know yourself pretty well.
7. When you're alone, there's no waiting.
8. When you're alone, there's no rushing.
9. When you're alone, there's no ridicule or mockery.
10. When you're alone, there's no unnecessary protocol and pomp.

That's just 10 off the top of my head. I'm the type of cat that could go live off in the mountains as a hermit and never hafta see anybody again; just gimme my spot, my food source, my Bible, somethin to write with and paper, and a dope song to sing.

So what has brought me to the point of denouncing my beloved solitude? I'm not sure where it came from, but I had a revelation today. It'z one of those things that sux because it's like unavoidable; a bulletproof argument. Here it is:

(total) Solitude is bad because God uses others to uplift us. At the same time, He uses us to uplift others. So by totally isolating ourselves, we stunt our own growth as well as the growth of others.

No...I'm not arrogantly suggesting that somehow I'm some "inspirational" person that people shouldn't be deprived of (<-----see, that's where solitude begins to look so appetizing, because I wouldn't even hafta explain that). All I'm saying is if every man were an island, we would all be people of smaller stature as a whole. You can't say that at some point someone in your life didn't help you to grow further along than you would've grown by yourself. It's like not having a spotter: sure, you MIGHT be able to bench that much weight, but if you're wrong it'z a wrap and ur gonna getcha chest caved in (I had to use violent imagery cuz I still don't like the idea).

I don't know if I don't like this blog because I'm barely awake when I'm writing it, or because I just don't like the truth of it. Either way... wow I'm sleepy.

Jesus Peace

My First Shot Was a Skyhook

2006-06-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

I had totally forgotten... I was talking to a friend about basketball the other day, and we started talking about playing as kids. And the cat told me he could picture me like one of the players in the 70's, with my afro and all. And then it hit me: when I was little, I used to shoot with a skyhook!

I remember it was hard to shoot threes when we were that young, but with a skyhook I could catapult the ball where I needed it to go. And you know what? I used to sink em a fair percentage of the time! How about that...

Not only that, but the skyhook was convenient because I wasn't a natural ball-handler; come to think of it my position was more like a center. In recent years, I've been more of a shooting guard; 'prolly shoulda stuck with centering (if I even knew what a "center" was back then, lol).

Ya know though, I like the imagery of it. The skyhook is so traditional and old school. And with me having my fro back, shoot, I kinda feel like taking another stab at it. I can still feel that curl in my right hand; I think I can still make itB-J

One for the Gamers: Tekken Takes the Crown

2006-05-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've had a good debate to resolve, but I finally got to solve one recently. In the gaming world for a while, there was a debate as to which 3D fighter was better: Tekken 5 or Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution. Well, I finally got to play both games the other day, and I must admit I've wrestled with the resolution for some time now. But as I was driving today I was finally able to solve the debate. Here is my reasoning (and yes, I'm making a big deal about video games; and you're still gonna sit here and read this, isn't it amazing? lol)

In order to resolve the debate, I realized that I would hafta introduce a third game to create a "full spectrum", as between the two games one important element is not prevalent enough to make the overall case for either. The missing game is Dead or Alive 4, and the missing element is graphics. SO, now the debate becomes which is the best game out of Tekken 5, Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution, and Dead or Alive 4.

It's really very simple to break this down. I'm going to word-associate each game to give a clear picture: Virtua Fighter=combat; Dead or Alive=graphics; Tekken=balance. If you were to ask me which game has the best fighting of the three, I would answer with Virtua Fighter. Virtua Fighter has over-the-top, yet realistic martial arts action. The moves are, though difficult to pull off and a lot to remember, very smooth, very effective, and very entertaining to watch with fairly realistic lag time. One thing I particularly like about Virtua Fighter is that the moves don't instantly knock the characters down or create many juggling opportunities, making it very close to realtime fighting.

Tekken's fighting system is a lot less exciting, though it's solid with very logical control, and when two fighters who truly know the game mix it up, it's VERY entertaining. The timing is also excellent; Tekken's fighting system majors in all the minors, but doesn't quite major in all the majors like Virtua fighter. The most unrealistic element of Tekken's fighting is the juggle-ability of characters.

Dead or Alive's fighting system makes for beautiful animation, but THAT'S IT. The lag time is unrealistic; the strikes land as if the characters are made of paper. And many of the moves are unrealistically powerful. Why? To make it easier to knock characters off of balconies and through windows. It's strictly a thrill ride, fabricated to be eye-candy. And on that note...

Dead or Alive has the most awesomest (<---made that up) graphics of all three easily. I'm not a fan of the game, but I play it just to see the endings and the collapseable stages. Not to mention the female eye-candy and all. And even though the moves look fake, they're entertaining to watch.

Tekken has smooth graphics, but they're not nearly as over-the-top as Dead or Alive. However, if you pay attention the graphics are stunningly detailed, instead of the bright colors and clear, blunt objects that give Dead or Alive an almost cartoony feel. The stages are drab, but very detailed and well rendered; the characters look great, but not very catchy.

Virtua Fighter is a disappointment graphically. Though it has its good points, the artists did a bad job at rendering the characters; the faces on some look almost tacked onto the heads. The stages look like they were made for the earlier Sega Saturn. Yet, the lack of graphics is almost admirable for a Sega fan who misses the original Virtua Fighter games.

So you notice, in beauty and fighting, VF and DOA each sit at extremities, being great in one area and poor in the other. But Tekken sits at just above average in both areas. Kinda reminds me of a particular Street Fighter of whom I'm very fond...

So this is my judgment on the great debate. The nominees are: Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution, Tekken 5, and Dead or Alive 4.

Best Combat in a 3-D Fighting Game - Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution
If you're looking for a fight, this game can keep you up all night. And it'll take you quite some time to master allll those moves.

Best Graphics in a 3-D Fighting Game - Dead or Alive 4
If it's eye candy you want, you'll suffer a weak, exaggerated fighting system just to see the stages collapse and the movies you can unlock as you beat the game. Not to mention... the women.

Best 3-D Fighting Game Overall - Tekken 5
The name of the game is balance. Tekken does not have the best combat, but it does have above average combat and great control. It doesn't have the most catchy graphics, but it has smooth, detailed renders and solid animation. It will not overwhelm you either way, but it will more than satisfy you in both beauty and fighting. Thus, Tekken is the best 3-D fighter because it is the most complete 3-D fighter.

Sometimes it pays to be reasonable instead of over the top. Balance wins the day.

Jesus PeaceB-J

A Warm Welcome to Geo-Chrome

2006-05-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

I was about to write about something fun, but I had to get this off my chest first. It won't take me long at all, folks; I'ma slang it atcha like dis... ACtually no, I got a better idea. I'm bout to lay down a few rules:

1. If she ain't yo wife, DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY.

2. If she ain't even yo GIRLFRIEND, ESPECIALLY DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY. A good friend does NOT make one a mate. Be serious: that would mean that EVERY GIRL YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH IS UNAVAILABLE. What are you, practicing for polygamy? It don't roll like that playas...

3. If she IS your wife, DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY. I mean JEEZ, if the relationship is deep enough for you to get married, it should at LEAST be deep enough for you to have some trust in her, MY GOODNESS...

4. If she IS your girlfriend, DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY. You're not official until a ring is on her finger, and she has the right to explore if she feels she might be in the wrong relationship. DEAL WITH IT; if your love is the truth, she'll stick with you. But HALF of ya'll don't even know what love is, so UNCUFF PLZ.

5. GENERALLY SPEAKING, DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY. WIFE, GIRLFRIEND, FRIEND, ASSOCIATE---IF SHE BELONGS WITH YOU, SHE'LL BE THERE OF HER OWN VOLITION. 'The hegg is up with all these insecure cats?...

...I had to write this because right now there is a cat on his way to my dimension, Geo-Chrome (do some OutKast research, you'll decipher it). I've seen the cat strongarm a particular ladyfriend of mine, being verbally aggressive at her and firing shots at her about me. The thing is, this cat isn't even WITH her! Now, I could avoid a situation and all, and hopefully I will. But doggone-it if right ain't right and wrong ain't wrong---DUDE, YOU DO NOT OWN HER! I wasn't even trying to get at her like that! But YOU and your INSECURITY and MISGUIDED VIEWS led you to talk all that NONSENSE, and the young lady just stood by and allowed it. I don't like dat hombre...

I don't know how you feel about me, and I really don't care frankly; I'm honored that you feel so threatened over someone you're not even WITH. But lemme give you some advice---and I know I've said this before---SLAVERY BEEN DONE. YOU DON'T OWN ANYBODY. EVEN IF YOU WERE WITH HER, YOU DON'T OWN ANYBODY. AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH WHOMEVER YOU END UP WITH IS GONNA BE HELLA SCREWED-UP IF YOU GO IN WITH THAT SCREWED-UP MENTALITY. IF YOU DON'T TAKE ANYTHING I'VE SAID TO YOU SERIOUSLY, TAKE THAT!

And as far as where it goes from here, if you're a wise man, we can go back to that "pretend you like me" deal we had before, only this time you don't hafta pretend. Or we can be rivals over someone that 1) doesn't belong to you and 2) I'm not even trying to get with beyond a good friendship! The choice iz yours, show me how big a fool you are. Welcome to Geo-Chrome!

PeaceB-/

Love in 5 Dimensions: The Cross Examination

2006-05-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

As earlier stated, this blog is the cross-examination of the 5 love songs selected by Doc on B.L.O.G. His five choices are: Roberta Flack - "Feel Like Making Love"; Luther Vandross/Cheryl Lynn - "If This World Were Mine"; Kem - "I Can't Stop Loving You"; Raheem DeVaughn - "You"; Jeffrey Osbourne - "Love Ballad".

Roberta Flack - "Feel Like Making Love"
To be honest, I didn't hafta hear this song to know it was dope. The first time I actually heard this song was actually as a sample. I listen to some house music, and I copped this album from the UK by this cat Junior Jack. He had several dope songs on the album, but the one that made me say "I'm gonna buy this" is a song called "Luv 2 U", where a voice chimes what sounds like, "next time... I feel like making love... to you..." And a guitar bends out a sweet melody with a simple, charming bassline riding beneath it. It was the kinda song you could take a long drive to with the one you love resting her head on your shoulder. One day I played the song for my homeboy Swim and Swim said "Dag, he used that Roberta Flack sample!" "Robert Flack?" I answered. And, as it often goes with old school music that's sampled, I've liked the original song ever since.

Luther Vandross/Cheryl Lynn - "If This World Were Mine"
I like this song because of the honesty, despite the lofty theme. So often in love we hear the, "I'll taked you around the world/I'll buy you X, Y, and Z/We'll live in a A,B, etc.". This song is a great song because of one word: if. It's a song where lovers talk about what they want for their love interest, but also realize they're only human and we can't have all that we want. Still, it's beautiful and romantic to tell your companion what you would do for him/her if you had the power, just to let them know that you could never express your deepest, truest feelings for that person in such a lowly form as the ordinary man/woman.

Kem - "I Can't Stop Loving You"
I heard this song once and I didn't really notice it except it was kinda relaxing. Then I heard the song 8 times in one day on a trip to North Carolina, and by the time I got back home, I HAD TO HAVE IT. It was SO well executed by the singer, Kem. His vocal talents are to be admired. There's a particular part on the song where he ad libs, "no matter how hard I try", and I DECLARE HIS VOICE IMITATES A SAXOPHONE! It's so amazing. The song is about a relationship that almost fails except the main character can't let go of his love. I imagine it's either a very long-term relationship or a marriage, possibly a divorce because Kem says, "I think about the love we have for our children". That implies a lot of time invested into the relationship to have more than one child mentioned. And I like how it sounds as if the protagonist doesn't even understand his own attachment to his spouse. And I love how quietly he says "and I don't know why". Honestly, this is one of the few songs I play and put on repeat and could listen to for hours.

Raheem DeVaughn - "You"
This is a VERY talented cat. I knew it when in his first video he stepped out of a car with Ginuwine, walks into a room with his peeps and says "Ya'll need to get on this Kenny Gonzalez". I'm glad anotha brotha out there knows sum'n bout some Kenny Dope Gonzalez (shout to M.A.W.!) The first song I heard him on was "Guess Who Loves You More". At first I thought it was an old school song because I don't hear a lot of dudes sing in higher notes like that anymore. Then he really impressed me with his ad libbing toward the end of the song; it almost sounded like he was gonna create a new song within the song from the libs! lol. Then he really REALLY impressed me when he chimed down the scales singing "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never"; his range is CRAZY.

So now he has a new song out called "You"... The beat is LOVELY (a liiiittle heavy on the snare). The song itself is dope; vocally he didn't let me down at all, lyrically pretty tight. What I love most about this song is the video. That's the one thing I wish was different in the song: I wish he had incorporated the themes from his video into his song. In the video he shows women from all walks of life, and he associates uplifting words too them: inspired, fearless, brave, beautiful, etc. My favorite part is where he shows three girls in the street together with somewhat angry appearances on their faces; I'm gonna borrow a term I don't care much for and say that "hoodrats" comes to mind. But then, instead of something bad like "scorned" or something like that, the word "loyal" comes across the screen. I LOVE that part. The song is meant to be an anthem to women, but I feel that the real anthem is the video and my only grievance is that the song should've incorporated more of those themes.

Jeffrey Osbourne - "Love Ballad"
This song is just so great. The title is fitting, that's all I need to say really. I love how the instruments come in, especially the strings and the horns. To me, it reminds me of the ending theme to a wonderful story. And I love Jeffrey Osbourne's voice; it has the sound of strength and that strength permeates "Love Ballad" to resonate with the strength of love. But my favorite part, and I think Doc mentioned this too, is at the end when he continues to repeat "And what we have is much more than they could see... What we have is much more than they could see..." It's so stirring, not to be sacrilegious (but if it's true love, can there really BE sacrilege ...) but it kinda reminds me of when sometimes the spirit hits you in church. And it makes me think, "This is what God meant love to be; not in content because the song lyrically doesn't go extremely indepth into what love is. But the FEEL of it; it FEELS like love." Definitely will always be a classic.

So there's my cross-examination. I'm gonna... go play these 10 songs now, lol...

My World, Uncollided

2006-05-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

This is my world. I sit upon a planet composed of my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings, my accomplishments, my disappointments. That's my gravity, what keeps me from drifting aimlessly. It's a small world, but more than sufficient. Only thing is, it's a little lonely.

So I sit here, opposite the sun so that I can see the stars and other worlds out there; I just watch, knowing I can't leave my world. And every now and then, another world wanders by me. Sometimes it's beautiful, and I stand to get a better look. And I see someone there, and she sees me too.

I extend my hand, partly to greet her with a wave, partly to reach to her. But the separation is too great; I can only brush her fingertips. The separation is always different: sometimes, it's values; sometimes it's background; sometimes it's race; sometimes it's class; sometimes it's religion; sometimes it's distance; sometimes it's baggage; sometimes it's... another world in her life.

Still, we tend to orbit each other. Maybe as friends; maybe as two worlds hoping our trajectories will eventually lead us to collide with each other. But it never fails: eventually we both sprawl back over our respective worlds and pass each other by, wondering what in the sun's plan prevents us from letting our worlds make contact. Still... the view is beautiful.

There It Is!!! lock and load

2006-05-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

Big shout out to my lil homie JRid overseas. About an hour or so ago he and I were having a discussion about the deterioration of the family and I was telling him how important it was to keep Jesus at the forefront and to plan his family such that he can provide both material things and time. And somehow he ended up bringing up the Serenity Prayer...

That use to be my prayer! Suddenly mind flashed back to 1995. The first time I heard that prayer was on the Goodie Mob's "Soul Food" album. I remember after I heard it, my church at the time had designed the programs with the Serenity Prayer on the front (and St. Francis of Assisi written beneath the prayer); I took mine and tacked it to my wall right next to my bed. It remained there until I moved into our new house.

That prayer... "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." I remember feeling like that was where most people stopped; the complacency of the people around me used to eat at me like a slow-burning acid. But then came my favorite part: "Courage to change the things I can..." It felt good to hear the Goodie Mob talk about courage and change. I was determined to use my life to make things better around me, and every time I heard that part, I knew somewhere in GA there were four other brothas who intended to do the same and I wasn't alone. "Wisdom to know the difference..." The thing that brought it all together: the spirit of discernment. With that, I wouldn't hafta fear "going too far" or "holding on too tight" or "lost causes"; I trusted that God would find a way to lead me to and away from where I needed to be.

And now I remember: that's what used to be on my mind when I would approach the microphone. I went to the mic knowing this was a chance for me to change something. Sure, on the larger scale, I couldn't change a thing without God's say so. But the courage to make the attempt surely would yield something. And I spit believing, like a sledgehammer to a boulder determined to reduce it to rubble, no matter how many strikes it took.

"I'll be held accountable for the light I could have shed..." An excerpt from a verse spoken by Cee Lo Green on a song he was featured on. When I would rap, I thought about who I would be accountable for if I didn't give my maximum effort with every line of every verse. As of recent, I had become a bit more complacent, realizing that it's not up to me to determine the fate of another. But you know what?... That's how I want it to be, lol. Friends told me that I put too much on myself, but I think that's what I'm here for. The stress, the burden, the pressure... that's what made me spit that way.

I can see that program next to my bed so vividly in my mind; the page was burgandy, the writing was beige, there were folded hands behind the words. And just like that, I feel like that piece of me has returned. If I were into tattooes I'd get the Serenity Prayer tattooed on me, maybe over my heart, maybe across the top of my back. For now, I'll just be satisfied to leave it at the end of this blog the way I heard it on the "Soul Food" album:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Ahhhh..."

Jesus PeaceB-J

The Heck Did I Put My Gun...

2006-05-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a long journey through this life. I've gone through so many changes, many of which the people around me will never know. Doesn't change the fact though.

I was happy when I was ignorant. Then I got some sense; sense that I kept to myself because they said I was too young to "understand anything". Thing is, nothing changed as I got older, and I fell into depression from the disappointment. Then I came out of that depression, but I came out with my gun drawn.

Thought I was gonna be okay with that, and maybe I would have. But then I went off to college, an entire year to myself. And with help, I was able to get past anger back to a sense of content. Been there for a while now.

But you know, I listen to the music I did when I was younger and the music I do now. It's pretty much the same material, though much more advanced. Still... well, I'll put it as my homie Joe put it. I let him hear my old tracks, and he said, "'Joints are TOUGH man." I think they are too. And even though I'm a better MC now, I don't feel that same toughness.

So what's the missing ingredient? I call myself a master of rhyme now, I got the lyrical skill to appeal to anybody from any style of rap. I say I've got the breathing down pat, vocals come thru nice and clear. What's missing?

As I listened and reflected, the answer was simple: I'm not mad anymore. Yes, I still care about the things around me very much. Yes I still get perturbed when people talk about things they know good and well they aren't doing anything to fix anyway. Yes, I still feel like I hold solutions and healing words. But I don't scoul and seethe over it anymore; I don't run people off with cynical words; I don't burn at myself the same way when I mess up.

More and more I ask myself why. Why did this take so long... Why not when I was angry and driven... I didn't plan on being an old man trying to convince younger people that "I can relate"; I wanted to be right there with them so they could see for themselves. Bah...

I'm tempted to lose faith in my own cause (and please, don't anybody respond to this with the usual "be strong" and "I'm surprised to hear this from you" and such---I'm venting to get my own thoughts in order). In light of it all, I WANT to be angry, just to push forward a little longer. But Lord (cuz I know You're probably seeing this) I'm not looking for a "be careful what you wish for" situation where somebody close to me suffers something terrible and I get my anger back from it; just checking.

I can't get past it... Why have such good intentions and be so fervent only to burn out here? I saw this young activist up in Canada, and she's making moves and working toward change. That's all I ever wanted to do, and yet I'm winded. Maybe I'm in the process of an "against all odds" story, but I don't really care about beating the odds: I want results. I figure results are what people are most in need of, not inspirational stories.

smh... I'm sorry. That's just how I'm feeling at the moment. I put my gun, my anger down a long time ago hoping it was for the better. Now I feel weak. Even though I'm more mature, it's that immature passion and angst that I'm missing right now. So either I'm gonna find my old gun, or try a new one. And it better have a heck of a kickback.

PTI: BAD PARENTING MAKES MYSPACE DANGEROUS

2006-05-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

Pardon the interruption peeps. We'll get back to Romancexpress after this important message from our sponsor:
I'm not gonna hold you long: the bottom line is BAD PARENTING MAKES MYSPACE DANGEROUS. So instead of trying to shut down MySpace, HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE THESE PARENTS TO COURT FOR CHILD NEGLECT!! Just like a gun in the home, MySpace can only be what it is allowed to be. If your child gets drugs by MySpace, that's terrible... WHERE'S THE PARENT?!?!?!?! If your child leaves your home and gets raped looking for someone they met on MySpace, that's terrible... WHERE'S THE PARENT?!?!?!?!?! What kinda parent is so clueless as to the whereabouts and ongoings of their child so that their child can get drugs without their knowing? Leave home and go to the mall without their knowing? Build weapons and take them to school without their knowing? It's time for this to STOP!

MySpace is as much a tool for responsible adults all over the world as it is a threat to unknowing children whose parents are slipminded enough to get internet service and leave their kids unsupervised with it! And GETTING RID OF MYSPACE WILL NOT FIX THE PROBLEM; it will only cover it up until a new problem arises. You wanna FIX THE PROBLEM? MAKE THE PARENTS GET ON THEIR JOBS!!! And don't make those who use MySpace responsibly suffer for the lack of responsibility of others!

And parents, if you love your children, then there is no excuse; IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF PARENTHOOD, DON'T HAVE KIDS!! PROPER PLANNING PREVENTS PISS-POOR PERFORMANCE!!!

This very moment I'm on a Net campaign to stop this from going one step further. If you're with me, tack your name on this and pass it to your network!

Matthew Williams

Love: The Fifth Dimension

2006-05-21T23:20:00.000-07:00

lol... I don't like the title. We'll work on that...

In conjunction with Doc Makin and his blogsite BlackLoveOneGrowth, I present to you "Love: The Fifth Dimension". Here's the premise: Doc and I each decided to choose 5 love songs each that we prefer and write about what makes them special to us. And if I understand correctly, the next blogs we'll switch our lineups and give cross-examination to the songs. Should be fun, and you know I got a crush on somebody pretty much all the time so it's always timelyB-J.

So so... lol, First lemme say, I was a bit jealous at Doc's lineup, as he picked several of my favorite love songs of the moment. But then I thought, there's enough love songs out there to last from the honeymoon to the Heavens. So I dug in the crate and found quite a lineup of my own:

1) Anita Baker - Just Because
2) Luther Vandross - Here and Now
3) The Emotions - Don't Ask My Neighbors
4) New Edition - Can You Stand the Rain
5) Jagged Edge - What's It Like to Be In Love

I'm anxious to talk about these, so let's get to it.

Anita Baker - "Just Because"
This song has always been a favorite of mine, even before I really had or understood emotions and feelings such as love. Even as a boy running wild, there was just something about someone telling you they love you "just because". It's a love you don't hafta look for or worry about being there for you. It's a love that allows you do be yourself; a love that WANTS you to be yourself and APPRECIATES the simple fact that you are who you are. I know it's a love song about the relationship between a man and a woman, but I've felt that love from a mother, I've seen that love between good friends, and I've known that love from God Himself. Anita may not have meant all that, but that's what the song means to me in so many dimensions.

Luther Vandross - "Here and Now"
Aw man... Yo, on the real, I wanna get married to this song; I've planned on it for some years now. This is THE marriage song. "Here and now, I promise to love faithfully... Here and now, I vow to be one with thee." There isn't much to be said here really; the concept is so plain and pure, the vocalist so perfected in his craft... When I think of it, this is the song I want played when I decide to take a woman to be with me and love with me for the rest of my life. The beauty of the song is the beauty of a love like that. Simple and clean.

The Emotions - "Don't Ask My Neighbors"
Oh man, Doc and I talked about this one for a LONG time, lol. Yes, it's a beautiful song. But more importantly it's SO REAL. So often in relationships, when there's a problem we go to everybody but the person we need to talk to, being our significant other. We talk to friends, family, strangers, therapists... ANYBODY but that person. What are we afraid of? It's hard to say. But then in the song the Emotions sing, "Come to me; you'll find I love you! Come to me...", and alleviate those fears we have. It's an sweet song with an enchanting feeling that offers comfort that some of us men desperately seek in dealing with significant others.

New Edition - "Can You Stand the Rain"
lol, it's funny this song came to mind. I taught my Sunday School class today about love, lust and friendship, and part of the discussion was about what authenticates love. You see, and I've probably said this in a blog before, you never know how strong a love is until it's tested. This song speak directly to a love on trial. And I love how the song is done because it compares fairweather love to love in a storm. But in the midst of the torrents, Ricky cleverly ad libs "no pressure, no pressure", pointing to the honesty element; when love is tried, it is better for lovers to separate than to pressure each other into false commitment. As I taught my kids, the trial is such a crucial aspect of a true love, and this song so fittingly makes it apparent.

Jagged Edge - "What's It Like to Be in Love"
I'm gonna call this song my sleeper: the one nobody expected. I'm gonna tell you why I like this song... Jagged Edge iz a pretty decent group; not great, but consistent. But this one particular song is so significant because it is a commentary on the current state of love in the current generation. You see, if you look around, you'll find that most cats nowadays really don't know what true love is; they know what they think it is and what they've been told, but they really don't know. Most singers and groups pretend as if they have love figured out, but what they truly have is lust and they try to pass it off as love. This is the first time I heard a song from the current generation that was brutally honest about things. The chorus goes: "What's it like to be in love; that's all a n!gga thinking of/ and I was just wondering will love ever know me/'Cuz my heart is open, and i've been hopin/to find what it is everybody keeps on talkin' bout/". Now THAT's truth. These are some young men who have come to the point of realizing that what they thought was love was not love, and they want to know what true love is. And it gives me hope when I hear the song: there are a few cats out there who realize that, to our generation, true love is an unexplored frontier.

So that's my 5 peeps. Don't get me wrong, they're not necessarily my 5 favorite love songs. But they're 5 of the most significant love songs I know, 5 that really capture love in 5 dimensions.

Love in 5 Dimensions... THAT's what I shoulda called this one! I'll use that title for the cross examination, lol.

Jesus Peace

So I'm Here Again...

2006-05-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

Remember, reflect, reminisce, rehash, recall, recollect, recognize. We all do it, some more than others, but we all think back about the things that once were. Some manage to put their past behind them; others like myself tend to be nostalgic about it and keep it as a private treasure; and some loathe and despise what they've been through.

Most people believe that familiar saying "what's past is past/ what's passed is passed/ what's past is passed/ what's passed is past" (betcha never thought of it like that huh! that's what happens when you rhyme all the time, lol). I for one am a proponent of the past never truly ceasing to exist. Whether it be a childhood trauma that embeds a very present fear in you, or a past/passed victory that you draw upon for strength; the moment leaves you, but the past doesn't.

Now, the key is you control how much influence you allow the past to have over you. Because regardless of your past, every moment comes down to decisions. Granted, not every individual is strong enough to master this influence. But for those who can, the past becomes only what the person allows it to be, and that's a wonderful thing.

Then there's the fun thing about the past; when the past comes into the present to add some spice to your life. I'm in that situation right now, where someone with whom I've had no contact for going on 6 years all of a sudden is closer to me than they probably even realize. Thing is, last time we talked, things were awkward, and I have no idea how the person feels about me, nor do I think she (yup, she) knows how I feel about her; heck, actually I don't even know how I feel about her. But it's cheeky isn't it?

So how do I handle the situation. Jigabod's better judgment (you might call him Battlecataclysmic) says, "NO YOU IDIOT, NOT THIS AGAIN! HOW MANY TIMES YOU GOTTA GET KNOCKED WOOZIE BEFORE YOU STAY THE HECK DOWN! YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT, BEGGING FOR IT! I'M NOT GONNA HELP YOU IF YOU GO THRU WITH IT!" The more adventurous (naive) side says, "Hmm... HMMM... HMMM... But hmm..."

I think its the thrill of it peeps; either that or I'm masochistic or something. ...Actually, you know what I think it is? Closure. I think I don't like having lingering thoughts. Remember the "What If" post from near the beginning of Romancexpress? Well, this is presenting itself as a possible opportunity to snuff a lingering "what if". And I think I want to know, but at the same time, if it's not favorable, I don't want to know. But on the other hand, I'm not sure what I would consider "not favorable".

So, to sum it all up, I'm excited: anxiously anticipating, but cautiously closing in. In the meantime, the most important thing is that I try to lock down my feelings and decide if I wanna pursue this or not; it's kinda hard to respond decisively when you have mixed emotions.

So the past returns to the present; I'm here again. It's beautiful, it's welcome and familiar, but it's mysterious and strange, and it's definitely foreboding. And so is she.

Jesus Peace

Nah... Nah-nah-nah...

2006-05-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

You know, my counselor quickly identified me as the "compliant child" in my family. I mean, it's obvious, nothing new, but I've really been giving that some thought...

In the last few days to weeks, I've been doing more "non-compliance", and the backlash has been incredible. Cats that usually maintain mutual respect, all of a sudden it's like they think they own me or something. I was being hospitable before, but guess what: that same respect I expected then, I expect now. Just because I don't take orders from cats, cats act like they wanna put me "back in line"? Nah... Nah-nah-nah, slavery BEEN done...

Man, I can't believe it; it's like, I'm actually paranoid, wondering if I'm delusional or something people! I think to myself, "There's no way all these people could be snapping on me at once on some 'my way or the highway' tip; not after all the times I let them run over me over the years. ARe you SeRiouS?! I didn't owe you explanations then, I gave them freely. If I'm not causing harm to anybody, DO NOT cross me like that!" I mean, could you picture cats getting mad at me for choices I make that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM? It's like you getting mad at me because I had an orange for lunch and not an apple, and you had nothing to do with me obtaining either one, just picture that PICTURE THAT.

...I wish I could get a tattoo or something: "Before I bow down to ANYBODY, I will fight EVERYBODY." I know it sounds harsh and extreme, but the more I think about it the STUPIDER it seems! See, at this point you should be thinking to yourself, "the man has a right to feel how he feels." If you're thinking, "oh he's out of line," then you might be one of the cats I'm tambout! "Out of line"?! What kinda sh!t is that?!! Like I'm in a unit or a team or something!

Don't get me wrong folks; I love working with others. But that's strictly bizness. Whether or not I feel like talking to you one day, that's my bizness. Personal relationships I gain or lose, my bizness. The direction of my life, my bizness. Long as I'm not doing harm (and by harm, I mean lasting physical/emotional damage) to anybody, then nobody should have anything to say about it 'less I ASK for it. And if I'm hurting anybody emotionally, then I suggest you say so and stop beating around the bush!t...

^^^I'm still looking at this like I'm paranoid or something, and that's sad. I'm so compliant that when I get mad I question if I have grounds for it. Bogus huh?...

P.S. - Contrary to the vibe of the above writings, I actually had a decent birthday today. Special thanx to the ladies and gents that hit me on Facebook and otherwise and to Brandy; it really meant a lot that you read my blog. You're the reason I'm not REALLY mad right now, lol...

Unblocked...

2006-05-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

LET IT BREATHE!!! HA!

And just like that ladies and gentlemen, I went from a flustered standstill to an OVERFLOW. From the time we last talked until this very moment, I've drawn so many bars and verses that my head is spinning.

I had a notion to create a mixtape; not an actual album, but a rough group of several songs. The general idea is my alter ego, Battlecataclysmic, spitting raw rhymes with a fighter's theme. And a big shout to the homie Doc from B.L.O.G.; I decided to call it "Dead Art" after he quoted "rap is dead" to me.

Since the direction is so vague, I've been writing with NO LIMITS. It's like I've found a sweet spot between freestyle battle rhyming and perfected verses and I've been CUTTING LYRICS ALL DAY. It's not my best work, but I guarantee you'll never be able to tell; I simply substituted cunning technique for some of the substance. And one thing I learned: if you're rhymes are random, simply compensate with random titles and it's all good. Lesson learned from observations of greatness (namely OutKast and the Simpsons, lol)

Of course, after while I started getting a bit overwhelmed; I was writing for like 5-7 hours. So I took a break... only to find myself in deep conversation with one of the people responsible for my rhyming skills, lol (shout to High Kill) It was about the role of men in society and what it's gonna take to rebuild relationships. The discussion came about from my introducing the concept of Jigabod's album, "Apology"... not now, I'll go into detail about it another time, lol.

So I jumped on my soapbox for the first time in a few months, lol. The writing just wouldn't stop.

But then the icing on the cake, birthday cake that is. Shout to my special friend "Kish" on her 22nd B-Day. She requested a poem and I was happy to oblige. THE WRITING JUST WOULD NOT STOP, lol. But she was mad appreciative, and that really made my day... and made me wanna write summore.

So here I am recording the exploits. And guess what I'm gonna do after I leave here... WRITE SUMMORE!!!

Jesus Peace B-J

Blocked

2006-05-07T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm sorry. Don't mean to leave ya'll hanging like this. I haven't forgotten about the blog and all; believe it or not, I've had about 8-10 good ideas for blogs, and I even started writing most of them when I thought em up. But then, I just deleted em. I would write maybe a paragraph and then I'd just lose my appetite, and "poof".

I have no idea what's going on. I'm trying to get focused, but I still feel a lot of outside pressures knocking me off-center. I'm off work for a while to get totally freed up; hopefully I won't spend that time freeing myself from new obligations. I'm desperate to get things going just so I can silence cats. That's how it always is with me: the results of my actions always do more to defend me than my explanations. So it's best I get cracking.

The problem is, I'm still not sure exactly what I'm doing. I've got five books in my room behind me right now:

1) The Music Business: Career Opportunities and Self-Defense
2) Iacocca: An Autobiography
3) Launching New Ventures: An Entrepreneurial Approach
4) Winning Grants Step by Step
5) Grant Writing: Strategies for Developing Winning Proposals

In my mind, I'm contemplating:

1) Completing two albums, which was my first goal. The albums are Battlecataclysmic - "Gargoyle" and Jigabod - "Apology". I want these completed because my number-one priority is putting a buzz in people's ears to help them along and turn whoever I can back to God. That's all I was ever in it for.

2) Finding a way to profit from serving others. And DON'T MISREAD THIS, I'm not saying I'm in this for money; I sincerely want to help people and if I could I'd do it all for free. But truth be told, as long as I'm not getting any income from it, I'll always hafta have some other distraction of a job on the side that will prevent me from doing all that I can with my music and with helping others. So if I can find a way of helping others and making music that pays, then I can go with it full-time, which is much more preferable.

3) Networking. I realize I don't have all the know-how, nor do I have all the resources, nor am I aware of all the opportunities available to me. So I'm networking with people from locals to unknowns to fairly well-known celebs to create a network for myself. Ideally, I would like to find people who trust what I'm about; people willing to give me the benefit of the doubt instead of hassling me until I'm dumbfounded. It's been a long journey and I'm tired; I'm not here to butt heads. But if it takes butting heads, then I can be a goat about it too. <----Okay, I'm a little tense, yes. Bare with me.

I've got three weeks before I go back to the grind. I plan to work day and night every day for those three weeks. I'll probably do some job-hunting as well in case I don't have a breakthru in those three; hopefully I can find something I can take up that will better suit me and better pay me. You never know.

Oh yeah... then there's the pressure issue. Pretty soon, I get the feeling my pops is gonna leave the bills to me. But ladies and gents, I'm not exactly living in a small apartment here. I'm talking HOUSE payments. Nothing gratis, every expense left to me. And on a full-house scale. How dope is that, eh? So there's even more pressure on me to work more and leave less time for me and my exploits to advance my vision. So right now, I'm kinda on a "fie on how anybody else feels about it" tip right now, simply cuz I have no time for it. You understand right...

Anywasy, regrettably I missed church today. But I'm making up in my mind right now that next Sunday I will be there, and I'im going to try never to miss a Sunday, like it used to be. Meantime, I got 6 days to get busy. So enough talk; gotta get to some REAL work.

Jesus Peace

(yawn) The Great Qi Mystery Continues

2006-04-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

I TOLD YOU TO THINK FAST....

This iz a quickie though, cuz, amidst all that was going on this week... I LOST A LOT OF SLEEP, lol. But sleeping put me back on the trail. Ya see, I have a hunch...

Why do you yawn when you get sleepy? Why do you yawn when you see other people yawn? I admit I haven't done my research; there may be a practical reason. Here's MY unrefined, unsupported theory...

They say that qi is a combination of energy ingested from the food we eat and from the air we breathe. Yawning is a strange type of breathing that happens when we're tired right? I wouldn't be surprised if yawning was actually a process of discarding energy in exhalations. Or maybe not discarding energy, but inhaling a rush of new energy?

So what's the next step? Let's see if I can find any research on yawning to see what the listed purpose is SUPPOSED to be, lol. Brb

Jesus Peace

Totally Unrelated, But I Love the Implications...

2006-04-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

O...kay... I wouldn't call this a blog, but when it's over with you will, so heyB-P.

It's been quite a week. Nevertheless I should warn you, right after I recapture the events of the week, I'm gonna overlap this post with a Qi Mystery update, lol.

...WEll, I planned on writing a blog on Monday; procrastinated, lol. But it paid off cuz now you get to spend a week with Jigabod. My homeboy Doc frum BlackLoveOneGrowth came thru Tuesday and I decided to take him to my fav Mom and Pop's shop, La Casa Latina, to get... THA DGGJGB!!! So we get there, and make friendly with the shopkeeper. As I'm purchasing my DGGJGB!!! the shopkeeper and I chatted a little. And he told me the funniest thing. He told me that there's a preacher who comes by and buys caseloads of DGGJGB to drink after his sermons; it helps his throat recover. HMMMM... ISN'T THAT SOMETHING? DGGJGB, the drink of preachers??? ...I love the implications, lol.

Then, on a totally unrelated subject, somewhere between Tues and Wednesday the unthinkable happened. A rap forum I had been sharpening my skills on, Rapn4FX, was taken down due to personal difficulties. Now, ordinarily this would be a terrible thing... Did I ever tell you about the first site I was ever on, "Stankonia.com"? Well... GUESS WHO'S COMING HOME... WITH COMPANY...B-J

I love the implications.

So, on a totally unrelated topic, the plan was to give a speech at an Honor's Day ceremony dedicated to my mother on Thursday. Couldn't go up there lookin harsh right? So I decides to shtop by the Barbershop and get my all natural shaped up. I've known my barber, Kel, for SOOO LONG. He was my barber as early as 4th or 5th grade; I just lost the pick I got from him back when I had a flat top a few weeks ago, lol. Anywasy, how blessed is this: I get there and no one's in the chair or waiting on it! I was up as soon as I was in. As we caught up and talked work and business, he told me something that really hit me: "Matt, I don't see you as the type of cat to work under other people. You're like the type of cat to run your own business." WAS THAT A HEAVEN SENT?! I REALLY NEEDED THAT.

I LOVE the implications.

The next day (it's Thursday now) I'm at the Honor's Ceremony. All I could think about on my way was, "You don't wanna give a second eulogy Matt, lol". My suit didn't look right to me when I left the house; when I can afford it, I'm gonna get some custom made ones. Anywasy, I arrived (my aunt was there too, the Hillsinger one, lol) As I sat, I was nervous about the whole thing; not that I mind speaking at all, but nobody told me exactly how long I had, or how I was to present the award. By the way, the award was a scholarship named in honor of my mother; in case I never told you, she was a teacher for 25 years. I'm getting ahead of myself... the bottom line was this. Before things got too far under way, singers from the school blessed the audience with accappella rendition of "Take My Hand Precious Lord". Didn't think I'd be shedding any tears when I got there, but I couldn't help myself... Remember me telling you how gospel messes me up since mom passed? That was real slick ya'll :'-( But... the thing is, I didn't think I'd be doing anymore crying after the funeral phase. Looks like my tear glands are definitely back online after all these years.

I'm not used to crying, but I love the implications.

But heeeere was the clencher (totally unrelated). The old guy that watches out for me at my job; one of my closest coworkers. At each other's throats?! I'm tambout, I heard a " we can take this out in the parking lot!!!" in the midst of all this. I tried to calm my homeboy down, but it wasn't happening: might be an NY thing. Anywasy, he ended up leaving, and a few hours later the old guy left too. So methinks... them boyz ain comin back tonight. And word has it, we've got a BIG job to do. "I don't like the look of it..." Not to mention the tension when they finally do come back. Still, it was all surrounding a weak link in the chain of command. And one thing I admire about my homeboy iz he's so bluntly honest and unafraid to be vocal with it; even if sometimes he does it the wrong way.

Or IS IT the wrong way? Who knows; but I love the implications. In a department store with a shady chain of command, it's nice that there are cats who aren't afraid to make a little ruckus if necessary.

Dag... this turned out to be a pretty good one I guess. Too bad I gotta follow it up so quickly.

THINK FAST...B-J

The Face of Grace

2006-04-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

Grace... one of those words people use and don't even know the definition of, lol. When people say "graceful", they can't give you an exact definition; they just know it's a good thing. When people sit down to eat, they always ask somebody to "say grace"; another vague usage.

Then you got my fellow Christians, who get creative and try to fit our belief into the word with an acrostic: God's Riches At Christ's Expense. It's true, but I don't think it really captures grace sufficiently. Believe it or not, there's a simpler way to put it. My pastor said it best:

"Mercy is when you spare someone what they deserve; grace is when you give someone what they don't deserve."

Get it? Grace is the extra in ordinary. Grace is when you put a little bit more umph into whatever you do. Grace is like Michael Jordan; he doesn't just dunk on you, but he has to stick his tongue out as he does it. Grace is a signature; there's no need for the curls and loops, but it's that little extra that sets the signature apart. Grace is that part on Luther Vandross's "A House is Not a Home" when the music stops, but he pauses before he adds the final words to close the song out.

Grace is a very soulful thing actually. See, there's completing a task, and then there's completing a task with your trademark on it. Putting a little piece of yourself into what you do beyond what's required. Unfortunately, grace is often frowned upon in our society. Like when you're happy and you feel like dancing down the street, but you choose not to because of what people might say. Or how some places won't hire you if you wear certain hairstyles; it's not professional to have personality.

But I think grace is to be embraced. After all, the Bible says we're made in God's image and He's a gracious God. So the grace that resides in us is a trace of His essence, isn't it? Maybe. Maybe that's why there are artists in the world huh? Maybe everything isn't meant to be so practical, methodical, mathematic. Logic has it's place, but grace is one of those things that defies logic. After all, where in the NBA rulebook does it say tongues are in any way relevant to the game? And yet, we love those pictures with him making that graceful face, lol.

B-J

Somehow I Ended Up With Lucy...

2006-04-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

Dag, 'less I'm crazy already, I feel like I saw a bunch of dope movies over the last few days... or did I?

Hm... I saw Sole Survivor a few minutes ago. I was diggin it like a live-action anime, but it kinda left me hanging. Looking for a sequel to that one, even tho I hate sequels.

I saw Die Hard (2?). Always like to watch a Bruce Willis flick. "Yippie-kayae-muhf...." (I couldn't resist. I'm ashamed of how cliche that was. My apologies.)

......OHHHH, CONAN O'BRIEN had me DYING the other night. Maybe that's what feels so much like a movie. Special guests Lucy Liu and some obnoxious cat that Conan can't stand... or pretends he can't stand ya know. But the best guest was this cat named... MICHAELJACKSON! (yeah, he said it big and fast just like that, and it was a TOTALLY different MJ from the one you know; that's what had me laughing at first). Turns out he's this old guy who tastes beers for a living... You see the recipe right?

Lemme tell ya, he was easily already drunk when he came out there, and it just got worse and worse. His hair was all over the place and he was holding these delicate glasses like they just wouldn't dare fall out of his hand. I mean, he was GONE... And Conan was jiving and the obnoxious guy was jiving and Lucy was laughing her heart out... and the obnoxious dude was all over Lucy Liu. But that leads me to an interesting topic: Lucy Liu... Hmmm....

Don't get me wrong, Lucy Liu is a very beautiful woman. But until the other night, I've had a hard time swallowing her. I think I've found the one thing about a woman that frightens me: I don't like when a woman hides her emotions. A lot of the roles that I've seen Lucy play have all hinged on that: the poker face. On Ally McBeal, she was the unbreakable woman who could seduce a man and sleep with him and feel nothing. On Kill Bill, she was the samurai, scarred by the murder of her parents, that could be businesslike one second and cut ur head off the next. I've always seen her as beautiful, but I was never attracted to her because the poker face turned me off. I feel like I need to know what's going on inside a woman so I know how to behave with her, ya know?

But you know what? When she was on the show the other night and she was just being natural, for the first time I was REALLY feeling her! Like, "Man, she's SO ATTRACTIVE when she smiles and laughs and plays and fights obnoxious people off of her!" So now, I'm feeling obnoxious: That kimono you wore in Kill Bill was very... lovely on you, Ms. Liu. Sincerely.

B-J

Ladies... Ugly Iz Never In Season

2006-04-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

Nah, I'm not tam'bout facial ugliness. Just gotta get something off my chest that's been in the back of my mind...

Ladies, I got a tip for ya: If you wanna look real insecure and unattractive, diss another female just because a brotha digs her. It happens ALL THE TIME, like it's not even funny anymore, it's clockwork. If we give another girl a compliment, (and it doesn't matter who it is, it could be a celeb or a regular girl), the first thing so many ladies do is downplay it. "I don't know why you guys make such a big deal about her... She's not all that pretty... She's not that talented... She's not womp-wa-womp-womp..."

Straight up, that's ugly to me; it says to me that you're insecure of yourself if you hafta downplay somebody else's shine like that. The classy thing to do would be to compliment her as well or inquire about the speaker's taste or just say nothing, not smash the bystander. I mean, I could even see disagreeing respectfully: "Hm... I'm not sure I see it the same... She's okay but..." or something like that.

I might catch a little flack for this, but I just had to get it off my chest cuz it really irks me. I don't care what time of year it is, ugly iz never in season. Have some class please; you lose points yourself if you try to belittle someone else.

The Great Qi Mystery: Sumo?

2006-04-06T04:28:00.000-07:00

So I began eating more bread and noodles and such; I actually went out to Golden Corral the other night and splurged on pasta, rice, and rolls (veggies and fruits too, lol). As I was munching and admiring the waitress though, something hit me: sumo.

If my theory is right and eating is such a big part of building qi, then sumo wrestlers must have a LOT to work with. Which actually made me think: with sumo wrestling being such a professional, well-known sport, shouldn't qi be an obvious attribute? I've only heard it partially mentioned in the sport, which leads me to believe that simply loading up on food won't lead me to what I'm looking for.

So what might have been a bogus lead in eating breadstuffs may have been just a clue revealing that I need a change of direction. Perhaps the mystery of qi lies somewhere between bread and body mass. Hopefully body mass has nothing to do with it, cuz I can't gain weight to save my life; I'm like a buck-thrity wet.

Sumo it is then. A sport that has much to do with eating should reveal SOMETHING for me to work with.

Until next time...

The Great Qi Mystery: Tangents to Evidence

2006-04-03T04:43:00.000-07:00

Ha... So I'm still on the trail to discover the truth about Qi. I came across a website, www.qi-journal.com if I'm not mistaken, and there was a lot of helpful tips and hints. I have yet to read the entire site, but the little I did read seemed very interesting.

I have already determined that in order to understand Qi, I will more than likely have to participate at least in part in some of the Qi-related activities I read about. One instructor had a list of exercises that supposedly build qi by building nei, or internal strength. He trains his students by having them visualize and slowly count backward from 300 in their minds. I tried it at work tonight; I was able to do it successfully, but I admit it was a bit stressful. Supposedly such an exercise strengthens one internally as push-ups, etc. strengthen one externally; I can believe this because my mind was exhausted once I completed the count. I'll keep you posted as I continue to repeat the exercise...

Now to my actual subject, lol. As I said in my last post, when you're attempting to understand something that none of the five senses can help with, it's good to leave no stone unturned. And so, I find myself digging in odd places to piece the puzzle together. The two unlikely candidates for clues are as follows: cartoons and the Bible??

Let's start with more Qi-theory. I came across a theory that stated qi-energy is produced inside of human beings as the result of combining energies taken from the food we eat and the air we breathe. Seems possible to me... Nothing too crazy about it. But it reminded me of this popular anime, Dragonball Z.

If you have kids, if you know kids, you should know something about this show. It's a testosterone fest of big blasts and martial arts. Well, as it's a Japanese anime, it's steeped in Eastern culture. And supposedly, the big bright lasers you see are actually "ki blasts". Of course it's GREATLY exaggerated... I know good and well that none of us are gonna be shooting big-arse lasers, even if I do figure out the ki mystery. However... there was something else on the show that caught my attention.

The strongest character on the show, Goku, supposedly has the greatest ki level. One of the run-on gags on the show is that his appetite is freakishly huge. But wait a minute... According to the theory, food is a big part of where we get the ingredients to make ki energy. CONNECTION...

I dug a little deeper... What does Goku eat specifically? Not surprisingly, a lot of rice and noodles, as you often see from Asian culture. Hm... Well, I know from basic health studies that breads and related foods are highest in carbohydrates and the best sources of energy. I know this is true also from experience: at my job, if I know it's going to be a hard night, I usually load up on noodles and other bread foods, and when the night is done, I have so much energy that it doesn't even seem that I worked for 8 hours. So for a culture where rice is a staple food, I could see the potential for a diet that, according to the theory, cultivates great qi energy.

Still, this is predominantly theory derived only in Eastern culture with slight support from Western science. I needed something else to validate the theory. I thought, "bread... bread..." I stepped out of logic for a minute and just meditated on the word "bread". Then it hit me: I live by the Word of God, so why not search for the word "bread" in the Bible? Immediately a few scriptures came to mind: "man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God" and "give us this day our daily bread".

I thought back to an important piece of advice someone once gave me: "a good author writes what he writes the way that he writes it for a reason." I thought to myself, "Why in these scriptures does God say 'bread' instead of say 'vegetables' or 'food'?" And don't get me wrong, I know very well that the word 'bread' could easily be a metonym/synecdoche for 'food'. But it could just as easily have deeper relevance than that; the Bible is a much better written book than people give it credit for being. I mean, if you know biblical stories, it could be an allusion to
the manna in the wilderness; basically, God saying, "Man doesn't live by miracles and blessings alone, but by the Word of God itself." Or something of that nature...

But oftentimes biblical passages have multi-level meanings, and in my attempt to make sense of this qi business, I began to wonder, "Maybe the word 'bread' is used because God is insinuating that 'bread' is a particularly potent food; so potent that it makes a perfect parallel to illustrate the power of the Word of God."

...Yup, seems plausible to me.

So now I have another reason to change to a bread-based diet; to keep me strong at work and to discover if I can foster some qi of my own to study, lol. Can you believe I went from qi to cartoons to the Bible and it all comes together at 'bread'? All this deduction still doesn't quite prove anything though. But I'm a person that gives more credit to hunches than most; especially when it comes to sensing the unsensible.

I'm going to go count backward from 500 now to exercise my mind a bit. If I don't find myself unconscious, I'll follow this post up soon.

Jesus Peace

The Great Qi Mystery: "Qi Excel"

2006-04-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

Girl, Interrupted... Pretty hot movie, I must say... I think I'm chyna go "Downtown" maself; maybe not.

Got on my detective hat (yeah right... I got my fro back now playah!). I think I wanna break something down to elementary if ya don't mind; I haven't solved a decent puzzle in a long time. There's this thing I got a hankering to understand; some say it's mystical but I've got a hunch that there's nothing mystical about it. I think it's just a dimension of the human body that our smart behinds haven't grown to understand yet. Let's start with a flashback. Peep:

If you'll recall, I wrote a blog a while back called Eastern Customs, or something like that. Nah, it was Eastern Character, that's it. It was about my affinity for the culture of the Far East. Well, there's an Eastern stowaway running loose in my mind, and 'Bod is on the trail in hopes of locking it down in the archives.

It's a little thing that they call Qi in China, Ki in Japan, Chi in America. It's an energy, something that has no taste, no form, no odor, no image, and no sound. ("Principle"... the word "principle" comes to me. Hold on to that...) A search for something the 5 senses can't fathom. And what's so tricky about it: since the five senses can't detect it, how will I be able to tell it from nothingness itself? Now that's the kinda challenge I like.

But it gets better. Qi, Ki, Chi... all different cultures. And there's more names for this energy. Along with the names, there is an equal number of claims as to what it is, what its nature is, what its origin is, etc. This is intriguing because I don't know what I'm dealing with. Some cultures say it's a mystical/religious thing. Others say it's a natural part of the universe that we simply don't recognize. A friend of mine drew an interesting conclusion that made me raise an eyebrow: "Qi has no form, sound, odor, image, or taste. It's unobservable, just like God. So it must be spiritual."

Good point, but I'm not convinced Bro. I'm gonna keep digging.

Here is a glimpse into the way that I do things. Here is this Qi enigma before me, seemingly impossible to understand. Where do I start?... From scratch. When you're chasing an invisible, possibly non-existent force that permeates the universe, you leave no stone unturned. I started by collecting data from all the Qi theories I could find, bogus or not. (thumbing through 'papers') Here's one that jumped out at me...

To paraphrase: a person's Qi is highest when they're engaged in an activity at which they excel.

Hm... As I looked at it and stepped back, I said to myself, "That doesn't match up with the rest of the theories. Prolly bogus." But just because it's bogus doesn't mean it's worthless. I looked a little harder and realized something: In order to uncover what Qi is, I need to distinguish between these theories. Why? Because there's always the possibility that the distorted theories of Qi actually point to SEVERAL DIFFERENT TYPES of invisible energies. Don't ever get so fixated on the missing diamond that you overlook the gems along the way, gumshoes.

This isn't the Qi I'm looking for, but it's something. Fast forward...

I've been thinking about this "Qi Excel" for a few months now. This is my first time writing anything down about it. Here's what I came up with in my pondering:

This "Qi Excel" could simply be a form of potential energy that is actually more of a principle than an energy. It is the potential of each individual to perform a certain task. For example, a tall person has more "Qi Excel" to perform a dunk on a basketball court than a short person. A person with long legs and a small torso has more "Qi Excel" to jump hurdles than a person with a large torso and small legs. Basically, "Qi Excel" is the summation of what a person is naturally endowed with toward performing a specific task. The task in question is the determinant of how great a subject's "Qi Excel" is.

Jeet Kune Do, the martial art started by Bruce Lee, is an example of an art that hinges on the principles of "Qi Excel" I think. For each student of the art, Jeet Kune Do takes a different form suited uniquely to that person. Kareem Abdul Jabbar studied under Lee. The two have totally different body types; thus, when they fight they fight differently. However, by recognizing their unique biological makeups and taking advantage of their respective properties--- Jabbar's reach and power and Lee's small size and quickness, each is able to be an efficient fighter.

Interesting huh? I'm sorry if I made ya head hurt; it's gonna get worse though. If it makes u feel better, it's all theory really. I'm just giving a name to some of my thoughts so I can put them aside for later reference and get back to the real search. Once I do some more isolating of theories, I can get a better image of my invisible enigma.

...And I still don't think it's mystical.

B-J

Runaway Slave Complex

2006-04-01T05:09:00.000-08:00

I should've written about this a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago. Runaway slave complex. Picture this:

You're an African slave in the Americas during the slavery era. You've been a slave you're whole life and the fear of punishment and the teaching of your inferiority is deeply entrenched in the fibers of your being. Then one day, all of a sudden, an act is passed in Congress: boom, you're a free man. "Oh happy day!" right?

Then comes the business of actually living out your freedom. You've never been free before; neither has anyone around you. You don't know what to do. But you're free now; you've got to do something. So you're left with two options: return to the "security" of servitude falling victim to your fear of the unknown, or venture into the wilderness of freedom in the balance between success and failure with neither guaranteed to you. Hm...

So why does Jigabod bring this up in 2006, centuries after the emancipation of his ancestors? You should know me by now--- I brought it up because it's relevant. I'm 22 years old and I'm in a stage of life where I feel like I can either lower my head and settle for what I'm given, or take charge and venture into an unknown world for a better chance at fulfilment. I want to show you something; I'm going to return to my slave illustration to keep the imagery vivid.

So you're a newly freed slave. It's an uncertain world. But you know that returning to massa, while it may give you security, will surely limit your growth as a human being; more than likely you'll never reach your full potential, and you'll spend your life hoping for better things for your children. On the other hand, venturing into the unknown forfeits all security and simultaneously offers limitless possibilities. And when you think about it, the White man (no offense to my White readers) conquered this unknown; what's to stop you from doing the same?

Your slave brothers and sisters are afraid; they'd rather return to servitude, and they encourage you to do the same because they fear for you. Is the fear of the unknown great enough to make you sacrifice your newly gained freedom? Hm...

Well... I don't know about anybody else; it's not enough for me. I don't like being herded into situations; I don't do functional fixedness. I don't think convenience is a sign of making the right choice; after all, most of the time in life they tell you shortcuts are no good right? So why all of a sudden is it any different regarding lifestyle choices? Just because a way is convenient and commonly accepted as the "thing to do", we assume it's right and expected of everyone. That's a bit much if you ask me.

So suppose I'm that runaway who ventures into the unknown... Suppose I fall flat on my face. Does that mean I made a bad choice in pursuing the unknown? Uh... I can't see that being the case at all. Picture this: the unknown is unknown, meaning you go in blind. The outcome can't be predicted, true enough. But imagine if the runaway goes into the unknown with the support of all his kindred... See how his chances of success all of a sudden become more plausible? But if his kindred offer nothing but fears and discouragement, the situation becomes more dire and difficult for him.

(to be continued...)

(...pardon the interruption. I told you about the brontophobia before, correct? If not, I will eventually...)

Don't answer out loud, but do you spend more time planning and pressing to succeed, or preparing in case of failure? I think I've been taught to do the latter. And don't get me wrong, it's wise to be prepared. But there must be a balance, and too much preparation impairs mobility. I think it was an episode of the Cosby Show or something I saw a few years ago where a kid was going to play football, and he/she was wearing football gear AND had pillows strapped to him/her for extra protection. Needless to say, you're not going to be a great player with so much protection on...

I may have said this before, but someone told me something that really made a lot of sense: a good lawyer doesn't tell you what you can't do; a good lawyer tells you what you need to do to get it done. Again, don't answer out loud, but do you spend more time helping people find ways to make things happen or giving them reasons to abort their goals?

Even for my fellow Christians out there, it's easy for us to say we trust God when we live safe, comfortable lives. But, I think, if you want to see someone who has a truly unique relationship with God, find someone who's life is a life of risk and exploration.

So now I sit here, a free-thinker, contemplating how I want to spend my life. The thought of retracing the path of a million others doesn't appetize me. I keep thinking about the proverb, "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got." Frankly, I don't like what we always get; I'm not impressed at all by it. I'm determined to try something different, and hopefully, even though it's foggy right now, I can muster enough support to help me master this unknown country.

Jesus Peace

Dimensions of Beauty

2006-03-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

GrrrrrrrrRAH. Pardon me. Long night, long time no see. My apologies, sincerely.

I was thinking about a discussion that my homeboy Swim and I had a while back. Sharp disagreement to be sure, but I'm still sticking to my guns on this one, lol. Here's the premise: the dimensions of beauty.

It was a weird argument, so I can only give you a glimpse of it. Then I'm just gonna give you my whole view and leave it at that before I get you and me lost in something TERRIBLE, lol. Come to think of it, I think me and Swim were arguing not because we actually had a difference of opinion, but because we never actually got on the same topic to begin with. My side of it: there are many dimensions of beauty. His side of it: you're either beautiful or you're not. See how they dont' actually match up? Yet they kinda knick each other too, and that's where the argument was.

Me being a 22 year old young man, it shouldn't surprise you that women are on my mind a lot. But 22 is a strange age because your horizon is especially wide: you're liable to be dating anywhere from a high school senior/grad to a college girl, to a 30 year old woman looking for a thrill. In all that, I often notice how the definition of beauty changes with different ages and different walks of life. ...

OH YEAH, I remember now. One big thing that Swim and I debated on was my belief in the "potential for beauty". Hold on to that...

Now, as a young man, the first type of beauty I recognize is that superficial, easy-breezy beautiful. I mean, not that I necessarily have anything against it, but it's that beauty that girls can turn on and turn off at will. Like not all women wake up with heavenly faces; it takes a bit of preparation, lol. (boy I'm in trouble) But don't get me wrong, if you doll yourself up and I come across you, you're gonna have my attention.

Now KEEPING my attention, that takes a different type of beauty. It's the most amazing phenomena: ugly personalities can truly take away from physical attractiveness. It's similar to how music can change the feel of a movie scene; outward beauty is subject to inward beauty. How much so? I dare say that a surplus of inward beauty can supplement a lack of outward beauty. HOWEVER... Yeah, you know what's up. Outward beauty has its place, I don't need to go any further...

Then there's another dimension of beauty that I've come across from dealing with older women. Unfortunately I haven't dated any of them, but let's b serious... I'm still making my way up in the world; any relationship would prolly just be a fling. A real fun fling. Anywasy, what I've discovered about older women is that they have a certain beauty that comes from having a narrative: they've lived, they've experienced. Mentally, they have much to share, and even the way they carry themselves is a result of experience. That experience adds another dimension to them that, in a good scenario, adds more beauty. As much as I'm not in a position to e'en DREAM of dating a woman with kids, for instance, to me there's a subtle beauty of motherhood that gets factored into a woman who has experienced it.

Which leads me back to our debate... 'Cuz on the experience tip, sometimes I see old women as very beautiful. Pardon me... (waiting for laughter to stop...) Okay, ya'll good?... (uproar...) Aight-aight, but at least hear me out Apollo. This is me: sometimes I see an old woman walk by. I look at her, like really analyze her face. Then I think to myself, "Ya know... she was probably a fox in her younger days..." Then I see her in a new light. Now my homie Swim, and I imagine many of you out there, say, "No... if she's beautiful you'll know right then. You had to think about it 'cuz she's not beautiful."

So there's the debate we had in a cracked nutshell. I'm somewhere between actually seeing beauty and recognizing the potential for beauty; he's an avid believe in beauty being an obvious thing: either you got it or you don't. I'm the type of cat that might see a smoker and say, "Man, she's actually pretty, but thoze cigs make her look so old." Swim's answer would be, "She's not pretty then dawg, it's your imagination, lol."

This has been on my mind the last few nights for some reason. Maybe because Spring has sprung and all that jazz. Yeah, Jigabod mighta come up short on V-Day, but it's that time of the season. So stay tuned and stay beautiful, lol.

For some reason this post didn't come out the way I had in mind... And yet it did. Life is crazy.

Jesus Peace

How Could I Be So Thankless...

2006-03-25T05:35:00.000-08:00

(sigh...) Once again I reluctantly return to the world of academia. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: if you know me then you know I hate school, and if you don't know I hate school then you don't know me. But I did some thinking last night at work...

I probably got every award there was to get in every subject in grade school at some point. It was hard. Too many long nights. Too many perfect scores. Too many tests and assignments. Too many "yes ma'ams" and... well I didn't have many male teachers. Too many trophies and certificates come honor's day; too many kids picking on you at the end of the day.

With everything it took for me to get those awards and all, I got a lot of compliments and words of encouragement (from adults, I'd like to point out). It was okay; regardless of where it comes from, a pat on the back is a pat on the back; privileges are privileges. But yo... when it got to the point that my name became synonymous with academia... I began to resent every award, every certificate, every acclamade I ever received. If you've been keeping up, you know that it had gotten to a point that I had no regard whatsoever for my accomplishments, and even more, I regretted getting them in the first place.

Well... I think I'm out of order for that. For several reasons. Even though you don't like something, you still hafta be honest and recognize the blessing when it comes to you.

1. It was a privilege for me to be blessed with intelligence. To be able to comprehend so many things with ease; so many other people I knew struggled
to grasp things that came so easily to me. I was given a sharp mind, and it was nothing but God's grace that allowed me to have it.

2. It was a privilege for my work to be recognized at all. From talking to youths, I recognize that there are so many intelligent people who's work is never put in the spotlight. They have nothing to keep them motivated at all, while I had "motivation" and chose to push it aside.

3. The honors were more than for me. I didn't get to where I am by myself. I wasn't up all those nights working alone. I remember my mother staying on my back to make sure I got long assignments done, and I remember her helping me with quizzes and reviews. The honors I got not only recognized my work, but they commemorated the investment my parents made in me. Same thing for my family; I remember extended family being there when mom and dad were at work or at meetings. So many other kids didn't have that kinda support system. Again, it was only by God's grace that I did.

So there it is: I've been very thankless. Regardless of how I feel, the fact is I've been blessed in academics, and I repent for my feelings of animosity toward past accomplishments...

It's hard once you make that first A+/100 score, because then perfection becomes the standard. And once you do well in something, it's hard to convince those around you that its not the only thing you can do. I'm thankful for my past achievements and for everything that went into making them possible. I'm also thankful for the chance to further my education.

...That's all I got, Lord.

Whoa... Hiatus

2006-03-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

JEEEEZE MAN! It's been a loooooong time since I've posted. A lot has transpired though, and there's more to come if I can muster up enough energy and gumption to break some eggs...

Meanwhile, I guess I'll fill ya in on a few key moments of the last few weeks. A few days ago I found myself down in the dumps again. Then, outta the blue, this 15 year old student of mine goes WAY beyond her years and snaps me out of it! She gave me several pointers that really helped me regain my focus. To paraphrase two of them:

1. Don't rely so much on what you think you know.
2. At times, God allows us to have great challenges so that we can have great victories.

JEEEEZE! I 'clare if she wasn't 15 I might hafta date this kid, lol.

Before that, I also got schooled by my homie Joe, who's one year younger than me. He's had a very experienced and well-lived life to be so young; he's even married already and LOVES HIS WIFE TO THE CORE OF HIS BEING. At work, the older heads mistake him for a 30 year old, lol.

In the last 2-3 days I've had the pleasure of hearing the work of a producer that works where I work. HE IS AMAZING; like, I'd put him against anybody in the industry with confidence! It looks like in the near future we're going to collaborate, as well as several other guys that work the night shift. I CAN'T WAIT...

Did I mention I talked to the lady who now teaches in my mother's room at the school? ...I think I did. If not, I'll catch you up later.

Anyway, I'm definitely looking at taking some action very soon. As to what, I'm not sure yet; I'm pretty sure somebody somewhere is gonna have a problem with whatever I choose to do, so I'm preparing myself to accept that. I've tried very hard my whole life to be obedient and respectful to anybody that was ever over me, but I think I'm at a point now where being too obedient will stunt my growth. I waste half of my energy halfway doing things that my heart isn't really in; I waste the other half halfway doing the things that I want to do.

I'm led to think that great courage is the difference between those who succeed at what they pursue and those that fail. The longer I play the posterboy game, the more my resolve diminishes. I can't see myself putting my goals off until I complete the tasks someone else has set before me and then picking them back up. It's kinda like when your parents say, "you can go play after you finish dinner," but when you've finished dinner it's turned dark outside; now you can't go out and play. Or when they make you run their errands for them before you can play, but once you're done with the errands your energy is sapped. What do u think?

MEANWHILE... I've been inducted into the Hall of Fame on a rap site that I post on. Good to know my writing skills are still with me after all this time.

Anywasy, I know this was a very incoherent post. Just letting you know I'm still here. I'm gonna do some deep breathing and relax for a while. If nothing else, I wanna record a song before the day's out.

Jesus Peace

Hmm...

2006-03-12T16:09:00.000-08:00

Audio Version:
Romancexpress - Hmm... (3/12/06)

Well... Ladies and gentlemen, it's been quite some time since I've written you, huh? Thing is, I've had a lot of thoughts, but I just haven't felt like writing. Now I kinda feel like writing... but I have no thoughts. I don't know why that sounds familiar, lol...

Well, first of all let me send a special shout out to a young lady who told me she has enjoyed my blog, as well as to my aunt who has read it recently. Thank you for your interests.

...I still haven't come up with anything, lol. Right now, I'm in my room listening to "Love Ballad" by LTD featuring Jeffrey Osborne. I feel like my own mind is far from me somehow. The last few days, I've been doing a lot of short "cyphers"; miniature rap verses passed around small groups of MCs. I'm satisfied to see that my writing ability has improved; still, it feels like "manna in the wilderness" until I get to my real destination.

The school that my mother taught for for over 2 decades has decided to fund a scholarship in her name, and they held a yard sale to raise money. I got a call inviting me to come out, so I did, and I'm REALLY glad I made the short trip. I met the woman who now occupies my mom's classroom; I had met her I think either at the hospital or funeral before, but I had totally forgotten who she was and what she looked like. WE TALKED FOR HOURS! I got so much off my chest, and I think she did the same as we discussed problems inside the school system.

I'm not gonna lie to you; sometimes I think I'm crazy. I've always wondered that even when I was little, because things that seem so obvious and worth note to me seem to carry no weight and cause no concern to others. But not this lady; she heard me out and took my thoughts and ideas to heart. Many of them she had been pondering herself.

She said she really wanted to see me succeed at accomplishing the goals I had in mind, even though they're still a little foggy. She even offered me some names and resources that could be of use. The gesture itself really did a lot for my spirit; I've been dying for that kind of support. To think... I said I'd never set foot on my high school campus again; now I'm considering going back sometime this week just to talk again. I've felt defeated for some time now, but for once I feel like I can get off my back and on my feet again. So now, though I'm still a little tired mentally, I'm pondering and formulating ideas. My pastor often says you have to use faith to see yourself in your place of blessing before you get there. So I'm doing my best to see my way and make my approach.

I'm not sure exactly who or what I'm gonna hafta fight to get there though. One thing I know is that Satan is a trip. I'm even wary of good intentions, because good intentions are relative to a person's priorities and values. I'm going to hafta be adamant enough to assert myself in the face of doubt and discouragement, but flexible enough to keep an open mind, admit mistakes, be hospitable. Like Damascus steel.

It's time for me make manifest these things that have been in my head for so long, and I think I should do this for better or worse. Why? Because I get the feeling that "worse" is a figment of my imagination. I can't imagine anything worse than my misery at feeling out of place for so long... except maybe the regret of never trusting what God put in me enough to profit from it.

Yes, things fall apart. So what... I could've been a miscarriage, that didn't stop my parents from bringing me here. And then they brought my sister here too. The potential for failure shouldn't negate the potential for success, but for some reason it does in the minds of most people. But I'm convinced there's two ways to fail: by falling short and by never trying in the first place. In some ways I envy wreckless people. They may fall short sometimes, or even often, but they KNOW. They KNOW the results of their risk while so many others spend their lives wondering what might have been.

lol... Turns out I had some thoughts after all huh?

Kinetics - The Theme Song

2006-03-05T16:23:00.000-08:00

lololol... I know, I promised an audio this time around. But it's not exactly my voice yet; I'll do it next time, promise.

This is actually a song from an instrumental album that my homeboy Swim and I are working on. It was a track that I did for the most part in one night and it shocked me when it was completed. I love it because it resonates with my feelings; like, if my life had a soundtrack this song would be it. In good times and bad times this song always seems to match my mood. And I figure, if this site is about all my inner thoughts and feelings, there should be music to accompany it because music is a HUGE part of me.

So, I give you the Romancexpress Theme Song: "Kinetics" by Greater Augusta Productions.

Greater Augusta Productions - "Kinetics"

And when you get the chance, feel free to peep our other songs at www.soundclick.com/greateraugustaproductions.

All LoveB-J

Presenting 'Bod... In Stereo

2006-02-28T08:59:00.000-08:00

Whattup Tomcats and Kitties. It's been a few days, I know, but you'll b happy when you peep the latest development...

Please believe that the writing won't stop on Romancexpress; I'll write til I hit 999 posts, and then you'll just hafta follow me to a new site, lol. But how would you like some sonic accompaniment in this piece? I'll be frank... I'm dying to talk to ya'll! And I can DO IT.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but from now on expect some audio sessions to accompany the written articles. They may be readings of new or old entries, or impromptu, candid sessions with no script or preparation. Matter of fact, if any ladies have any questions for me, I'd be glad to read your questions and answer them on audio. Brothas... if you got questions they better be on some brotherly sh!t, cuz I don't play that brokeback, no I don't.

Anywasy, I think I'm gonna call the audio sessions "Jigabod Speak". Look for the first session in my very next post!

And as always...
All LoveB-J

I Was Glad When It Rained Last Night...

2006-02-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know what got into me; I couldn't stop working. I worked every second I could from the time I got there to the time I left. Did my share and looked for more to do. I was in a daze, but my body was alert like never before. And as the night progressed, I got hot yo... sooooo hot.

I was in a flirtatious mood, yeah; one of my coworkers had on these capris that showed off her calves. 'Never fails to catch my attention. But nah; this felt like fever. But it wasn't a fever, I don't think. The heat... it felt good. It reminded me of the cool night before, when I slept wrapped tight under sheets and spreads. Some nights I just like to be insulated in unbearable heat, and there I was, at my job feeling like I was moving in a constant sauna.

When I finally got off, would you believe I still felt like I was lit? I mean, I was ready to go, but it was 6:00am and I wasn't in the least bit sleepy. But as I left the building, I heard a quiet pitter-patter outside...

I looked into the dark, early morning sky as tiny drops glanced againstmy face. Don't get me wrong, it was raining when I first came in. I just figured it would have stopped by then. The light droplets doused the heat and left me feeling just right. I looked up into the lights over the parking lot.

My wish was to be in Atlanta. As a teen, that was my thing; I loooooved Atlanta. But not the big city rush. Just the skyline, and the lights at night, and the bright attractions. At that moment, what I wanted was to go back to that foggy early morning when I was on a trip to Tennesse, passing thru Atlanta. Everyone else on the bus was asleep; I was awake and filled with wonder. The fog turned the city into something fantastic. You couldn't see anything at ground level, and only the tallest buildings were apparent. One building appeared as a single, pointed golden tower. I'll never forget that image.

I sat into my car, wishing that I was on a quiet I-285 during the dark hours of morning with a special someone in my passenger seat. I threw on my Nas - Street's Disciple CD. It was playing track 9, "For the Rest of my Life", a beautifully made track. I put it on repeat and let it carry me home. I rolled down my window and let the cool, damp night air blow over it briskly as I did 60 up the expressway.

I know this was a random, incoherent post, but I really was glad when it rained last night... That's just how I feel.

Soul Brotha, February 2006: Bruce Lee

2006-02-22T07:10:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I think I'm gonna make this a new routine. Soul Brotha of the month or somethin...

If you know what Soul is, this'll make sense to ya; if it's a Black thang to u, how elementary... I consider Bruce Lee to be a soul brotha. No, he's not Black; no he doesn't sing. But soul is self-expression, and when it comes to self expression, Bruce Lee is an elite.

"But he's just a martial artist..."

lol... Listen to yourself: "martial ARTIST". Fighting is an art form, another means of self-expression. Bruce Lee had a style that was very self-expressive; everything from his movements to his trademark "whaaaa..." I'll tell you what... lemme translate it in a way yah cats can understand: Bruce Lee's "whaaa..." is equivalent to James Brown's "Hey hey!" "Ow!" and "Hit me!" His shouts erupt from his inner parts when he fights. That's SOUL, brothas and sistas.

His "art", which he doesn't actually consider a "style", is Jeet Kune Do. The entire style is based on learning other styles, but then being willing to release them to create something better suited to yourself. Bruce Lee speaks against "crystalization"; i.e. practicing a style and becoming so engulfed in it that you lose yourself and only react the way you are taught to. That's SOUL, brothas and sistas.

I could explain further, but I think Bruce can exlain himself much better than I can. This is some good reading here peeps:

On Creating Your Personal Way of Fighting

I chose this passage as my premise, but read the whole page if you really wanna see the soul of this brotha.

Bruce Lee's Most Famous Quotes

That's my nomination, my second, my I, and my I's-have it...

Welcome to the traditionally-exclusively-Afro-American Soul Brotha Hall of Fame, Brotha Bruce Lee.

EnCouraged

2006-02-19T01:48:00.000-08:00

Between yesterday and right now, I got a looot of encouragement. I definitely needed it, but I love that most of it I didn't even see coming. I feel real strong right now, more alive than I've felt in a little while.

It started with a youth meeting at my church. It was scheduled for 12:00 but I wasn't sure if there was another meeting scheduled for 10:00, so I came out 2 hours early. I had to find a way to kill 2 hours, so I took a slow drive and ended up at my aunt's house. She's real cool, so we just talked about and hour and fifteen minutes. Saw a good bit of some Jackie Chan movie that had us laughing a good bit. They said something about the city of Rodderdam and she told me about a funny time when one of my great uncles was a boy and made a joke outta that word, lol...

Soon, I left because I wanted to get to the meeting on time. Decided to roll real slow through the familiar neighborhood. I imagined some of my friends still lived here, but I had no idea where. Still, I drove by a house where I knew one lived; lo and behold, he was standing outside! I stopped my car in the middle of the street, rolled down my window and holla'd out. He didn't know who I was at first, but soon we were talking just like old times. Dude is married now with a daughter, and he told me things were kinda rough for them right now. I had been waiting for an opportunity to invite him to my church, so I took full advantage. Hopefully I'll see him today, ya know? I'm just thankful no traffic rolled thru, long as I was in that street, lol..

Continued on my merry way; decided to take another shot at the drugstore... You know, where the "beautiful one" works. lol...I punked out. Went in the store, never made it to the back, grabbed some almonds, dapped this dude down I knew at the front, rolled out. Ya ever get the feeling something just wasn't in you and that any time it was in you, it was just you being more than what you really are? Anywasy, I drove down to the church pondering, "I think I'm gonna let EVERY SINGLE GIRL I EVER KNEW go and start over. I'm ti'ed of this." lol...

I got to the church and met one of my favorite students there when I walked in. We talked for a minute and she asked about my lil sis; I told her she was cool an all. Eventually the Rev. showed up and the meeting began. It was a fairly productive meeting, but it was after the meeting that really did it for me. I got to meet one of my student's parents. She and I talked for a long time about the importance of seeing what's out there, travelling the world; my student's parents are military so they've been around a lot. She told me about Germany and Paris, and I told her about my brief stay in Canada. Seeing the world is now something I'm considering more now than ever; but best BELIEVE I'm not going thru the military to do it, lol. Anyway, after that conversation, she kinda told me what it was like having to hold things down while her husband was in Kuwait. Sidenote: I hate the strain that the military puts on families. However, this was no doubt a strong woman; I saw why her daughter turned out the way she did as one of the most well-behaved students I've had.

Before it was all said and done, my student's mother began telling me that I stood out at the church with the way that I carried myself. She hadn't been at the church long, maybe two years or so, but she said it was one of the first things she noticed when she came (she reminded me I had my afro back then, lol). She said a lot of kids really took note of the things I did as well. She will never know how much, but I really needed that. I feel contorted and discouraged a lot, constantly alert that at any moment things could turn for the worse or better. It feels good to know that trying so hard all these years has meant something to somebody. For that, I know I can keep trying a little while longer.

When I got home from that, I pretty much slept all day... except I handed an MC a crushing KO defeat after he attempted to cheat on me, but that's another story, lol. I was sleeping because I had to go to work last night and I've also got to conduct Youth Sunday for two services and teach Sunday school as well. Eventually, I decided I couldn't handle it, so I called in to work; I couldn't afford to accidentally oversleep as I had last Sunday because that could halt two services and leave my students out in the cold. Funny... before I got up this morning I had a dream that appeared to be the ending to my drugstore visit that never happened. Never know if it's legit, but it didn't end well... I mean, not terribly, but let's just say she was occupied, eh?

Before I wrote this piece, I went in search of a few songs I heard on the radio; it seems a lot of classic gangsta rappers are showing signs of a new life. It's really got me hopeful; it's one thing for middle class people with ordinary everyday situations and traditional perspectives to speak positivity; it's quite another for people who have done dirt and lived rough and faced the jaws of death and had negative mentalities to show signs of light. Listening to these songs, it's really encouraging me to continue in my pursuit of making things better where I am; I'm already looking forward to maybe collaborating with these cats. I'm thankful for their courage and for the courage they're sharing in their music.

All LoveB-J

Playlist:
Mack 10 - The Testimony
Warren G, Ice Cube, B Real, Snoop Dogg - Get You Down Part II

The V-Day Series Compilation

2006-02-16T08:09:00.000-08:00

Of course I couldn't leave V-Day without making the collection official...

Valentine vs. Cupid

The History of Jigabod's Heart

Valentine's Anthem

Chivalry vs. Chauvanism

Let Romance Continue...

In Case She Happens By...

The Shy Guy

Romance from the Ashes

Hey, whaddaya know... Exactly 14 posts! And here I was thinking I was behind... How romantic, lol...

Quick note: For those of you who peep my "favorites" list, I erased several posts from the list because they are linked into this post. Peep "The History of Jigabod's Heart" if you're missing anything...

The V-Day Series: Romance from the Ashes

2006-02-15T02:36:00.000-08:00

It's not as bad as it sounds... It's beautiful if you ask me. Hello again. I know, I'm days behind. It's been quite an interesting few days coming up to Valentine's Day. I enjoyed the ride. I enjoyed the series. And now, let's close this thing out and get back to life, eh?

I've been pretty busy and pretty keyed up if you're wondering; remember a few posts ago? When I was saying what was on my heart to say to the young lady I ran into at the local drugstore? Well, in the final days approaching Valentine's Day, I made up in my mind that I wanted her to be my Valentine. You read about that too no doubt; it was my last post. It was a hard decision, but I finally convinced myself to follow through on it.

It took me days to figure out what I would say to her. In those days, I talked to an old (okay... two years, lol), eccentric (self-proclaimed bipolar schizophrenic) friend of mine and he said something significant: "F--k a Valentine's Day. I'm not gonna make a big deal and try to find a girl just for one day of the year." My apologies to the sensitive ears, lol. But hold on to that...

When he said that, I thought about my stances on Valentine's Day in preceding years: much the same. Last year this time of season, I was playing Andre 3000's "Happy Valentine's Day" as loudly as possible, repeating the final parts of the song. Listen to the song; toward the end he's not speaking nicely about V-Day, lol. In spite of it, I was still determined to make the connection.

For the record, sorry folks... I'm not gonna tell you what I planned to say, lol. But I will tell you I planned to say it with flowers. I was going to see her on Monday, give it a shot, and celebrate with her that evening as well as Valentine's Night. The Lord works in mysterious ways...

Monday, I went to the plaza. I had in mind to buy a single pink rose, symbolizing friendship but a little bit more than friendship. In the store, I decided also to grab a snack; I'm a healthy eater when I can afford it, so I went to the veggie section to grab some baby carrots and maybe a bag of salad. As I was looking up and down the shelves, I happened to glance to my right. There beside me a little further down was ANOTHER friend of mine who I hadn't seen since my mother's funeral. I saw her first and thought to myself, "It can't be..." But when our eyes met, it turned out to be true! We instantly walked up and embraced each other.

AFter that, we talked for what felt like 20 minutes. We both have our problems, and it was nice being able to share with an understanding person. By the end of it, she left me her number and invited me to kick it with her sometime.

Wow... Still, I was set on doing what I had fought myself so hard to do in the first place. I sought the pink rose, but ended up purchasing something else. The drug store was right down the walkway. I took a deep breath and drove toward the drive through; I had planned to surprise her in the window as she worked.

But before I got there, I noticed there was only an elderly woman working the window. It couldn't be...

I parked and went inside. Sure enough, she was off that Monday. I was outta luck.

I dropped my head and decided to make a few rounds. Went to visit my aunt and my cousin and then I headed for home. "I'm gonna call ______ when I get home and ask her what's up for tomorrow... I get the feeling this was no coincidence." Lo and behold, when I got home, my father was waiting for me in the driveway.

I love my father, even though we have our differences. We decided to go out to eat. However, I had planned to be asleep that whole afternoon before I went to work, from about 3-9. Hold on to that...

We ate, eventually he left, and I made the call. "Hey, whassup. THis is ______. I was calling to make sure this was the right number, lol. And I also neglected to give you mine today. My house_____ cell______. And actually, I was wondering... If you're not busy tomorrow, maybe we could kick it or something. Hit me back when you get this message...Peace." I went to work, anticipating for the entire time her response.

I was geeked all night, even though I was physically tired. I ended up stayign longer than anticipated, but I wasn't deterred by the time they finally let me go. I flew home and went straight to the answering machine; no response. "No biggie; I'll hit her up later today." It was about 7:15 and I was wasted. I didnt realize how wasted as I tried to play a video game to relax.

"Man... cleaning up will hafta wait. I'll get at it about 12." I remember lying down on the couch around 7:3o. I moved to my bedroom at about 7:45 and crashed. When I woke up it was still 7:45... but this time it was dark outside. "What the... NO!"

Yep. I slept away the entire day. Remember, I told you to hold on to my dad's visit? It caught up with me, huh. "The answering machine!" I dipped into the kitchen... she still didn't call me. I didn't think it was very pliable to try to arrange a Valentine's Day rendezvous at 7:45 pm the day of. I was shot.

So what then... And that's when my bipolar schizophrenic friend's words came back to me like a wind of salvation: "F--k a Valentine's Day..." Actually not that part: "I'm not gonna make a big deal and try to find a girl just for one day of the year."<-------That's the part.

And all of a sudden, I realized that I was really the winner. Take a look:

1) I found the courage to even approach the girl I wanted. If I did it once, I can do it again!...
2) I had a chance encounter with someone totally unexpected and unforeseen! Is THAT romance?! PLUS it could develop into something later...

So maybe I missed out on another year of the one-day-fling thing. But is that really missing anything significant? So here was my Valentine's day: a tragic flight of courage, chance-meetings, complications, good advice from strange sources, excitement, hope, anxiety, disappointment, and closure. It was romance like a phoenix from the ashes, ladies and gents. Something worth telling you about.

So, we've reached the end of the V-Day series. We fought alongside Valentine with the forces of love against Cupid and the forces of lust and ended in a stalemate called ROMANCE. I can't wait til next year...

"Now boarding... ROMANCEXPRESS is now leaving V-Day. Let Romance Continue..."

All LoveB-J

The V-Day Series: The Shy Guy

2006-02-11T03:44:00.000-08:00

Et-ahem... A lot of delays in the posting, I know. It's all intentional, especially regarding the last post, believe me. Remember, I'm trying to get my own Valentine's on as I handle all this, lol.

Ahem... The Shy Private Eye... Ya know, I don't know what it is; I've never known a cat who was considered a "nice guy" who wasn't shy. You see, I'm also one of those guys. Yes, I'm a lot less shy than I used to be. But as you can tell by my last post, the direct approach doesn't quite come naturally to me.

I was talking to my homeboy at work last night/this morning. He told me that back in high school he had a fear of rejection, and that was something I could definitely connect with. So how do we beat this shyness...

Well, as always, in order to defeat the enemy you must first understand it, lol. I'm no expert, but seeing as how I have the shyness disease, perhaps I can shed some light by divulging my own thoughts. The fear of rejection is a big part of my shyness, I admit. But it's not just the reaction of the person in question that I'm thinking about. This is my worst case scenario: a failed attempt at dating someone that you see on a regular basis creates an awkwardness that could cause great discomfort. Take the young lady I'm considering right now for instance. She works at a local drug store. Suppose things don't go down smoothly... From then on it would be quite awkward just casually going to the store right? Hm... actually, it sounds stupid when I read what I just wrote. But I'll write on.

Then there's the reaction of the person. I admit, there have been times when I got a bad reaction because I chose a bad time to express my feelings. But you can't fool me: some of these girls are outright MEAN, lol. Like, they get a kick out of the fact you admire them, and take advantage of the chance to smash on a brotha. ... I don't like the way this sounds either. It's kinda punkish. I'm not very proud of myself right now, lol.

My homie Cause of DEF (look him up from earlier posts) told me something one time that really made a difference in how I relate to women. He said that the key thing was having confidence in yourself. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes; one thing I know is that women like security, and how can a woman be secure with a man who is unsure of himself? Well... I'm not gonna front; at times I am unsure of myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I'm any less of a person than anyone else. It's just a bad habit. See, in school I was that kid: the brainiac. I really don't need to go any further with that, but it's hard to cultivate that kinda confidence when you grow up getting smashed on so much. Shoot... even my pops used to smash on me: "Small people have a hard time in life... The girls won't like you if you don't get bigger... You'd never make it as a football/basketball player..." (for the record, yeah, I'm 6'0 weighing in at a buck-thirty) And as for my looks... I don't really know how I look. I consider myself a posterchild of regular-regular, dig? Not to demean myself, but just because I have no idea what cats see when they see me. Nobody goes out of their way to compliment a brotha; nobody goes out of their way to make fun of me either. And this cat never pushed the issue for fear of getting his feelings hurt, lol.

So there I am. The shyness unravelled. BUT, I'm not satisfied with being shy; I'm determined to come out of my shell and enjoy what's out there. So how am I combatting the tendency toward shyness? With logic of course, lol...

The same homeboy that told me he was shy in school told me something else that reminded me of a post I made earlier: regardless of the rejection possibility, it's better to know for sure than to have lingering thoughts. The dreaded "what if" equation, in other words. Nobody likes being hurt, but is it worth never venturing into unknown territory? What kind of world would this be if everybody stuck only to what they were familiar with? We'd probably still be in the Dark Ages, huh? The risk is worth the reward I guess.

But should I come up short, should I get humiliated, should I fall flat on my face... There are two things I can take away from the experience. One, I can forget about the girl and erase her from my mind forever without regret. Two, I must realize that she is only one girl; not only are there others, but each one has her own preferences. It should be no embarrassment to myself if she rejects me; it just means I was meant for another with different tastes.

And then there's the rewards of success. I never think about this because I have the wrong attitude, but for once I'm thinking about it: I could end up obtaining the object of my desire. Whoa... That would be CRAZY. But then there's this bonus... Should I spark her interest, I would think that that would do WONDERS for my self esteem. To know that, if nothing else, there's that one girl in the whole world I admire who thinks I'm worth something would give me more confidence. Hopefully tho, if all goes well I won't need anymore confidence, cuz I'll be keeping the one I end up with, lol. Ironic...

So there it is; me being shy and me talking myself out of being shy. All hogwash. The only thing that matters is whether or not I follow thru on my reasoning. Valentine's Day is Tuesday. It's Saturday. I got... hm... practically a day to prepare, a day to execute, and a day to enjoy with...

B-J

The V-Day Series: In Case She Happens By...

2006-02-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

Hey... I didn't think to say this the other day
My concentration goes to pieces whenever... Well...
I just wanted to say, it was real good seeing you again
It's been a long time. I regret we never talked much in high school
But I've always admired you.
Do I need to say how beautiful you are? What for?...
There were plenty of beautiful girls back then.
But you... I liked you because you never let it go to your head
In short, you were cool. I mean SO cool
Being around you was... Refreshing
But that didn't change the fact that you were a diamond
It only made it more true
And I see years later, you're still every bit of that fine
Maybe we didn't kick it much back in high school, but I've changed a lot since then
I'd like to reintroduce myself, if you don't mind
And if you don't already have someone, I wanna be your Valentine

-Jigabod

The V-Day Series: The Seasons of Love

2006-02-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

You know, a day set aside to celebrate love isn't nearly enough. 365 days set aside to celebrate love wouldn't be enough. But in my mind, I like to see all of my days in the scope of love. So I thought I'd write a piece on "the season of love".

So which season is the season of love? lol... I don't believe love has a season. Love is never out of season. Love doesn't pivot on Valentine's Day after all...

Four seasons of love. I think each season of the year puts love in a different light. And I think that, like many other living things, a healthy love is a love that constantly grows and constantly changes, so this fits. So this is my view of love in the scope of the seasons:

Summer Love - Summer is possibly the most intense season of love; it's a time where a little heat is thrown in the mix. Warm nights encourage warm night activities; hot days bring a little more daring dress as we wear less and less. Needless to say, attraction is stronger because of this. I think people are happier in the summer, when school's out. It seems that the world is on vacation, and the vacation atmosphere creates time for love. Summer rains provide a great atmosphere for deep conversation and other such things.

Autumn Love - Fall... what a time to fall, eh? The outdoors are bright and changing. Windy days and rustling leaves. Perfect setting for intimate walks. Fall coolness comes with opportunities to offer loving gestures: a sharing of a warm jacket, playing in a pile of fallen leaves for instance. The season begins with a fiery glow and ends with a solemn change of hue. Perhaps an autumn love initiates with spark and progresses quickly into a serious relationship...

Winter Love - Bitter cold means a lot more indoor activity. I imagine that the cold becomes an antagonist that causes lovers to draw closer to fend off it's icy sting. Yet, the snow is so beautiful when it falls that we can't resist the urge to have snowball fights and play in the frost. And I like to imagine that the kisses of new snow falling on a person's face encourage them to kiss whoever is on their arm at the time.

Spring Love - Spring... maybe the most symbolic season of all. The season of new beginnings. The smells of spring: fragrant flowers. The sounds of spring: bird songs. The colors of spring: every color. What better time to begin relationships, renew wedding vows, start families...

But a lasting love sees all seasons, so I'm reluctant to say Spring is love's season. One must learn to enjoy all seasons of love for their unique elements.

...lol... I talk as if I've experienced the seasons of love for myself.

All LoveB-J

The V-Day Series: "Pimpin Game"?

2006-02-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

lol...I know, I know. I owe ya THREE posts this time. I'll have em up by the end of the night... TRUST ME!

"...Pimpin been dead"
-Khujo Goodie

Aight... Now this post is more of a rant, I'll admit. You remember earlier when I said I had a unique walk and people have been talking about it since I was little? You remember that? OKay, good... Lemme give you a rundown of the comments people often make about my walk...

"You pimp!" "Ay, Cool Breeze!" "Pop yo collar!" "Playa, playa!" When it comes to love, that's a problem. You know why? Because I constantly have to convince people that I am NOT a pimp, player, or anything of the sort.

I heard a report the other day that Spike Lee was ranting about the pimp culture in Black Society. Now, instead of "nigger", how about "pimp"? THAT's a word we need to be concerned about. Why? Because a pimp is a well-established character with a true and unarguable definition; and the definition is not admirable. In case you didn't know, pimps send ho's (slang for whores) out to "service"customers and bring money back to him. Now... here's my problem...

I'm a nice guy, I cater to women, and I'm more than courteous, despite the ways of my associates. So it's nothing for there to be a female with me and it's nothing for me to have plenty of female friends. You see the problem there? I remember once I was in the mall. I was chilling with a friend of mine and her friend, who I had a crush on; they were walking a little a head of me and to either side of me, I was in the back and toward the middle. Must not have looked right--- these old dudes passed us and one gave me a thumbs up while the other said, "Look at this young pimp!"

Everytime that happens--- did I mention it happens a lot--- I get embarrassed. On one hand, I don't appreciate the less-than-flattering comment. 'Cuz, in case u didn't know, I don't like pimps nor am I aspiring to be one; nor is the girl you see me with actually "with" me 100% of the time because I've been single since... hm.... 6th grade? On the other hand, it's nice to be recognized, though they got me twisted. But on my third hand, and this is the biggie, I'm thinking to myself, "How does that make the girl I'm with feel?" The connection is obvious... If I'm with a girl and someone calls me a "pimp", then as far as I'm concerned they simultaneously call her a ho, and that's not cool.

So picture this... I'm trying to approach girls in the most respectful manner I can, but I got this "pimp" aura all around me. For instance, I thought about (THOUGHT ABOUT, not planned on) approaching someone the other day, and my homie got wind of it. For the next few weeks, cat was boosting me up and making a scene, "Let's see this pimp in action! Spit that game, playa!" And the f#cked up thing about it, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. So I decided to squash the situation on the low because I couldn't come correct.

"Pimpin"... "Spittin game"... That's not me, and in the name of love I don't think it should be anybody. But it seems to be almost everybody. Truth be told, a lot of girls are looking for the closest thing to a pimp they can find without actually finding one. And I don't hafta tell u every MC/singer on the radio claims to be one. Actually, most of them can't even meet a lowly pimp's minimum requirements, so they change the characteristics of pimps to suit them. I'm just being honest.

So what does all this hafta do with Valentine's Day? Exactly... it has NOTHING to do with Valentine's Day, because it has nothing to do with love. So I BET' NOT hear NUN of YA'LL talkin bout "pimpin" and "spittin game" between now and then, and ESPECIALLY on that day. I DARE somebody to call me a pimp cuz he sees me with somebody on Valentine's Day. Your V-Day'll look like Bugsy Siegel's...

But as always,
All LoveB-J

The V-Day Series: A Little Secret...

2006-02-06T14:39:00.000-08:00

Ohhh yes. This is my favorite part. It's a liiiittle racy tho... maybe. Let's begin by throwing on the Xscape, shall we...

I think I start by admitting something about myself: I'm a bit of a flirt. It hasn't been that long since I shed some of my shyness, and I'm still kinda getting my feet wet in love kinetics, ya know? So I'm not the "ladykiller" type at all; but cats often mistake me for it. Why? Because, even though I'm subtle, I know what I'm doing. I'm a very perceptive cat, and I thrive on those subtleties that most people ignore.

What subtleties? Sounds like you're one of those people, lol. But it's all good; I'll share.

I like... when girls are reserved about the way they carry themselves. There's nothing hotter to me than one of those pretty, over-dressed, bookworms with her hair pinned up who's so engulfed in books that she has no social contact. Thing is...I've always had this thing for looking behind the glasses and seeing what she REALLY looks like; I've spotted more than a few diamonds before they came out of their shells, despite the doubts of my peers. And I've always had this urge to take a seat in front of her while she's reading, get that shy "I'm sorry???" look from her, and then ask, "Mind if I take those for a second? I wanna see what you look like..."

lol... See, that's the kinda subtlety I'm into. I'm the cat that gets thrilled by little things. 'You really wanna throw me? Reveal a little... But if you really wanna turn me off, reveal a lot. Short skirts = Turn off. Capris = Turn on. Mad makeup = Turn off. Natural tones = Turn on. Loud, shrill voice = Turn off. Cool, even tone = Turn on.

And I'm not tryna get myself in trouble here; I know touching is risky business. All I'm giving is a "for instance" aight? But this is me... Most dudes have certain choice "spots" they concentrate on from the time they meet a girl and they're dying to put their hands there from the time they meet. That's not me. If I have to make contact, it's a totally different kind. I get a kick out of those places nobody thinks about. I might pinch the back of her arm, play with her forearm, then kiss her palm. I'm attracted to shoulders like no other... necks too.

Activities... I mean, definitely go out. But you know what I like better than going out? The ride. I just love being behind the wheel and having a beautiful woman in the passenger seat. There's nothing but us and maybe some music. Good conversation.

And even before I actual date someone, the FLIRTING... oh my goodness. Most of my flirting, I'm not even actively doing anything. I friggin flirt from across the room. EYE CONTACT... There have been days when I might get a hair cut and hit the mall... I'm tam'bout, one girl made eye contact with me and we straight got stuck on each other like "is security gonna have to come break this up or what?!" BOTH of us almost tripped over whatever was in front of us, lol. And I'm not even gonna get into the time that that happened between a young lady and I as we were entering and exiting a school doorway; crazy eye contact, and we were IN THE DOORFRAME. I don't know how they make doors where ya'll are from, but I'm tam'bout there were 3 inches between us...

Subtlety... Instead of complimenting only on looks, I've complimented women on just having beautiful voices. I met one lady (she was married) who had a beautiful talking tone with this fly NY accent. So I complimented her on it. And as I reminisce on a particular friend of mine, the thing I loved most about her is she had this infectious laugh... plus she was usually what was funny, lol. Another friend of mine had this cute bounce-step she used to do outta the blue.

The most effective subtlety of all though... Time has tested and proven it... Perfume. Perfume will never go outta style. There have been nights I might've been somewhere, had a good time, a few young ladies there. I remember one night in a computer lab at my first college a ladyfriend had on a hint of something sweet; she came in and gently put her hand on my shoulder (right when I needed it too, cuz it was late and I was BLOW'D bout that assignment, lol). It was months later, somebody else had on that same scent, and I stopped whatever I was doing and flashed back to that previous occasion; I felt warm as HECK, cold as it was outside. If I coulda called my friend up, I DEFINITELY would have. Warning: notice I said a HINT of something sweet. DON'T BATHE IN PERFUME. IT GIVES CATS HONEST ABE HEADACHES, lol

So, to you females out there breaking your necks to make things happen, ease up a little, aight? There are some brothas out there who appreciate the subtleties, and I get the impression that most women like their men perceptive. Consider The V-Day Series doubled-up. More to come...

All LoveB-J

Playlist: Xscape - My Little Secret

The V-Day Series: Love Language

2006-02-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

Remember that double-up I promised ya? Well, its about time we deal with that. This post and the next are going to be related to each other, but varied in approach. What they both boil down to is relating to one another.

This post I call Love Language because we're going to talk about communication. ...I SAID COMMUNICATION! ...You're still here? Good.

Communication is key to any relationship of merit; even as high as our relationship with God, we communicate through prayer and reading God's Word. Yet, we struggle with communication. Matter of fact, most dudes I know get mad if a girl wants to talk, and most girls I know don't express themselves effectively.

So here it is ladies and gents: before this Valentine's Day jumps off, let's talk...

1. Be mindful of what you say. I'm a sensitive cat myself, so I pick up on things that people say that have the potential to be hurtful. Something you think is innocent could easily devastate the one you love. In the Bible, it talks about dwelling with someone "according to knowledge." It's really referring to marriage, but it goes for premarriage as well. You have to get into the mind of the person you're dating and know what makes them tick. Then adjust your words accordingly. Believe me yo, while people rant and rave about "game", common courtesy has been my best friend when relating to the opposite sex simply because so many brothas aren't conscious of the effect of what they say.

A second dimension of being mindful of your words is simply this: let good words flow from you. I used to admire girls from a distance and never express my feelings because I was too shy. I kid you not: it made me sick. I couldn't concentrate and every time I went to class I felt my heart about to burst out of my chest. I might be crazy, but I don't think it's natural for us to repress compliments. So even as a single man I let them flow, and if you're in a relationship with someone, you should DEFINITELY let them flow. It can only generate good feelings in return. Its worth the extra effort and makes quality time extra special.

Third dimension: we speak with more than our words. Our actions and body language speak as much as, if not more than, our mouths (and hands and fingers with various mediums). I'll come back to this later on

2. Be mindful of HOW YOU SAY IT. Think about it like this: we usually say a kiss is more intimate than a glance right? But that's relative... a peck on the cheek doesn't mean as much as a long, sensuous stare from across the room. What you do takes on a whole new meaning depending on how you do it. Only here we're talking about communication.

Tone - knowing the right intensity with which to say something. For instance, yelling is usually NOT a smart way to communicate your feelings. Talking fast causes problems as well. Don't laugh at something if your date/mate is serious. Maintain a soft tone if you want to be addressed in a soft tone.

Diction - knowing the right words to say. It doesn't matter what you say if you say it wrong; the receiver of your words will focus more on the impression you leave than on what you actually said. "That dress makes you look quite large" vs. "I prefer you in this other dress." One of these dudes got hurt when it was all said and done, the other had better diction. "I deserve some attention" vs. "I need some attention." Same request, but the first is a big arrogant; the second is more of a plea, which is much better.

Tact - knowing the right time to say something. Having an argument in public... baaaaad tact. Bring up a problem at the end of a long, hard day... baaaaad tact. Only displaying affection in front of people... baaaaad tact.

3. Be mindful of what you don't say. Alllright... coming full circle. This applies to men and women, but I know maaany more women that do this. If you need to say something, it's best to go ahead and say it; maybe not at the moment mind you (tactfulness please), but do eventually say it. Speaking in code, dropping hints, and just sitting on it are not good for relationships. Unsaid feelings don't go away, and they can turn into something terrible given the right amount of time. There's always a way to express yourself that is both honest and constructive; there's no need to sacrifice either for the other. If you have to postpone the conversation or write a letter, just get it out there. And be careful of this also: oftentimes what we don't express verbally, we express with our bodies and demeanor. Not to pry... but I notice some young ladies who don't walk like they're proud to be with the guys they're with. It's all over their faces, their walk, their absentee gazes. So peeps, if you got something on your chest, gon' let it off. CONSTRUCTIVELY...

Alright, you may see some addendums over time on this post, but I wanna get to the second while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm really looking forward to it. But for now, soak in the love language; it's not nearly as hard as we make it out to be. When you really love somebody, this'll all start to make sense to ya. You'll be talkin that talk in no time.

All LoveB-J

ALMOST FORGOT... Playlist: Talib Kweili feat. Les Nubians - Love Language

The V-Day Series: For the Grown and...

2006-02-05T01:58:00.000-08:00

...Let's just leave it at the grown, lol. This is gonna be a quick post with whatchu might call a "soundtrack to Valentine's Day". Listed below are the artists to look for if you reeeally wanna add atmosphere to your Valentine's Day rendezvous. But get it right: this is grown folks music. I'm not bumpin' that newbie pup music.

My kids (Sunday School, not MY kids, lol) and some of my homies always say "Old people did the same things we're doing right now; they're no better than us! And their music says the same things, so it's no better either!" lol... Maybe so. But do ya'll realize how many teens we got singing about grown folk's business compared to the way it used to be? Think about it: Al Green, meet Lloyd; Temptations, meet B2K; Marvin Gaye, meet Mario. And no, the Jackson 5 weren't singing about gettin' their freak on, lol. Come off it peeps, really... It's not the same thing.

TANGENT, lol. Here's my playlist for Valentine's Day. I'm giving you artists as well as my personal favs by the artists. Individual songs may vary, mind you; it depends on how classy or classless you wanna be about it, lol...

Al Green - Love and Happiness, Let's Stay Together
Marvin Gaye - I Want You, After the Dance
Case - Touch Me, Tease Me; I'm Missing You, Faded Pictures
Joe - The Things Your Man Won't Do, Love Scene, Faded Pictures
Keith Sweat - How Deep Is Your Love, Twisted, My Body... just get the greatest hits album, lol
The Emotions - Don't Ask My Neighbor
Ben E. King - Stand By Me
Sade - Kiss of Life... get the greatest hits, lol
Luther Vandross - Here and Now, Secret Love... get the greatest hits, lol
Toni Braxton - Another Sad Love Song, Breath Again, Just Be a Man About It
Mariah Carey - Can't Let Go, Don't Forget About Us, We Belong Together... get the greatest hits and the new album
Lisa Fischer - How Can I Ease the Pain
Billie Holiday - Night and Day
Silk - Freak Me, Lose Control
Boyz II Men - Four Seasons of Loneliness
Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love, Comforter
Gerald Levert - hm...
The O'Jays - Darling Darling Baby
Lennie Williams - 'CAuse I Love You
Kem - I Can't Stop Loving You; Back in My Life (high anticipations for this cat)
Raheem Devaughn - Guess Who Loves You More (highly anticipated as well)
Tony Bennet - it's Tony Bennet; you can't lose
R. Kelly - Go old school R. Kelly, you can't go wrong... well technically... just stay outta trouble, lol
The Isley Brothers - For the Love of You, greatest hits
Barry White - Greatest hits
Babyface - Two Occasions (the Deele), Whip Appeal, When Can I See You Again, greatest hits
Shirley Murdoc - As We Lay (controversy here, lol)
Peabo Bryson - Can You Stop the Rain
Anita Baker - Just Because, Body and Soul, go for the greats peeps
Earth Wind and Fire (shout to Doc Makin) - After the Love has Gone, greatest hits
Diana Ross - Missing You
D'Angelo - Lady, Brown Sugar
Tamia - You Put a Move on My Heart, I'm So Into You
Johnny Gill - My My My (confirmed... the brotha is not gay. I repeat, the brotha is not gay. hallelujah...)
Maxwell - Get to Know Ya, Ascension, Sumthin Sumthin
New Edition - Can You Stand the Rain, I"m Still in Love with You, ONE MORE DAY <-----very slept on track!
112 - Cupid, Only You, SOMEONE TO HOLD<-----never released, but trust me, it's a Feb. 14th necessity 4 sho!
Jill Scott - The Way
Aaliyah - At Your Best... (it's Aaliyah; Aaliyah knew something about love songs. if you lose with Aaliyah, you're just a loser, lol...)
LTD featuring Jeffrey Osborne - Love Ballad

More than likely, you'll see this list grow between now and V-Day. But don't worry, you got plenty of time to get out there and cop this stuff, lol. It'll be worth it after the sun sets... All LoveB-J

The V-Day Series: Love and Friendship

2006-02-04T01:13:00.000-08:00

Whoa... a day blew right by me. But I'll double-up to make up for it, don't worry, lol.

Love and friendship... You know, I actually learned more about love by being in an intimate one-year friendship than in chasing all the girls I've chased in my whole life. I'm not going to return to that place and time; I understand that I've missed out on something beautiful and there's no way to get it back. But I will share with you the benefits of my experience.

From that special friendship, I learned the true difference between love and lust. Even now I can honestly, and sadly, say that most of the girls I've chased after in my life I chased in a lustful spirit. How do I know it was lust and not love? Peep:

1. Love is preferring someone else over yourself. And it's not just doing nice things for them; it's being more mindful of them than you are of yourself. It's when a man goes to work not because he loves his job, but because he loves his wife. It's when a girl wears that dress not because she likes it, but because she knows her boyfriend likes it on her. It's when you willingly overexert yourself to be kind to another person; and when it's over you don't hold it against them or expect anything in return.

2. Lust is pursuing someone else for what you can get out of it. Maybe a girl is beautiful and a man just wants to have her on his arm to validate himself. Maybe he just wants to sleep with her to know what it feels like to sleep with a beautiful woman. Maybe a man is rich and and a lady wants all she can get from him. It's when you seek after someone else with selfish intentions; the other person's satisfaction either never comes into question or takes a far-second place to your own.

Now, I'll talk a little about my experience with my special friend. No details, but I will tell you this: I would have gone to the furthest of the extent of my power for her. I wasn't comfortable unless I knew she was comfortable. When we parted ways, I missed her to the pit of my soul, and all I could think of was, "Is she okay? who's looking after her?" It was so bad that I didn't mind if another person cared for her, as long as she was cared for. And in time, another person did care for her. Through it all, I learned the difference between love and lust; a hurtful lesson, but well worth it.

So ladies and gentlemen, when people say "it's best to start off as friends," it's not just being old-fashioned; there is something valuable to learn by being a true friend to someone you're considering. It's a lesson in the difference between love and lust. A true friendship will make love plain to you, and from there you can grow a strong and lasting relationship. If it comes too fast, it's probably (not always) lust; look at your intentions and determine if they're selfish or benevolent.

Incidently, talking about my personal experiences and sharing what I've learned from them makes me feel more at peace with them. For those who might stop through, I hope you'll consider what I'm saying and try them for yourselves.

Next blog pending, lol

All LoveB-J

The V-Day Series: Let Romance Continue...

2006-02-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

In the middle of 2005 I created a blogsite called Romancexpress - Romantic Expressions. Since then I've made post after post, touching romance from a variety of angles, for romance is more than images of love and lust; it's happiness, sadness, mystery, heroism, anger, passion, loftiness, and even contentment. However, this is the time of year when lovers really come alive. So now, let's dive into this thing called lovers' romance and make with the fireworks!

Romance is for fools; or so many have said. Well... I'm a fool then. A big fool. See, romance is something that's not always practical. What's practical about pinching the back of a young lady's arm playfully, or gracing her chin with your fingertips, or dancing with her in an empty school hallway... Not a thing, but see if that stops me, lol. When I think about life, I think about what life would be like without the romance: the oddities, the spontanaeity, the zest. If everything in life had to make sense... If everything in life could be broken down to a simple mathematical equation...

In a pracitcal world, beauty doesn't make sense; smiles are for nought. Some might say that in a practical world these things would bring about more suspicion than anything. But I don't live in that kinda world; or maybe I haven't accepted it yet. You remember I mentioned Don Quixote in a previous post. Don Quixote, a character from a book of the same title, lived in his own, romantic world in the midst of a world that didn't accept his wild, eccentric ways. He became an interference to the people around him. Yet... In their hearts, they wished to see his world come to pass. His lowly sidekick wished to truly become governor of some remote island; the inn harlots truly wished to have lifestyles as respected women. Don Quixote offered such dreams to all those around him, and maybe had they dreamed a little, the dreams would have come to pass. And if you ask me, I think it would have been worth it for them to know their heart's satisfaction, if only for a moment.

I know it feels like this is neither here nor there, but it's everywhere, lol. Just be patient...

When I say "Let Romance Continue...", I say it because I see so many who have given up on romance. There are men that say, "Romance is for soft cats; real men don't get into all that," so they never spark romance. Then there are women that say, "Romance? These brothas are just running game," and refuse to accept romance. But this give-and-take is vital to romance... What happens to romance when half the people don't give, and the other half won't take? It dies. Really, I don't have to tell you: being romantic and not receiving romantic expression in return makes you feel obsolete; I mean it really hurts. Love letters: nobody takes them seriously anymore. A simple compliment from a brotha to a sista, often met with rolling eyes, popping teeth, gaggled laughter. (I mean, there is such a think as a compliment without dating intentions... take it easy, pleasy...) Yet, somehow I know that all these people in some way want to live in a time where romance breathes. Am I crazy for believing that? You probably think Don was crazy too, huh...

It's the second day of February. I'm looking across the landscape and seeing a new Valentine's Day on twelve-times the far horizon. It's a blazing rose-red trimmed in gold. But without the romance, it will be just another day of repetitious, perfunctory candies, cards, and flowers. Working the night shift at Target I can already see, taste, smell, and touch the Valentine's Days of a 12 million people. It will be a day filled with unoriginal, repetitious, and perfunctory cards, candies, stuffed animals, and flowers. Is your love so bland? Is that the best you can do? Where's the romance? You got one day! Make it memorable! Don't make me have to the replenish the shelves in the aftermath of your last minute gift shopping!

Don't get me wrong... Traditional romantic sentiments are beautiful. The roses, the chocolates, the cards... they're all nice. But when you buy them, does it really express your feelings, or is it just the socially accepted way to celebrate Valentine's Day? Think about it: I mean, does your ladyfriend even LIKE chocolate? What's her favorite food? Why not take her out for some of that? What's your man's favorite song? Why not sing it to him? Take off work! Don't worry about it; cats like me can get the job done for ya for one day, lol.

This is all I ask... To anybody who reads this:
If you have romance, give it; if you're offered romance, receive it
This is how we keep the romance alive and breathing.

-All LoveB-J

The V-Day Series: Chivalry vs. Chauvanism

2006-02-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

So the first day of February has arrived and we're already ahead of the game. As Mr. Burns (from the Simpsons) would say, "Exxcellent..."

Now I'm going to demonstrate a very important piece of my philosophy of life: in order to fix things, there must be an order of operation. My personal belief (for which I've caught a lot of flack in the past, present, and probably for as long as cats fear responsibility) is that getting men to do the right thing first will cause many other things to fall into place. I had a long night at work, so if anybody disagrees that's fine... I'm friggin tired.

So this thing called chivalry and this thing called chauvanism... I've always been into chivalry ever since I was young and I never quite understood why; most fellas I know complain about it. I learned a thing or two my first year in college about what chivalry really was. Chivalry was started as a "substitute for the Bible" in Europe at a time when people of certain regions didn't always have access to the Bible or couldn't read it because they were illiterate or because it hadn't been translated into their own language. From there, chivalry kinda became its own entity. I learned these things while studying Don Quixote... we'll talk more about that later.

Chauvanism - "machismo" some call it. "An attitude of superiority toward the opposite sex," according to Webster. And yes, even in 2006 there are a lot of cats who maintain such an attitude; some knowingly, others unknowingly. Believe it or not, some people exhibit chauvanism in an honest attempt to be chivalrous. One must be careful, or your Valentine's Day could go up in smoke and keyed-up car doors. Let's break it down a little further...

I thought about making a checklist, but nah, I don't need to do that. It's like my pastor said of the Bible once: "The Bible is effective because it's a book of principles more than a book of rules." So here are a few simple principles to remember to keep you in the position of a knight and not a pig:

1. Chivalry places a woman on a pedestal. It doesn't assume she is incapable of anything; it simply preserves her from the wear and tear. The attitude is, "Yes, you are fully capable of doing X, but you shouldn't have to do X because I'm here."

2. Chauvanism places a woman beneath you; and not in the biblical sense of the "weaker vessel"*, but in the inferiority sense. It says, "You are incapable of doing X, so I will do it for you; not only that but you're only capable of doing Y, and that's your position."

Simple enough? So, with Valentine's Day coming up, brothers, there's your two-part outline that should keep you from making serious faux pas with your lady love. Matter of fact, take those with you, free of charge, for the rest of the year. If you master those two principles, the rules will come to you no problem.

Now, I had a talk with a younger friend of mine the other day. Cat told me dudes would jock him about being sensitive to females; it made him question himself, if you know what I mean. But in light of these two principles, let's look at what really happened. By being tenderhearted, the young cat was being chivalrous; by refusing to recognize women, his homeboys were being chauvanistic. You predict who's gonna have the best Valentine's Day... Way to man-up, homie!

*A note regarding the "weaker vessel" concept. Just to set the rec... (cancel that; friggin cliche) So we don't amass confusion in this piece, the "weaker vessel" concept is simply this: though woman is fully capable of doing what man does, her creative purpose is not to do what man does. Otherwise, why did God make man and woman? The job of a man is to fulfill his duties so that a woman can be a woman and not be outside of her element. To make it plain, ask any single mother if she's out of her element in being both mother and father to her children... So you see, the "weaker vessel" concept is not at all meant to be demeaning. As always, it's All LoveB-J

The V-Day Series: Valentine's Anthem

2006-01-31T15:00:00.000-08:00

Let me be at my best at Aaliyah's request
Love: never the destination, ever the quest
The still waters of love; the deepest frontier
Time suspended in joy as we remember our tears...
-Jigabod, "Valentine's Anthem"©

You know, St. Valentine's legend is a strange one... because there are three or four of them. St. Valentine's Day is even stranger; another pagan celebration with a Christian twist. I'm not gonna get into all that, you can find it on the Net with little or no effort. But I am gonna do this for St. Valentine...

While we don't know the true story of St. Valentine, one thing we do know is he was a saint; he was a Christian. So I feel it's only right to divulge the meaning of love as written in the Word. I think he'd appreciate that.

Love... well, the Bible says "God is love". Vague, cliche statement? Not as vague as we like to think; cliche only by superficial reasoning. Think about it... God in the person of Christ died for us; and He died for us not while we were saved, but while we were His enemies. Some of us might have enough love in us to die for our friends; how many of us would die willingly for our enemies? That's why God is love.

But that's not all. Did you know there's a "love chapter" in the Bible? Peep it, it's I Corinthians 13. You've probably heard it before: the whole "love is patient, love is kind, love is longsuffering" gig right? But shed some new light on it... It's not just saying that we should be this way if we claim love, but it's also saying that, since God is love, then God is that way toward us as well. Pretty profound huh?

And if you're into intimacy, there's the Song of Solomon, rated TV-14 (this isn't TV!) But lemme get off that, cuz I'm falling waaay off topic...

What does all this have to do with Valentine's Day? Well, ask yourself this... if it's all about this St. Valentine and Christian love, has the day lived up to it's title? If you think about it, it's more about this Cupid character than St. Valentine. So who is Cupid?...

...Easily one of the most misinterpreted characters in holiday history. no, he's not some cute (not cute to me), angelic, Roman, friendly-neighborhood-bowsman in the name of love. Emphasis on the "in the name of love" part. If you do a lil research, Cupid was really more about lust and sexuality than love. Wait a minute, lemme backtrack: that's assuming you know the difference between love and lust and the role of sexuali--- yo, you might wanna peep the earlier blog I wrote, "Love Conquers Lust, Right On". Basically, Valentine's Day started off as a pagan holiday about sexuality and fertility, and Cupid was one of the gods representing it.

So basically what we have is this pagan holiday continuing under this Christian title, and it's halfway about love and halfway about lust. But dadgommit... I'm sick of throwin out holidays mayn. And I kinda like this love thang. So I tried to wake up Mr. Valentine, but bruh was pretty dead. What to do... Well, since we believe in the same Jesus, I borrowed bruh's name a lil bit for this special occasion.

We've got fourteen days people. Let's make this Valentine's Day about love and not lust. And I think it would be best to start it with Valentine's Anthem.

The V-Day Series: The History of Jigabod's Heart

2006-01-29T03:20:00.000-08:00

Romancexpress has been on track for quite some time now... Well, no it hasn't. It's all relative, you see? Time has moved faster than the speed of attraction in my life, so I've posted a lifetime of things in a short period. In the frantic pace, I've touched on things pertaining to the heart on several occasions. I think it's appropriate as I start this campaign to give you the chance to revisit them. So... LINK UP!

Beautiful You (You Know Who You Are)

Love Conquers Lust, Right-On

Quest for Fire IV: The Need to Love...

What If...

Love and Duty - or - Love and Racisim

"'Cause What We Feel is Oh-So Real..."

Girl of My Dreams

And Now a Word From the Shortstop.html

Late Night Reflection: True Love Mythology

Mystery and Misery

Um... Oops... How'd this get here?...

Some of these issues will undoubtedly rear their heads again. Why? I dunno... Blame Stupid, lol... (I know I'm being vague, but be patient, I'll explain further as we go)

All LoveB-J

The V-Day Series: Valentine vs Cupid

2006-01-29T02:51:00.000-08:00

Aight ladies and gentlemen. Let's make this official: me and this Cupid cat got some SER'US beef. And it can't just sit here and marinate... This means WAR, Stupid!

I know Valentine's Day is supposed to be a time of sentiment and affection (gun cock), but this Valentine's Day will be a day of reckoning. In the days leading up to Valentine's Day I will be writing new works relating to love, lust, and everything in between, as well as bringing up some old posts relating to the topic.

"But why, Jigabod? What are you trying to accomplish?"

It's simple... I'm putting that winged fool out of a job this year! That's right, I'm clippin' the wings off of Stupid.

"But... Didn't Andre 3000 already do this? Are you kinda biting him?"

Maybe... Actually I admire that cat Andre. But there's something important you need to know: love is from above, not below; that's lust. And that's the difference between me and Dre. Any questions?

Good. So from now until V-Day, ladies you can call me Valentine, short for St. Valentine. Fellas... Don't try it... I'll merk you... Word is bond... Fresh nunchuks...

All LoveB-J

IKSO!!!

2006-01-26T23:53:00.000-08:00

"Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back."
-Paul Erdos

One of my students, Ikso, threw that quote at me today... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!? I'M GETTING THAT TATTOOED ON MY SKULL!!!! Do your thang homeboi; I 'preciate that, lol.

All LoveB-J

All a Nukka Could Ask For...

2006-01-26T03:20:00.000-08:00

Preface: Nukka (NUG-kuh) - 1995 slang. Dats all u need 2 know...

Aight man... Rough night at work. I mean, it's hard work every night, but tonight was special. Tonight I cleaned up somebody else's mess from the day before PLUS handled late business from the other side da store.

Meanwhile, I had a high school flashback. See, cats I work with ain't exactly saved; big deal, but no big deal, ya dig? Definitely gotta work with the brothas and sistas...

Anywasy, the ladies that work in the back with us are gone for the week so, as we killed time working on late items, the fellas did what fellas do: guy talk. Mmman... it's been a long time since I've been around unbridled, raunchy, raw, unadulterated conversation. Back in middle school, it was much the same; my mom used to say "those kids cussed like sailors!" We had plenty of that and more tonight.

On one hand, things have changed since middle school. I wasn't as comfortable around it as I used to be; I never made a big deal about it, nor did I participate back then, but now I was more repulsed by it. At the same time, some things haven't changed; just like back in middle school, the guys respected me enough not to bring me into it for instance. But also, just like middle school, I felt like the outsider. I mean, I'm always cool with everybody, but I never felt like "one of the guys" ya know? 'Cept for the cats I used to hoop with from my hood. I've always been that cat that walks up on the fellas when they're talking, and they tone down the convo just for me... Like I'm the principal or something.

And somewhere, I realize I still haven't found my "posse"; truth be told, I might never find it. On one hand there's cats I'm cool with that I'm separated from by practical differentiations; on the other hand there's cats I'm cool with that I'm separated from by spiritual standards. And I lean more toward the ones I have spiritual separation with, but that's a barrier I can't cross. Maybe one day I can convince em, and it'll b all good...

So what's up? Nun...chuks. Went out and bought some REAL ones today. They weren't the glass ones I planned on snagging; they're wooden ones, lightweight, good for using. Haven't knocked myself out yet. Shoulda brought em to work today tho; I woulda got the job done sooner and written this sooner as a result.

Big debate about capital punishment today at my church. Didn't really get indepth like I like to, but it was really oriented toward the kids; coulda got real technical and confusing if it wasn't for them. I asked one relevant and divisive question toward the end, but I regret my timing and I hope I didn't throw any of the youngsters off; it's a lot to process at that age. Fuggetaboutit...

I actually sat thru class today. My homie Nikki got herself a new tattoo... as if she had rooom for another, lol. I still remember how my cousin was intrigued by it when we went out to eat one night and she waited our table; they started trading tat-shots, lol. Nikki kept bringing up some stuff about Catherine, ruler of Russia, and a horse. Not going into specifics, but it's all good; Nikki's a hoot to be around.

Back to this work nonsense tho. I wonder would they dare to hang me out to dry like dat again? But like always, that quiet cat won't make a ruckus about it. All a nukka could ask for is for cats to do what the heck they s'posed to do so I don't have to do it for them, and for deez bigheads to gimme my check on payday. That's right: hegg yeah, I get paid for deez extra hours. Now sang the hook...

Playlist: Bobby Creekwater - "Tape Deck"

Fight Night

2006-01-24T23:14:00.000-08:00

I don't get to show this side of myself often; I like not being arrested. But after watching "Million Dollar Baby" tonight (and yes, I think I'm adding that to my movie list) I couldn't resist doing this...

I found a movie of a fight between a lion and a tiger... it's NOT STAGED. Like, it was a DEATH MATCH. So this is what I'm gonna do... I'm gonna put this here link up for you to watch the fight, and then I'm gonna give you my official technical and philosophical breakdown! Sound like fun? Warning: animal rights activists, I had nothing to do with the filming of this AWESUMMM fight. It was filmed before, and probably you, were even born. Which brings me to my first point:

Sometimes you gotta let it go, lol.

Lion vs. Tiger: The Frik-kin Main Event!!! Get Those KIDS OUTTA HERE!!!

Okay, you've seen the fight. Here comes the technical breakdown...

Now, in the opening of the fight the tiger was OWNING the lion. But part of this was because he opened the fight on the higher ground. He basically started the fight on the lion's friggin head. AFter that, the tiger demonstrated that he was the more agile animal, striking the lion repeatedly from a raised position and maintaining a strong offense, which kept the lion on the defensive. But it went further; the tiger eventually closed in on the lion and OVERPOWERED it by turning it on it's back. To finish the job, the tiger went in for the kill, locking it's jaws onto the lion's throat in classic finisher style.

So what went wrong? The lion had a secret weapon: the definitive trait of all male lions... his mane. His mane was the only thing that prevented the tiger from ending the fight right then and there. Because of the mane, the tiger could not effectively grip the lion around the throat. Not only this, but the mane absorbed several of the impacts of the tiger's paw flurries, reducing the damage potential of such wild and unfocused attacks. This was the turning point of the fight.

With the tiger facing an opponent who had survived his best attack, the tiger was obviously knocked off-guard. Notice how the tiger begins to retreat; he is surprised that the lion is still alive. Not only this, but he gave up his advantage of controlling the space of the cage. Notice how the lion moves into the center of the cage and begins to reduce the tiger's running room. Then cames the fatal mistake; in retreating, the tiger exposes his backside. Whereas tigers execute prey by going for the jugulars in their necks, lions execute their prey by breaking their backbones. Once the tiger's back is exposed, the lion never allows it to protect itself. Eventually, the lion sinks his teeth into the tiger's back and rips it's backbone apart; you can hear the crack if you listen.

Fatality - Lion Wins

Now for the philosophical breakdown. Notice the critical points of the match; in spite of all the activity in the opening of the fight, there were only four noteworthy parts. They were as follows: the opening pounce, the neck bite by the tiger, the tiger's retreat, and the back bite by the lion. There's a reason why the Bible says "A wise man speaks little." There's a reason why starters don't play in exhibition games. There's a reason why samurai carry blades with only one edge. The theme behind it all: excelling at the small things helps us make it to the finals, but execution in the critical things brings us victories.

All LoveB-J

Boondocks: The Return of the King II

2006-01-23T03:05:00.000-08:00

Yo, this isn't me to bring back up a dead subject, but for the sake of a conscious, relevant, and worthy debate that's been going on, I just wanted to make one last post, and I'm gonna leave it alone.

Simply this: peep the commentaries listed at this link (while the link's still hot):

The People's Response

Of course, the meaning of these comments can be debated. Personally I think they show that Aaron McGruder is much more of a fiery satirist with a message for the people than a politically incorrect comedian here to entertain.

Aight I'm done wit it... Off to Canada.

Jesus PeaceB-J

Home Theater

2006-01-21T23:56:00.000-08:00

Anybody that knows me knows I'm not big on movies; not that I hate em, I just hate most of the new ones, lol. I'm the type of person where everything I see has to have significance, and if there's no significance, there'd better be HUGE explosions.

Anyway, even though I don't have the cheese to do it right now, I kinda want to start a collection of DVDs for home use. I need the laughs, I need the suspense, I need the sadness, I need the beauty. So I'm taking note of some movies and series I've come across that I want to have for myself. Here's my list so far:

Blazing Saddles (obtained)
The Seven Samurai
Heaven and Earth
The Star Wars Trilogies
The Animated Star Wars Miniseries
Ray
The Fifth Element
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The Home Movies Series
The Robot Chicken Series
Buck and the Preacher
Glory
A Soldier's Story
The Matrix
Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
The Cowboy Bebop Series
Rush Hour
Rush Hour 2
The Simpsons Series
The Boondocks Series
Tombstone
Wrath of the Ninja
Predator
The Tenchi Muyo Series
The Tenchi Universe Series
The Gundam Wing Series
Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz
The G Gundam Series
Secondhand Lions
Spiderman 2

So you see, I've got a ways to go here. I need more comedy, and definitely more romance; I can't think of a single romance I've watched from start to finish and liked, lol. ...And on that note, for you anime heads, Wrath of the Ninja doesn't count; dude got merked at the end before anything really jumped off between him and tha chick. I need some stuff with some great visual attraction; maybe like "The Cell", but better. I think I can find some of these goodies for cheap. Others, like the series collections, will prolly hit me for a sizable amount. But I'm a very patient cat when I have to be; one way or another, they will be mine, MUWAHAHAHAHAHA....

Jesus PeaceB-J

Old Maid Romance... Bod Style Ginger Beer!

2006-01-17T17:45:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to winds like I never heard before; trees were bending outside. The power went out about 5-6 times; but Jigabod never set the clocks back, u know me, lol.

But by 3:00, I knew why the winds were so violent... The winds knew that, by 3:45, I would be in the lab blending a special brew of homemade Ginger Beer. Yeah, I was determined to get it just right this time. And what I was about to make would be nuttin but that hottest drink ever... literally.

I pulled out my ingredients... naaah, it wasn't that orderly. I pulled out the ginger and the blender, homie. 'Said to myself, "Now, last time I did this it was not hot enough. 'Think I used two ginger roots, so screw that this time: gimme FOUR!" I pulled out the remains of my last mix, which was two ginger roots, grated and pressed. Then I peeled two fresh ginger roots, grated them, and put both the new and the old ginger in the blender together. TWICE HOT!!! But I wasn't done...

"Now, last time I did this it was a little watery. The store-bought ginger beer uses corn syrup, but I have no idea how much. Let's go back to the lemon pulp to thickin it. But not two this time... GIMME THREE!..." I pulled three lemons from the very back of the fridge. To my surprise, some from the bunch had spoiled. "Man, they got old on me. Okay... gimme three good ones." Little did I know how lemons change over time...

I blended one blenderful of the ginger and water and strained the liquid into the pitcher. I did the same for a half-a-blender portion, and my eyes were burning from the heat of the ginger. I figured I'd use the final half-a-blender portion for only lemons and water. As I prepared and peeled the lemons, I licked one just out of sheer curiosity. HOOOOOO was it bitter!!! Bitter like an old maid! Usually I eat lemons straight, but not these ladies. They had grown SPITEFUL with age... PErfecT, muwahahahahaha... I tossed em right in...

3/4 Ginger Beer to the 4th root; 1/4 Lemonade Old Maid... But I wasn't stupid enough to taste it yet. I went ahead and threw in my 2 cups of that sugar for good measure. 'Poured a glass... "If it kills me, what a way to die..." Took a sip.

The maids hit me first, but after they dropped their bags they got sweet on me and we got along fine. But then, 3 seconds later, the collars came unbuttoned... It got HOT, ladies and gentlemen!!! Hotter than the store-bought, but without the bubbles. And when it was all done, it sat in my chest for the next 5 minutes. HEGG YEAH.

(cue Luchini beat...)
This is it, WHAT! Old Maid Romantic in my cup/
Take a sip, WHAT! Forego that optional vanilla/
Hot licks, WHAT! I need a heater, fill me up/
It's a hit, WHAT! This is it, WHAT!/

lol, All LoveB-J